And the one person that I need the most to help me through the hurt is the one that has caused most of it.

I've done alot of soul searching this past week, I really don't like the person that has been reveiled.

I always thought that I was a good parent..........I haven't been, I have some dysfunctional kids.

I always thought that I was a good wife...........I wasn't, my H looked else where.

I always thought that I was a good friend............I wasn't, I 'm dealing with all this on my own.

I always thought that I was a good daughter..........I wasn't, I can't even talk with my parents about the really important stuff.

I always thought that I was a good Christian.........I wasn't, I'm questioning why the Lord has put me through this.

I can't stop the crying, and hiccupping, I just want somebody to hug me and make it all better. I want to curl up in a ball and just cry but I feel that more and more crap is being piled up on me, I don't think I can do this, I feel so alone, so unloved and so unloveable. I would probably call a counselor if it wasn't for the weekend. I just can't continue on this path, it hurts to much. Let me re assure you this has nothing to do with sucide, never once in my life have I ever thought along those lines, it is such a waste. I just want to shut down, lock myself away somewhere and when my life is back to what I was expecting it to be at this time, let me out, cause at this point I am doing nothing to help. I am hindering myself and those around me that I love.

It hurts so bad................Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am so sorry that you are hurting tonight. I spent the afternoon curled in a ball crying. I feel better now. Please know that you ARE a good person and you are being way too hard on yourself. Write down three good things about yourself. Seriously. Did you remember to brush your teeth today? One thing already. I'm trying to be funny.
Treat yourself well tonight.
-CS

I feel your pain. I have felt much like you in the last few months. How could God allow this in my life? My dad was unfaithful to my mom, early in their marriage (she was pregnant with me at the time). But they survived, and recovered, and the wisdom they gained, and the strength of their relationship is now helping my WH and I through h's infidelity. Without my parents experience, they wouldn't be as much help. So their pain, not understood at the time, is now, 30 years later, serving it's purpose.
I know that if I have faith, and learn to trust God the way I should (never have- been through childhood sex abuse by neighbor, so trust is really hard for me) I can grow in christ, in ways that would not have been possible without this experience. I would much prefer growth by another means, but this is my lot in life. This is my reality. This is what I have to work with. I can let my H's choice and the circumstances it created, destroy me, or I can grow. This is a decision I need to make every day. I will not allow the OW and my H's bad judgement destroy me. Period.
I've recently buried myself in the scriptures, and in prayer. Constant prayer. Every time a negative thought comes to mind, I pray, and then if I still feel the weight on my heart, I sing a song, like the Spirit Song, or Bring Christ your broken heart, or any song about the grace and love of our God. It always lifts my spirits.
Again, I feel your pain. I hope this helps, and I hope you can find comfort in the arms of your heavenly Father. He loves you, He knows you're hurting, and He wants to comfort you.

I'm trying! It's just been one of those days after one of those weeks!! It just hurts so bad!!!

I am sorry that you have had one of those crying days too. I was always hate how my eyes are all puffy and they hurt, and my face is all pink and blotchy. UGH!!!

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am afraid we are in the dumps together tonight. I feel almost exactly the same way. I think it is tough for those of us who have supported our Hs the way we did. It is the ultimate form of betrayal.

My son had his baseball tournament today. It was so hard watching all of our friends--both Hs and wives supporting their kids. And then there was me. It is hard.

I don't know when it will get easier. Just know that I am thinking about ya.....[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Dawn]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]. You are a great lady. We will make it....Pat

trying,

We posted at the same time. I know that the Lord is there, and I pray constantly I have a green dot on my watch from pastor reminding me to.

I know that the Lord will take care of all of this, I know that in my heart and I Fuly Rely On God and have a bracelet with that and run my fingers over the indented letters, regularly through out the day. BUT..............sometimes it still gets so very overwelming and that is where I am at tongiht. I just hurt and I guess I n eed to allow myself to hurt, as most of the time I am oh so very strong.

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts, I do appreciate them!!

Dawn

Hi Dawn,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down! Hopefully you will feel a little stronger tomorrow. In the situations we all find ourselves in, we have to just take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. It is so hard dealing with the hands we have been dealt. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs Dawn....
BH

Thanks Pat,

I wrote STBX one time that I had seen a dad with his kids at the commissary and I went to the car and cryed, my kids don't have that day to day interaction with their dad. But then for the next 2 weeks the girls do have that interaction and I still cried as it wasn't family interaction that we use to have!!

Dawn

bokenhearted,

I thank you, for your words and thoughts, i do appreciate them. I am just feeling all used up, beat up whatever. It hurts and I will allow myself this tonight, my son just asked what I was crying about, he has not been real supportative thru this, his thought is it's dad's life leave him alone let him do what he wantts, so don't know if what I said got thru or not. For all the mean and crappy things this man has done, he lied to my face this week (Hadn't done it like that before)I still love him!! And don't want to see him hurt when this comes crashing down, but also know that he can't understand my pain til he has to endure it himself. Told my son that I hope that he has learned somethings from this and will not ever hurt anyone like this.

So I am giving into the hurt tonight and will pray for a better today tomorrow when I go to bed tonight.

Dawn

BTW how are you doing? How is the n ew house? I don't remember how far is it that you moved? Is it new job and schools too? Please post an update for all of Saturday night buddies.

Too bad you are not here Dawn..

It does get a little overwhelming at times--tonight is one of those times. A bottle of wine or a pitcher of margaritas would be great.

Come down and we will go to dinner and a movie or something. I am in desparate need of a fun break.

I have to drive to NM...and have been putting it off because it is so long with one driver. Too tough on my feet. But I would love to get in a new environment for a few days.

Gosh, in college, I just used to get in the car and go. What happened to our carefree selves? Somehow, we need to find them again...and have some fun. I am sick of feeling like my life is over. How about Omaha--the Furniture Mart????? Ohhhhhh...I must be getting old.....

Pat,

I am bad as I wont be getting to come all the way done to MO like I wanted.

I have a surgery scheduled for the 22 of the month, so have some pre-op appointments and such.

Wasn't comfortable with being any further away from daughters, just that much more to drive if STBX screws up the girls visit.

But yes a bottle of wine sound good, it is so nice out tonight and I have this awesome deck to set out on. So perhaps I'll get a bottle of Arbor mist, and no one has done anything to deserve any of mine!!!

Hey what if we all get a bottle of wine and meet back here in a hour and we can toast away!! I remember when I first came on here they use to have parties all of the time!!!

Dawn

Woah Dawn ~ time for a spankin!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've done alot of soul searching this past week, I really don't like the person that has been reveiled. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, I thought you were gonna tell us about your H...but no...you are beating yourself up.

Feeling powerful aren't you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought that I was a good parent..........I haven't been, I have some dysfunctional kids.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, so...your kids have 2 parents. But YOU screwed them up all by yourself?

Please. So your H has been the perfect parent and you did all of this stuff by yourself while he was being perfect for his 50% of the child-rearing?

Lighten up. Ok, I know this stuff is hurting your kids, and sure, you probably made a few mistakes, but who doesn't?

I've screwed up BIG time as a parent. I recognize and do my best to undo it, but geez, who raises functional kids? Do you know ANY healthy people that can tell you that they are healthy because of their parents? Or is it because they unlearned whatever their parents did to them? I do my best as a mom, and then I simply tell my kids, save up for therapy when you are 30!!!

So why do you get to be perfect? Get over yourself already!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought that I was a good wife...........I wasn't, my H looked else where.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aaaah...not only did you single handedly ruin your childrens lives beyond the point of no return (because you are SOOOOO AWFUL AND EVIL) but you MADE your H look elsewhere. YOU made him cheat, because we all know he isn't a grown man who makes his own choices about his life.

You ARE powerful! Wanna come by my house and straighten a few things out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought that I was a good friend............I wasn't, I 'm dealing with all this on my own.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course ... we all know that LOGICALLY this rings true. You MUST have been bad - otherwise everyone would be flocking to your side....

We are just going to ignore the fact that maybe, JUST MAYBE, your "friends" are the ones that are bad....or cowardly at the best. Most people run at the sign of agnozing pain and marital breakdown. Most people are incredibly uncomfortable around pain and infidelity and like to disappear as quickly as possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought that I was a good daughter..........I wasn't, I can't even talk with my parents about the really important stuff.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, you seem to be the only one with power and responsiblity in your relationships. Perhaps PART of your problem with your parents is THEIR fault, just maybe? And even if it isn't....its still doesnt make you a bad daughter. It simply makes you a humanbeing with fears. Maybe its time to address your fears?

I see alot of them here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought that I was a good Christian.........I wasn't, I'm questioning why the Lord has put me through this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't know about you, but MY God is a loving, merciful God who wants us to love Him back. And unfortunately, love has to be given freely. So God has given us free will.

So God hasn't put you through ANYTHING. You are suffering the consequences of your own choices, and those of other's free will.

The God I believe in will always be there to give me whatever I need to endure - if I have the humility to ask Him.

Dawn - Thought this might help - it did me. I'm in one of those needy moods too.....

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

And from this Sun.

Romans 8:35, 37-39

Brothers and Sister:

What will separate us from the love of Christ?
Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?
No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, (nor ex-husbands, nor our families, nor our friends, nor our own failings)nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I added the part in parenthesis.

I am still askign why - when I should be asking how, how does God want me to use what He has brought into my life.

I've been told that I am in the exact right place that GOd wants me to be, and if it's in the midst of suffering, then there is a reason. We do grow in suffering(I wish it wasn't so), but remembered that Jesus suffered way more than us, for us, so once again, give your suffering to God, tell Him that you need help to deal with it and if He's allowing it to happen, then He also better give you the strength to deal with it.

I also believe, that just like Jesus asked God to take this cup away from Him the night before He suffered and died - and we all know that God said no - that God would take away our painful situation if there was any other way for us to get where He wants us to be. God is love. God is good. What is happening to us is bad, but we have to trust God to get us through this Good Friday to our own Easter Sunday.

And that's the sermon for today.

I know how you feel. And since it's your party - cry if you want to, and know that we're here for you.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daybreak:
<strong>I always thought that I was a good parent..........I haven't been, I have some dysfunctional kids.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure you are a wonderful parent, this is a hard time for you and your children. I'm not for sure how "dysfunctional" they are, but I think all kids have got a little of that in them. Maybe they are hurting too, and they don't know how to react in this situation and express their feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I always thought that I was a good wife...........I wasn't, my H looked else where</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure that you were a good wife, we all did. Unfortunately, men and women speak different languages and cannot communicate their feelings to one another without knowing their love language. Your husband had his issues too, he just chose to to take the easy way out (at least thats what he thinks), he's taking the immature route. He'll realize that someday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I always thought that I was a good friend............I wasn't, I 'm dealing with all this on my own. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can truly understand you there. I have shut some of my friends out because they hate my husband for what he is doing, they do not support me in wanting reconciliation, they think it would be better "to get it over with" and move on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I always thought that I was a good daughter..........I wasn't, I can't even talk with my parents about the really important stuff</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I'm right there with you. Your parents hate to see you hurting and probably want to "fix it", I can't talk to my parents either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I always thought that I was a good Christian.........I wasn't, I'm questioning why the Lord has put me through this</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, God is not the one putting you through this, but he is the one that will hold you up, let him. Satan was the one that got in your husbands head, not God. And unfortunately, God gives us free will, and your husband chose to go against God's will for your marriage.

You are on the bottom of that emotional roller coaster, we are all here for you to give you a push up!

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Dawn,

Over the last 3 yrs, I have felt everything you are feeling; lots of times I still do.

I just finished watching the History channel, the Road Trip shows that have been showing all wk. Tonight was the family vacation & I sat there & cried that the boys will Never go another vacation with both their parents. It husts that my YS isn't having the childhood is brother had. Then I wonder what my OS would be like if his father hadn't gone wacky (OS's words). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hoping you feel better. Sometimes crying is the best medicine.

BR and GIIC,

I thank you both for the input. With hurt comes confusion and that is and where I was tonight. I just didn't think thru things well and started typing. I guess I need to journal!!

I was in a very low spot and have read and prayed to bring myself up and out of it.

I know that the Lord does not give us more then we can handle, and he does so with love. Instead of asking what God wants me to do next I was pitiful with asking why me?

I guess a lot of my feelings tonight came from looking around and inside and seeing failure, granted not all of my own, but at the time it felt like it, the hurt came from there. And again I know better!!

I guess in some ways I just wanted to have a pity party and invited my friends along, and I do know that I count all of you here at MB as friends, but none of you could go do anything with me tonight to take my mind off of things.

So what I am saying is can we canceal this party please?!!!!!!!!!!!

I do appreciate all of the love and support that I received tonight, I needed to be whacked up alongside the head, so thanks for that too!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Going and sing,

I was typing at the same time and it is not one of those things I do fast specially when you are thinking to and having to remember what finger goes where!!!

I thank you both for the love and support!

I knew with the friends that I have here, that they would drag me (as you have to be under someone to push and I hope that there was no one lower then me tonight)up and out of the whole that I chose to wallow in for a time!!

I know that I will be ok and have friends like all of you to help me through it!! From time to time you just have to admit that it hurts!!

Sing I am sorry that your YS wont have the same type of upbringing as his OB, I have those same thoughts for my 11 yo.

Again thanks to all, Dawn

Ok, i'll put the paddle away for now.

But really, rethink that whole belief:

God nevers gives you something you can't handle.

Bleah. I disagree with this totally.

I can think of all kinds of horrors that happen, and I can NOT believe in a God that would "give" those kinds of sufferings to those he professes to love. God is a merciful, loving God. God does NOT "give" us pain and suffering.

What God DOES do is give us strength, love, hope, and anything else we need to persevere through this "vale of tears".

God hasn't "given" this situation to you. Your husband has. But God is there to kiss the hurts and make them better. All you have to do is ask, and trust.

BR,

Thanks for putting the paddle away, and yes you are right God did not give this to me, but is there to help me with it, if I will let Him, I am working on that, one day I feel really good about giving it all up to God, and perhaps that is where I was coming up not being a good christian.

You mentioned fears earlier do you have the time to go further with that?

Tanks, Dawn

Oh Darn,

I just got back from taking the kids swimming--I am babysitting this weekend and have the use of their pool.

I came back with the margaritas---don't cancel the party!!!

These issues with faith, and forgiveness, and bitterness have been on my mind all week. I don't know if I have found the peace that passes all understanding yet--but I am praying to help get us all through this mess. I also feel that God is shedding tears for us too--there is no way he would have wanted this for us. I can only believe that he will help us get through it.

Dawn, you sound a little bit better. These downward emotions still get me down for awhile too--but there is always tomorrow--Take Care Pat