Hi Everyone:

It has been a while. H and I are doing much better but OW just will not give up. She emails, so we blocked her off the email. She sent a post card knowing I could read it telling my H how much she loved and missed him. Then she called my house today to say she had aborted the twins. I think she is a nut but H is flattered that this nut could hold on so long and love him. There is no talking sense to him about her but I am getting pretty pissed off. I told him I was disappointed that he spoke to her at all even though he told me about the call. He then felt it necessary to admit to me that he still had feelings for her and he did not know how to get rid of them and that if he did not they were getting in the way of our marriage.

I am sick to death of this crap. My love for my H is so fragile. It would not take much to push me all the way out of this thing. Some of you may remember me and know how much I have been through. I told him that I am getting the number changed. He said he did not think it would be necessary. But he admitted to telling her he still loves her and not saying "Goodbye". And no, I cannot get him to write a no contact letter to save my neck!

I do not know if he is in this marriage whole heartedly or one foot in and the other out. We have really been doing good and he is very affectionate with me and loving but then he does something stupid like this and just sets me off and back. I guess I am lucky this tramp lives in another country.lol Any advice? I vacilate from throwing him out to just saying, "As long as she does not come to my door." But then H says today,"If I asked her to move her she would try to do it." What is that all about? He is messing with our marriage!! The best thing that ever happened to him.lol Truth. Thank wu

wu,

Are you done with your plan A ? ... it seems like a long time ago. You might think of plan B ... to take control back and to set the boundry otherwise what little love left will be drained away w/ continues contact. NC letter is a must. About OW, you could monitor it and consult w/ lawyer about local R.O. ... you might have to told her not to call then prove that she calls, you could put R.O on her. However your problem is not OW so much ... it is your H. Learn from Orchid ... you have to be strong and get ready. Please don't let it hanging 'cause it will hinder your recovery.

Be strong ... set boundry ... use tough love and learn how to talk to the fog.

-RH-

For starters, you can not tell her it's over. Your WH must do that. You can't make him do it either. You can leave and he might CHOOSE to do it, but if you force him to, he'll only keep his feeling for her more hidden from you!

From here all I can do is tell you my story -
My situation of course is different, but might be helpful-

My WH had an EA (with some petting/kissing) with a co-worker. He broke it off when she made it clear that sex was the next step, and he wasn't willing to take that step. He didn't tell me right away (took a week and some prying questions from me to get it out of him), so the way he acted toward her the 2 days he worked with her after breaking it off is questionable. Once I found out, his action toward her did a 180 from his actions during the A. And as time went by, he got better and better at turning her off and away. He quit talking to her socially (still had to do some business conversations), quit flirting, quit "checking her out", quit laughing at her jokes, quit standing around with the group of folks she was hanging with, looked for ways to avoid being cornered by her, avoided all situations where it would be just the 2 of them.

Here was her pattern: Week one - got him alone twice and apologized to him, said she was sooo sorry, that she was just lonely, that it wouldn't happen again, boohoo, let me cry on your shoulder. The first time (right after d-day) he heard her out, said he was sorry too, and they agreed to be just friends. When he came home and told me that, I freaked. So after 2 days of him not talking to her, she tried the apology route again, he wouldn't even look at her. (her first taste of what was to come!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
Week 2-5 - She would bring up multiple random topics of conversations/ ask him questions directly/ say good morning to him/ etc. He continued to be cold to her and her attempts began to diminish.

Week 6-10 - somewhere in here she cornered him again, wanting to know if I knew about the EA. He said I might have figured some things out (I didn't want her to know how much I knew). OW ended up mad by the end of the conversation and said she thought someone must be telling him how to act since he was being so distant and cold. He replied that he didn't want to talk to her because he didn't want to take the chance of anything ever happening again to which she got huffy and said, "Oh, don't worry, it won't ever happen again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ."

Since that time, she's had very little to say to my H. She plays all of the men she works with, and it seems that she needed to be sure it was over with my H before she totally gave in to a EA/PA? with another co-worker. That EA/PA? seems to be in full swing now, and my H is more than happy to be out of her loop.

I said all of that to say this, even if your H is doing everything right, the OW is probably going to still try for a while. She will go through withdrawal from him, just like he'll go through withdrawal from her. And by your post I'd guess that there was a much deeper relationship in your case than in mine.

Maybe it is time for you to give him an ultimatum. But you must be ready for his decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Change to an unlisted number...it needed to be done yesterday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Peace, ~Marie

Dear wucus - I remember your story because I think you started posting about the same time I did - Feb 02?

As I recall, you have already been through Hell - wasn't he going to go to Sweden to be with her? Didn't he go and then come back? Didn't he end up in jail after you threw him out? Then you got back together, talked all night for days on end, then he said he still loved her? And you have kids (3?).

Does he have other issues - like alcohol? It seemed to me he was very unstable during that intense time - sleeping on his brother's floor - I think you should both try to get into marriage counselling and he should be getting individual counselling, because this back and forth business is a sign of his own issues.

As to the OW - some OW just don't give up - my stepmother didn't, and she got my dad in the end, even after her dad sent her to England for a year to get her away from my dad. For some, the distance is a part of the romance - trying to reach over that long long space between them just makes it all the more exciting, and makes them try harder. H doesn't seem to see how nuts she is - I wish you could hire a PI who would do some investigating on her in her home country - its a nice fantasy isn't it - for all your H knows, she's out with a new man every night - I mean, what does he REALLY know about this W? Well, if we were all rich, we could do stuff like that, couldn't we?

Orchid has a lot of good advice for dealing with crazy OW - she knows her stuff.

No contact letter would be good, but wouldn't necessarily stop her. H might still have "feelings" for her - this doesn't mean he still wants a R with her. His "feelings" for her are probably just a manifestation of his deeper fear of commitment - this is where you really need marriage counselling - because regardless of what the OW does, it is really HIM that makes the difference. Even if he still has "feelings" for her, its his DECISIONS about how he deals with her that matter. If he does nothing to encourage the R with her, it should die off over time, but could take awhile.

Hope this helps,
LIR

Sorry wu!

Sure didn't mean to make you feel stupid - and hey, what's wrong with wanting the peach, if you can stand the fuzz on the outside!

Uhhh - feeling kind of dumb here today - don't mean my posts to sound preachy, but I'm learning sometimes I do - gotta work on that one - plan A?

I sure do understand the insecurity of the OW hanging around waiting for things between you and H to get rough - and I, like you, don't want to "settle" for less than a truly honest, open and loving R with someone I can trust and respect. But if the other person has to do some work to get to that place, are we willing to wait for them to get their act together, because it does take time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, like everyone here keeps saying to me, its best to work on you and work on learning about yourself and trying to be the best person YOU can be, and in relation to your spouse, set boundaries, so that the limits are clear. Most people need to know where their boundaries and limits are. I seem to remember that you have been quite successful at setting out clear boundaries, and if he has been keeping within them, that's good.

So now the work starts on trying to meet each other's EN's in ways you both feel satisfied with. If you can find out, sometimes through trial and error, what it was she gave him that he was missing - if this is something you can give him even though you might not have thought that was too important, then his "need" and "feelings" (which are basically need) for the OW will die away. And no matter what OW does, it won't matter to either of you, cause you'll be happy together.

Sounds simple - hmmmm....

Thanks for saying hi - its nice to hear from you again.

LIR