Started the weekend going down hill. WW and I had a prety uncomfortable discussion. The conversation started with her asking if my friend (who knows about us) is going to our boys birthday party this weekend. I told her that I was not sure (this was the truth). He said he was going to, but I was not positive he would come. She asked if there were any reason he would'nt come, and I said "No". She complained about how I responded and I said "how is anyone sure that someone is coming," (kinda smarting off at her). She then asked if my my mom was coming, and I said "is there any reason she would not go."
She said she only asked the question to see how I responded. She complained more about my response and said that it must be just my personality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Why does she always make me feel like I am in competition? I felt belittled by her comment. It seems that I can do no right around her.

I had some suspiscion that she was talking to OM again. On Thursday she received a letter of apology from OMW (see other post). I suspected she may talk to OM about it. I asked her about this and she said she talked to OM. She asked him if he knew she was sending it, if he knew her intentions, and told him how this made her feel. I was very upset about this, but not too much visually. I expressed that it was not a good idea sharing her feelings with him, and she got very defensive and even said that she should not even have told me. We got interrupted and I brought the subject back up later that night. She told me that she did not think it was wrong to talk to OM about her feelings because she was inquiring about the letter.

I am so extremely hurt by this. Not only because she talked to OM (not just business stuff), but because she did not even respect my feelings about this. I even am thinking the A is not over, even more so now then ever. I am not sure what to do. I want to send her a quick email about how I am feeling.

To top this all off, she was very short with me all weekend. I tried my best to help her get ready for the party and tip toed around her, but I still caught her wrath. She gets so stressed out when we have parties. It was not long before I had enough of the snapping and short temperedness and told her that she needed to calm down and that her stressing out like this makes me not to want to have parties.

When the preperation for my son's birthday party was finally over, she was better, but it left me with a sour feeling. Despite all this, we both had a wonderful time at the party. My son had a blast.

I am not sure what to do. HELP!!

DL...did you ever have any indication other than your wifes word that the A was over? It seemed to me that she was having a fight with him...not that anything was over. She never gave any indication from what you wrote that her interests had changed in him or towards the marriage.

I think you're trying to see good signs where there aren't any yet. Remember...it's the expectations and strong hopes that hurt the worse every time (that's an unfortunate lesson I'm thinking we never learn 100%).

You're wife may not have been in contact with the OM...but she was VERY MUCH still involved in an affair. She may not have had contact, but she still wanted to. Any withdrawl she had was begrudgingly...and not because she had any intention of coming back to the marriage. She wants him, but she wants him free of his obligations. That will NEVER happen. The OMW and children (and JOB) will ALWAYS be a factor and always take priority over her. At some extrememly painful low point, she will realize this.

In the meantime...what are you going to do about you? Any plans for counseling yet? Any plans for possible medication yet? What is your plan..FOR YOU?

Update:

She called me this morning just to say HI. I found it very difficult to talk to her, and she noticed. She eventually said, "I got to go." I asked why, and she said because I was not talking. Realizing what I was doing, I made a better effort at conversation. We talked around 15 min or so about kids, work, nothing heavy.

I was happy to see that she just called for no reason.
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Hey Hope,

Thanks for the reminder.

She only has said the A is over, and she can not see the OM and her working. When we talked about her and her feelings two weeks or so ago, she said her feelings for OM had not subsided and she thought that it was the right thing to do to get a D.

The reasons why I think that she does want to work on the marriage are these:

1) She has agreed to see a MC (just have not yet really tried to find one)
2) Before cham, we had a big blow up about a post I put online and she responded. She said that she did not feel she needed to say that she was working on us because her actions spoke for themselves, but she did say: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I try to be positive and focus on pleasant things. I try to “ACT” like we are “OK” when deep down I am screaming and hurting. You just want me to bounce back and put all the pieces back together. I CAN NOT do this…I do not have the feelings in me, I do not have the energy. I just exist.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess this just shows how badly we need MC, does'nt it.

I am actually feeling very good. I am trying to focus on the pleasant things in life, and becoming more acceptant of my current crisis. My feelings for her are returning to before cham level and I am ready to try working on us again (resume Plan A). I admit, I was just existing there for a while, trying to regain strength and piece of mind. I am changing my perspective of life to gain joy. I am trying to see life from God perspective, and that helps quite a bit. Regardless of what WW is dishing out and doing, I still find love in my heart for her because of I see who I fell in love with when I look into her eyes and watch her go about her life.

I am going to plan a date this week together. A quiet dinner will be good. I need to work on my conversation with her and try to be more participative. I am going to try once again to find a MC.

I am still unsure about what to say about the contact issue and if the A is over or not. I guess I should write a quick email about it. What do you think?

I don't think the A is totally over yet DL...and in that respect I think speaking of it or asking about it will only inflame your W and her anger towards you. Trust me, if she "sees the light" you won't be getting anger and accusations, you'll hear REAL remourse (not just that she feels sorry for HERSELF) and see real desire to work on things. Right now, I think she's still waiting things out. I will say though...this OM WILL dissapoint her, because what she wants from him is NOT POSSIBLE. She's based things with him on a fantasy that does not exist.

I think marital or individual counseling would be FABULOUS at this point. But PLEASE keep in mind that the two of you are NO WHERE NEAR ready to start trying to enter the recovery phase. Anything a marital counselor does with you at this point, should be in focusing on trying to bring W out of the fog, and help you to cope with her anger and your pain. The WORST thing a marital counselor could do at this point would be to have you trying to refuel the fire of passoin. Our first one did that crap, and with all the OTHER feelings and things that needed to be dealt with...it was a HUGE flop.

From what I've read from your posts over the months, your wife is a typical WS and her current anger and judging of you is typical as well. The best thing you could do would be to not take it personally. That doesn't mean when she uses you as a punching bag that you have to take it, or that you need to like it....just don't let it devistate you. She's angry, and she's looking to use anyone as an excuse to let the anger out...instead of looking where the problem really lies...within herself. Believe me, if/when she does self confront...you'll know it, because she'll be extremely ashamed and sorry for all the things she's said and done, and the people she's hurt. Her anger and suspician at the OMW is really sad.

Anyway, I'm glad you are doing better. How far along in Passionate Marriage are you? I finally got it finished this weekend! The end really sums up and clarifys the rest of the book. It's really good and I think you'll get a lot out of it.

Hey hope,

Your perspective on this is shocking, but I think accurate. I wish I could say I hit the recovery milestone. I thought we were there when she was attempting no-contact. I will not email or mention to her the state of the A, unless she brings it up. I did ask her the other day about her contact with OM, and she told me all about her contact with OM this month: In a conference call, very short business emails, and the talk about one business deal and the OMW letter. Back to Plan A tactics.

Just thought of something scary... WW's main reason for not thinking OM and her would work was the OMW!!! They "broke it off" after the big fight with WW and OMW. Now that the OMW has apologized for that outburst and turned over a new leaf (in OM's words) her big reason for the break up is gone. Does this mean she will keep contact with OM. I guess all I can do is sit back and watch. It is a terrible movie about selfish gain, and I can't even turn the channel.