h4f,

You really seem to "get it", the pain your A caused you and your H. I have a few questions for you:

1. How did you come across MB?

2. Did your H find MB first or did you?

3. Did your H plan A or plan B you?

4. Did you feel you lost or were losing your H before taking a long look at your situation and deciding to do something about it?

5. Is there anything your H did that "woke" you up (I hate to use that term, but I hope you know what I mean)?

6. While you were going thru the D process, what was your relationship like with your H? Did you talk a lot? Was it civil? Did you ever see him or spend time with him?

I'm asking a lot of these questions because I'm contemplating plan B, but it's a concept I'm not sure I really endorse. I think for an ongoing A, it's appropriate. I believe my W's EA is over, at least as far as them having a future, although some contact might continue. I only say that because I think if it was still going strong, my W would be proceeding with D more aggressively. Also, OM would have to have the patience of Job to continue to wait this out at this pace. In my case, I'm more in favor of detaching with love and setting boundaries than completely no contact. It's difficult to do with a young child and a house that may need to be sold. It seems that in most of the stories of recovery I've read, it isn't until the WS begins to feel they are losing the BS that they decide to "step up to the plate" so to speak. Also, with no contact, the WS doesn't have the chance to see that the BS is "moving on". Any thoughts?

sad dad

1. Actually, I used to post on another board and they decided to split so that people active in an affair had a "safe" place to post. I think that's incredibly enabling and I made sure the people who intended on doing it knew so. They really didn't care....they created the "community" so they could do whatever they wanted. Well...in my opinion it wasn't a community without the posters...so I left. There was a group of us from that board who still wanted to help others...we just didn't want to be there anymore. I think it was actually Pepperband who brought us here.

2. H didn't start reading here until after I'd been posting for a while. Now he reads some posts...but I dont' think he's ever purused the site itself.

3. No, he didn't do either.

4. Actually it was after we had decided that we were not going to work and that Dv was inevitable that I finally started "getting it". I was in counseling and I was always reading books and posting to find answers. I think it was the "letting go" of the situation that helped me to let the resentments go enough to think about trying again. I didn't really want the Dv but I was still stuck on the idea that we would never work...so I proceeded with it grudgingly. If H had given any indication that he wanted to work on things (and had shown ANY signs of effort towards working with me) I would have agreed...but since he didn't make a move, neither did I. It was when I found out he was dating that I finally lost it enough to make the move forward again.

5. No, my hubby never really did anything. He was a good father and a did his best to remain friendly with me...that helped.

6. Actually, once the Dv was in progress we finally started weaning away from talking and hanging out. Before that no-one could even tell we weren't still together. We still went places and did things. If H had done a Plan A and then a Plan B...I think I would have noticed more. But because he pretty much gave up and did nothing but mope and try to get through each day until I left...and he remained in my life filling whatever EN's he filled...I never really had that SHOCK of having him there and then not. Once we did stop having much contact...I did begin to notice the things he brough to my life.

I don't think the idea of Plan B is to get someone out of an affair...I think it's to remove all the EN meeting that you do for them that they don't even realize...so that they can see what you really bring to their life before it's too late. Weaning your way out of someone's life is an easy way to fool yourself in to thinking "see, that doesn't hurt so much". I think going to Plan B would be a loving way to let her have a big dose of reality. Instead of weaning your way into divorce...you let her know you still care and that's why it hurts too much to remain a partial part of her life. Personally, I think Plan B would be a GOOD IDEA in your situation...but that's just my opinion.

One other thing....I don't think in order to be Plan B you can't see each other AT ALL. You're right, with a child there will be times together. I think the point IS to detach and show that you have "gotten a life". But do it with as little contact as possible. In other words...don't become "friends". That's what we did...and all it did was really drag everything out in the long run. If hubby had dropped out of my life completely, with the exception of dropping off and picking up our son...I would have had more of a shock of reality. It took the panic of the impending divorce and then finding out he had someone there ready to pick up the pieces (he had thanksgiving with her and her family) to really freak me out. I realized at that point that there was no way I could remain his FRIEND when there might be someone else in the picture. That helped me to more clearly see what my future held...instead of the warm fuzzy fantasy I had in my mind.

h4f,

Thanks for the background. I think your right, weaning my way out of her life won't have the "shock" value, not that I'm trying to shock her. I'm am still meeting many of her needs by allowing her to turn to me when she has a problem or needs a favor, and I hate the way it makes me feel (used). Because of our daughter, we have to be "friendly" with each other, but we don't have to friends. As I have said before, she can either have me in her life as her H (in every way) or just as the father of her child. There is no in between. I will have to discuss this with Steve H. soon.

sad dad

h4f,

A few more questions:

1. Were you still involved with OM when you seperated/filed for D?

2. Was it PA?

3. How long was A over before you reconciled?

4. Did A die out on it's own or did you/OM make a conscious decision to end it?

I'm still having an internal tug-of-war whether to go to plan B or not. Steve advised me to wait it out, but after 21 months of plan A with not one indication on her part she wants this marriage, I'm not sure I have anything left in the tank. I'm concerned my resentment and frustration will sabotage my plan A efforts. Sometimes I think I'd be better off going to plan B, letting her go and getting on with my life as if she's gone forever. Right now we're living like we're divorced, except with alot more contact than I'm comfortable with. You're right, she may need the reality of having me completely out of her life if anything is to change.

The only thing that keeps me going at this point is the pace at which she's proceeding with all of this. We reached a custody agreement over two months ago, but I'm the one that had to contact the mediator to get things on paper (I did that to protect myself so I could move out). She hasn't mentioned selling the house since I left and has taken no steps with the D as far as I know. There's no reason for her not to at this point, unless deep down she's having reservations. There's no way for me to know that. Sorry for rambling, but I'm struggling a bit lately.

sad dad

<small>[ August 08, 2002, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>