I haven't posted in a while and have relatives here, so I can't post much now. I want to update everyone who has helped me through this craziness, but I can't do it right now. I just want to put a question out there for your discussion...do you think that having an A is ever a "good" thing for a M? The reason I ask is this - now that I have sworn off OM and am working on rebuilding my M, feelings for my H are returning like they never have before. We went to his HS reunion this weekend, stayed in a hotel with no kids, and I feel such a renewed love for him it is incredible. I still haven't told him and am only now experiencing the guilt and panic and all the other horrible feelings that go along with what I did. But aside from that, I realize that I cherish him and my family so much that I can't believe I ever put our life together in jeopardy. The OM is scum and I was fooled into believing he loved me. Does this make sense and has anyone else ever experienced it? If so, maybe it will give some BS hope?

I was just going to respond with NO, but decided that isn't what you really want to hear. In truth, the first thing one should do when feeling the M is on the rocks is get Cing. The LAST thing anybody should do is have an A. But that's behind you (hopefully completely). I think your H deserves to know the truth about what's happened. If he's like most people, he'll want to save the M. If he's like ME, he'll appreciate the honesty. It's painful to learn of your S's A, but it's a LOT better than being kept in the dark. If you ever have problems again, he'll be unable to help you out unless he knows what happened this time, and you might just have another A.

Good luck to you and your H

As a BS, I can only say that in cases such as mine, where at least I was totally blind and complacent about our M, the A DID serve as a wake-up call to the Marriage, and gives us a chance to improve it. But the A itself has added SO MUCH negative to the M, that its potential positive effect is probably more than overshadowed by the negative.

I guess it's like some cancer treatments; they make you so very sick and so very weak, and give you so many other side-effects, that one must ask if they are worth it. In many cases, I'm sure they are not.

On the other hand, if the A had not happened and been discovered, more than likely the M would have continued deteriorating to the point where it would have ended, and we perhaps never would have had a chance to even know it was going down the tubes, and would probably be wondering why.

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

NT,

The answer is many people here have posted that after an affair and the rebuilding process there marriage was in many ways far better than it was before the affair. I don't think the affair is a good thing, any more than almost losing your spouse to an illness or accident is. BUT, it can crystalize ones thoughts about their spouse and how much they do mean to them. There is the saying that you never appreciate someone as much as when you lose them. Well, in an affair you almost lose them and for a time you do lose them.

I answered this question to 1stepatatime. My comments that "what it takes" to rebuild a marriage better than it was before is NOT the affair. It is what you do after the affair. How honest you are with yourself and your spouse. How you learn from your or spouses mistakes (not just having the affair, but the mistakes we all make during a course of a marriage). If you do learn from this tragic event, there is no doubt that the marriage can be made better. For one thing communications often improves.

So it is sort of a qualified yes. The affair didn't help the marriage, and some parts of the marriage will NEVER be as they should or were again. But, if important lessons are learned, then yes good can be made of just about anything.

Does this help? Hope so.

God Bless,

JL

Ditto Space Case and JL.

One addition.... some people, BS's, can't get past the A. They try very hard. They fake it for awhile Plan A and B. They then realize that the trust doesn't come back. As JL said the M never really gets back to where it was in the beginning or where it could have been if there had been Cing. I'm worried that I'm stuck in that spot. I hope that with more time the trust comes back.

I am on the one who was betrayed and i found out a very short while after it ended about the whole thing. I did know that he had feelings for this person but he strongly denied anything having happened. When i found out i made a decision that day that i wanted to make it work (something i never thought i would do. I realized at that very moment how in love i am with him and on some levels our marriage has become stronger than ever, but on some other levels there are some weak points, i.e my trust, my security, my obsessing about the details. Our marriage has become amazing in some aspects-I have learned a lot from this and even take some responsibility for him having developed feelings for her (I do not take responsibility for any more than that).

Do I think you should tell him-yes! It will seem a lot more sincere if you come clean because you need to than getting found out, and then spilling. this puts you in the drivers seat, when i found out, my husband was relieved but he had no time to explain...I was all over him. You do know that you run the risk of losing him but you do any way, right?
Hope that helps.

I think the answer is NO but I do believe that some good things can come as a result. I try to look for the positive, I have become a better person, I am closer to my children than ever before and now our marriage is starting to become something special again. But I still believe that these things could of been accomplished without the A, although the A was a wake up call for me, I dontt believe that is was a good thing or can EVER be a good think, the pain that it causes the BS and children is beyond imagination.
Dave

Sometimes good can come from bad, but that does mean that the bad is GOOD, just that IN SPITE OF the bad, some good resulted. But I wonder if your spouse would view all this in the same way if he knew the truth about his own life?

In my case, I can only hope my W's affair was a "good thing" for our marriage. At this point, only some time will tell. Probably a year, at least. At least it was a wake-up call, but on the other hand, considering my wife's history of A's, I wonder if I'll ever truly trust her.

neverthought..I think I know what you are trying to say..the very things everyone else here has said...that while good may come out of it,the affair was not a good thing to do.

I wish that I could say ONE positive thing about my H's affair..Yeah, OK a wake up call...but we have been there before and come out stronger..just not as far down,as when he found his OW. Maybe he wouldn't have known how much he loved me..but I knew.

Sorry,neverthought, maybe I'm still not far enough away but It was NOT a good thing.My H had EVERYTHING and threw it away for nothing...Our marriage is good again...Better than before? maybe in some ways but it will never shine the way it did...It's OK,I love the guy..things are good but it was not worth the agony...for either of us.

VERY glad I am now privy to everything my H feels and thinks...and I am glad he confessed his affair...NOTHING was worse than KNOWING something was wrong and being told it wasn't. Once he opened up completely, our marriage took a turn for the better

In my mind, this boils down to the question: Does the end justify the means? You may have had a good outcome (improved marriage), but the selected means (an affair) cannot be morally justified. An affair undermines a marriage.

Here is a more in depth web page about the topic: Does the End Ever Justify the Means? (It doesn't mention marriage.)

Depends on who you ask. I can't envision that a single BS would ever say to the WS, "Thank you, sweetheart, you opened my eyes to the state of our marriage. I am glad you had an affair, it was just what our marriage needed."

On the other hand I can envision the WS feeling that the end justified the means. That may sound a bit jaded, but I do not intend it so.

Some good may come of it, perhaps even some great things. However, I would not wish an affair on the devil himself. The pain is far too great. The loss far too real.

Everyone suggests that you tell your hubby about the affair if you haven't. I have debated this with many on the site. I do see the pros of telling. But I see the pain much too clearly. The damage the truth can cause. If the affair is over and what you say about awakening to the love you hold for your H is true, I say you had better be ready to lose him if you tell. Cause that just may happen.

Would I want to know the truth? Yes, I would. Do I have the right to know? Yes, I do. But, does the truth really set you free? Maybe. Maybe not.

No, an affair will never, can never be a good thing for a marriage. But that is JMVHO.

jd

<small>[ August 08, 2002, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

neverthought,

Read Private Lies by Frank Pittman page 37 Myth#2: Affairs are good for M ....

-RH-

My wife started to work on our marriage when her affair started - knew she didn't want a divorce, and used the energy she drew from their relationship to work on ours. At least, that is how she views it, and there is some truth to that. Three years later (affair still ongoing), our sex life had improved, she was meeting more of my emotional needs (though neither of us even knew what EN's were), and she was paying more attention to me.

Was it good for our marriage?

During those three years, despite the visisble improvements in our marriage, my wishes she would die in a plane crash every time she traveled increased, my desire for other women increased, my desire to remain married to her was vanishing. And I did not know why I was feeling the way I did. I thought I was a little sick, frankly.

The day she told me about the affair, which ended it, our marriage started to get better. Then we found MB, read SAA and got counseling, which helped us focus on things that really accellerated the improvements. In our case, the affair did not help the marriage. Ending it did. Ending it without telling me about it would not have been as effective, because the honesty was a critical part of the recovery. You really cannot recover without it, IMO.

Besides, the affair was like an anesthetic for her - it covered up the pain of things she was missing in the marriage. Until it ended, the affair hid from her those things she needed to know to fix our marriage. She litterally could not tell me what was wrong with our marriage that she had been vulnerable to an affair. It was only after reading SAA and looking at the results of the ENQ that things started to make sense to us.

If your spouse does not know about it, they do not know you, but only knows a part of you. How can you have a great marriage with someone you don't know? You can't.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Neverthought,

So everyone who has responded to you wants to know: are you going the honesty route and tell your H or are you going to choose the other way?

Is an affair good for a marriage? What happens when you stop making payments on a car? Is a contract to pay for a car any less than the marriage contract. What good comes out of not making car payments.

Yes, good can come out of an affair. Good can come out of any bad situation or bad decision. However, maybe MC would have been a much better way to "fix" a marriage, if that is what you mean by good. Was your M that bad before the A, that it needed an affair to fix it?

For me, I certainly was awaken from my stuper D-day (hence the name dreamland). I certainly have changed for the better and realized the errors of my ways and learned far more about R's, A's, and love then I care to know about and need to know about in order to have a successful R or M. If we can pull through this one, WW and I will be a smashing hit.

Hello Neverthought,

I believe you already know the answer to your own question. How do you feel about the affair? Do you feel positive when you think of it?

We still are wanting things to work out for you, we still hurt for you, still care about you.

Here is a thread that may help with what I believe you know you have to do.

Stilltegether's advice on how to tell spouse

Please tell us how you are feeling, you don't have to be in this alone.

SS

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

The marriage is better, but I am less thrilled with it. I used to be really happy and in love, now I am bitter and still in love. I try not to show that side to my H because I really do love him and for that reason want this to work, but I will never love him the way I did before. I loved him with all my heart and trusted him with it. I never thought he would do this to us. The marriage is better because I will never let happiness let me relax, but that is the point, I have lost something here, but he has not. He still knows I am true to him.

cwmac - Thanks for asking. The truth is that, at this point, I do not feel comfortable telling my H about the A. The A is completely over now, the feelings are gone, and I don't want to worry him unnecesarily when I go to work every day. (Since I still work with OM.) You and others might see this as a cop-out...I see it as the most caring way to handle it right now.

Also, the other night H and I were talking about us and our life together. He brought up a friend of ours who are going through a D for many reasons...one of which is infidelity. He said, "You know, if you had an A it would devstate me and this family." Did I feel like a low-life...YES! But it also made me want to protect him and him family from this stupid choice I made. I don't think that I should ruin his life/our life by divulging the truth. Maybe one day I will, but right now I am working on making my M the center of my life and spending quality time with my kids.

I hope that you all who responded and supported me so far can understand my reasoning and won't tell me that I am making a bad choice. It is the only one I am comfortable with at this point...