Last May I had a hunch that something was going on with my wife of five months and her ex-lover.

I started paying close attention to want was going on. I found cell phone calls and other indications that something was up. I tried to talk to her at the time and she informed me that we were through, that she wanted to leave me and be with the ex. After a lot of discussion and used tissues I thought that we made progress and that she would not leave.

About a week later (May 21st) I was working swing shift. I had tried to call repeatedly from about 6:30 to 9:30 and got the machine so she was obviously not home. When I got home her car was there and I felt the engine and it was still very warm. When I went inside she greeted me in her robe freshly showered. At that moment I knew that she had been with him. I guess that I had a look of shock on my face because she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't think of anything at the moment and I sat on the sofa. She sat down with me and I asked her where she had been. The lies started to pile up fast. She told me that she had gone out earlier but she came home about 7. I asked her why she hadn't answered the phone and she told me that she fell asleep and didn't hear it. (The ringer on the stupid thing would wake the dead) I asked her if she had seen him and she denied it.

The lies continued to pile up for the next two weeks. Then I found a note that he had given her in a baggie with a pair of earrings. The note said "you left these here when we made wonderful love last night". My heart sank into my feet. Before I had only suspected that it had happened. The evidence was pretty strong but I had no real proof. Now I did.

I finally talked to her best friend about it and she talked to her. The next day she came clean on all of it. She admitted to everything that I had suspected and I asked her about a couple of other details that I suspected and she admitted those too.

A few days later I found this website and run the printer cart out printing things for her to read. We did the emotional needs survey and we spent 5 hours on a Sunday morning discussing it. It took another week or so before I conviced her that she had to cease all contact with him. She finally sent him a letter (that I read) about 6 weeks ago.

He had told right before she sent it that his father had been seriously ill and she had been close to him (father) while they were together previously so she sent him a card too.

I thought that everything was on the mend and I was beginning to heal from this experience. I had even stopped chalking her tires and checking the phones everyday to see who had called and been called.

Then this morning I came home from work and it had been raining and as I pulled in the driveway it looked like it was wet under her car. I felt the engine but it was cool so I didn't think much more about it. When I came in the house she was in the shower.

While this is not unusual in the morning I raised a flag when coupled with the wet driveway. So I immediately checked the phones. Then I found it. She had called him.

After she got out of the shower I asked her if she had anything to tell me and she hesitated and then said yes, she had called him to find out how his father was doing. I asked if there was anything else said and she said not really. I asked if she had seen him and she said no.

I want to trust her but I have been thrown right back into the emotional turmoil that I had before I got her to admit the affair. How do I deal with this? What can I say to her? I don't want to spy on her but I feel that I need to again. Do I need to be worried?

There is one more thing, she thinks that she is prenant and she is going to the doctor today to get a test. If she is pregnant how can I be happy with that knowing that there is a chance that it is not my child?

Any remarks, opinions, insight, observations etc. would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this.

Scott

goldduster,

I read your other post and this post. Frankly, given that your marriage is soo young, and that you and W are not children, I would say leave her. This may shock you given that you have signed on to marriagebuilders. I have been here a long time and I am very pro-marriage, but you have never really been married to this woman.

I guess a reasonable question to ask her is why she married you given that she obviously still prefers ex. Life is too short to deal with this given that if my calculations are right, you have been married a total of 8 months, and she has already had an affair and may be pregnant by your or OM. Frankly from what you described on the other post I doubt she is pregnant, but who knows, I sure don't.

You have given her a chance, you have tried to work through her A, but she has not really responded has she? You will find people here who work much longer than the 3-4 months that you have to rebuild after an A, but then they weren't married 5 months and very likely the A began even before the marriage.

Now there are a few here that have indeed been cheated on before and during the beginning of their marriage, and have rebuilt. You can do that if your W is willing. But, in the case of at least on lady her H had really never completed dealing with what his former W had done to him. You might say extenuating circumstance.

Seriously, the choice is really yours. If you decide to rebuild and want help all here will do their best, but I would strongly recommend that you and your W have Marriage counseling with someone that has their head screwed on straight, not some feel good person. I think the Harleys would be a good choice, but you can probably find someone where you live.

Normally, I would say to Plan A and see where you have failed, but I doubt you even had a chance to fail as an H. This makes things even harder.

So stop and really think. Do you want to save this marriage? If you do, then there is a lot of reading for you to do here. But, I suspect that you will find that there are many other woman out there for you and most of them won't be cheating on you before or just after you get married.

God Bless,

JL

As I was reading your post I already thought: uh-oh, this "recovery" seems a bit fast to me.
in the case of an affair, maybe particualrly in the case of WW (as this almost always involves an EA), that can unravel only slowly and is painful on all parties, as all here can agree. a few wet tissues and an "OK, let's proceed as usual" wont help here.

By all means, give it a try - you married her after all, you trusted her. But be prepared to move into plan B pretty swiftly - maybe you are the "affair" to her "stable relationship" with OM?