This is my frist post ever.. I'm a Christian, mother of two, and my H had/having an affair.
It all started 9 months ago when I started to notice a change in him and I asked if he was having an affair. He said no but that he had feelings for someone else and as long as we worked on us we would be o.k. Well we spent some time together that next week and we all had a great time but I checked his phone(I never have done before) and found out that he called his crush. I knew it was her and he told me that it was'nt her(one of his employees)anyway its all down hill from there. We have had some bad fights and most in front of our children and he still wouldn't stop seeing her and I called her a month ago and she told me that he loved her and she was the one that he has been waiting for all his life. When I asked him he would not admit or denie it so I left with the kids for a few days then I went back because why should I have to leave I did nothing wrong. Well he was very made because I tool the children and said what I did was worst then what he did, and I belived him because I would hate for him to take those wonderful gift from God from me. Well he slept
with her again and this time I rally lost it I got all his clothes and started to throw them down stairs and told him to leave and to leave me alone. He would'nt leave and said that he could'nt because he knew that he loved me and he knew that it wasn't right what he did and I needed to give him another chance.
I feel like for the past 9 months all we have taked about and foght about is her and he thinks shes the best thing that has walked the earth. If I even say anything bad about her he goes straight to he honor,but I'm like nothing to him.
I told him to end it with her and he said that he trying to and that I have to just leave it alone and let him take care of it but I son't think he can. He gets made if I ask him any questions about her and a few times I've called and he's been on the phone with her and he said its not what I think but when I ask thenwhat aare you two talking about he will say to leave it alone.
Our Ann is next week and I told him that if he has not ended with her then we will not have another year together.
Was that wrong for me to say or what .......I'm just tired of this and I want my husband back but I do know in my heart that he loves her because he would have never said it to her if he didn't mean it and him not answering me gave it away.

Help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

perez,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry to see you here, but you are in the right place!

Let me start by saying your leaving for a few days was a reaction to one of the most traumatic nightmares you'll ever go through. It was OK to leave and you also made the right decision by going back (assuming there is no violence).

Please read some of the basic materials on this website and read the book "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs."

It was not wrong for you to say that about your anniversary but between now and then you have some reading ahead and some thinking to do.

Unfortunately I have to run to p/u my W from work but I just wanted to get a quick welcome in. Hopefully some others will pickup from here and keep you going. I'll make sure to watch your post in the morning...

MITT

Thanks MITT

I need alot of help but who doesn't........
For the pass few days he has been around but not around , when we are with the kids everything is ok but once the kids are in bed he starts working on his computer. I've said something to him about avoiding me and he said that he needs to get some work done. I've put the kids back on their school nite bed time to get them ready for school next week and also so that we can spend time together but I think he is avoiding it.
I know that I haven't made things easy for him because I've been like this watch dog, calling him in the mornings to see if he is talking to her on his way to work and asking him who he had lunch with and calling him on his way from work home to see if he is on the phone with her. But I feel I have good reason because that is whats happening he does talk to her in the mornings and on his way home and I've caught him many times and now I question him going to work because the last time he was with her he left home in the morning to go to work and didn't make it in the office till noon. I know because I call him that morning and was told that he called and said he wasn't going to be in till later. I confronted him that nite and sure enough he was with her and that was the last time he was with her, I think.
I hate being this kind of person I've never been like this and I've never question him with anything that had to do with work.

lost

Dear Perez...

Here is a book recommendation I feel would be a "good fit" for you.

"Love Must Be Tough" ... by James Dobson. Mr. Dobson writes from a religious point of view, and I think you will appreciate his wisdom and guidance. Do not share the contents from this book with your H at this time. He will not be receptive, AND it will diminish the power you will gain from the book if your H becomes aware of some of the strategies.

Good luck! Keep posting!
Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Perez,
Dobson's book is a good resource.

Your H has done a terrible thing to you.

But, the other thing is, if all you do is hound your husband, check up on him, fight with him, it isn't likely that he does look forward to being with you.

Fighting in front of your children is very damaging to them. He will always be their dad. He might leave their lives as well as yours, but he would remain their dad, irreplaceable.

You have to cope with a situation that is not anything you want in your life, but there it is.

This is a very good place to help you learn better ways of dealing with your fear, anger & betrayal. There's a section here on Lovebusters--angry outbursts, thoughtless decisions, self-righteous judgements, read up on those and AVOID those behaviors.

You've already given the ultimatum, but when you give an ultimatum you have to face that he may choose the other woman. He may take you very seriously and leave. She's probably behaving in an understanding manner, loving, etc. You fight with him. I have no doubt there are other factors in your relationship with him, but given 2 people, one compassate vs one confrontational, what would you choose?

I'd also suggest you start seeing a counselor, Steve or Jennifer Harley offer phone counseling through this sight. Or go to your pastor, either for counseling or a recommendation.

You've already spent 9 terrible months, the things you have been doing haven't led your H to stopping the affair or restoring your marriage, it's time to try something more positive.

This is a place where you can vent your anger and turmoil, rather than at your H.

Hi Perez,

I hope things calmed down a little today from what they were last night.

As I indicated in my reply last night, I would get familiar with several sections on this website (I have listed below) and definately go out and get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. It is available at Barnes & Noble, Borders and Family Christian Stores but call ahead just to be sure.

Basic Concepts
Summary of Plan A

I think you'll find in reading the first few chapters you cannot put it down, as you'll be able to see such similarities to what you are expierencing now. Special focus should be placed on the Plan A topics on both the website and the books. Plan A is a tool that you'll use to TRY and win your husband back. You will again TRY and pull him from a "fog" that is so thick he is blinded in all senses and cannot make rational decisions or plans while he is in "the fog." Many people here refer to the fog as their S has been abducted by an alien spaceship. At this point, I think it is best to caution, that with even the best laid plans and intentions, it sometimes may not be possible to pull your wayward spouse (WS) back. Though I am a major believer as Plan A worked for me as it has many others here.

Plan A is not much about him but it is mostly about you. It is simple to learn because it is many basic skills we already know about ourselves and relationships.

Since your initial discovery is past, you'll find that being the "watch dog" is OK but after certain conditions are met by him and he may do it willingly.

It is also important to know that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! A's are selfish acts with no consideration for others. Though there are always problems in a M, the problems are NO justification to have an A. Ultimately he should have come to you and discussed the problems long before it got to the point it is now! In other words, there were many options at his remedy. I know you hate being like this, but one fact that you must come to grips with is that your entire life has been forever effected and changed (and so has his), but not necessarily for the worst.

I wish you luck in a recovery process and hope that you can find true happiness (and more) inside of your M once again.

I will monitor your posts if you need any additional support or have any specific questions...

You can make this work!!!

MITT

Hi Perez,

I don't have anything to add. You have received some great advice. I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that we care and are here for you.

Take care

thanks to all replys............
You have all touched my heart and have open my eyes to a new page in my life. It is a sad one but with Gods help and a those around me(all of you too)I will start this new journey.

thanks for the support,