If, after about 15 years of marriage and never even mentioning oral sex, a man suddenly decides he has to have it...absolutely insists on it every time, would you say that he has most likely experienced it from someone else?

LC,

No he may not have experienced from other places. He may have seen a porn movie, or read on this site, or a porn site. There seems to be a lot of discussion on this topic these days. Plus he just may enjoy it alot. But from a male point of view, he make really really like the idea that you are doing something for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oral sex can be viewed as one person soully doing something for the other person. In that respect it differs from the traditional view of sex where both parties are actively involved, the male usually doing more of the "work". If only the rest of the worlds work were so tough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously as a male, it may be that for some reason he has become emboldened enough to ask. Was surprised that you agreed and is now acting like a kid in the candy store.

I don't think it implies much of anything else. Really I don't

God Bless,

JL

Just adding to JL comment ... he might start having hard time to arouse himself up ... need help. -RH-

LC,

I think it's great that he feels close enough to you to ask. A great many men wouldn't have gone to their wives with such a request after 15 years of never mentioning it. I hope that in that, you can find TRUE INTIMACY instead of just oral sex.

I have to agree with the other posts. Be thankful he is coming to you with his desires. It could have been something he always wanted or something his friends talked about or just wondering what he might be missing.

I used to be able to come to my WS about all my desires with her. Once that stopped everything began falling apart. She began to make it so difficult to talk about it that we stopped. She read that to mean I was cheating on her. I wasn't.

BTW, have you recipricated by asking him for something you would like romantically or sexually?

Thanks, but I guess I should have given more detail. LOOONNNNG STORY!!

We've been married for 32 years. 16 years ago, he had a fling with the STD Tramp. It was around this time that he started demanding oral sex, which created a problem for me. I was really naive about sex and was a virgin when we married, so oral sex was a huge turn-off at the time (no longer have a problem with it, though!).

After a few good years of marriage which followed a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, the emotional and verbal abuse had started back up. Also, I had recently started a daycare business which took long hours, so I really wasn't in much of a loving mood at the time.

Not long after that, I was diagnosed with an STD, which made things even worse, especially since H denied cheating and became even more emotionally and verbally abusive. He denied cheating until 3 years ago.

There are a lot of elephants in this house, given that he refuses to discuss anything to do with his cheating. Last night, I decided to shoot one of the elephants and asked him when was the first time he had oral sex.

He said, "I don't know; I guess it was with you." I did not love bust <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> , although I did say, "I don't think so." He asked why I didn't think so, and I told him that I'd always wondered, since he started out demanding it right out of the blue around the time of the STD Tramp. He got quiet, and I just left to go outside a while. Nothing more has been said, although I do believe that he is still not telling me the truth and I think he knows that. This morning, he's been trying to "jolly" me up, which is what he usually does when he's guilty of something and doesn't want to admit it.

Oh, well, I guess he'll tell me the truth in about another 13 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ATS, yes, I have asked him for romance, such as being "seduced" as opposed to just being reached for when I get into bed. No dice. He does, however, make the effort to take care of me now, instead of being finished when he gets finished. I asked him for an erotic massage once, about a week after I had given him one, but it took another 3 weeks before I finally got it, and that's another long story. BTW, when H was in his EA with Cafe Woman, he had absolutely no interest in sex with me....in fact, usually couldn't even finish the job if he ever got started. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: Lady Clueless ]</small>

I pretty much agree with everyone else... it doesn't mean he definitely had it with someone else.

It seems like a good opportunity to meet what much be an important EN for him.

I would become more concerned if he used it as a basis to have just HIM satisfied - your needs count too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If he's solely focused on OS and won't give himself, you could try to incorporate OS into "more creative" SF that gets your needs met too. I dunno... that's all I'm going to say about that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi LC!

whoops double
take care,
TNT

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>

Hi LC!

I'd have to strongly agree with JL's response, after all, he's a guy, right?

anyway - suppose your hunch is right.... and your husband only began liking oral sex after his affair with the dead OW.... and, your hunch that your husband was so enmeshed with thoughts of cafe woman that he wasn't interested in sex with you....

That is in the past, and how do things change if he does tell you that what you suspect is true? If he is trying to bury the past and it's details, then isn't that something like moving on? I mean - you guys have come a long ways since you first started posting here and his episodes with cafe women...

What if you just decided that the worst happened, he is never going to be the honest kind of guy you really want, and move forward from there? Look ahead - not back?

I think that we tend to look back after a recovery ONLY WHEN our emotional needs aren't currently being met. You mention that he doesn't respond to your requests readily (ie: erotic massage, etc.) - so maybe your emotional needs aren't getting met - and it is causing you to look backwards not forwards?

I know one thing, you, my lady clueless, deserve a medal. . . . because your husband is Mr. clueless, not you! You find more clues than anyone I know... ha ha ha ha, and I say that affectionately.

take care,
TNT

Hi, TNT! I've been thinking about you. I hope you are doing well and that your H has straightened himself up!

In answer to your question, I've been trying to accept that my H will just never tell me the whole truth and just go on. However, I feel as though I've been "settling" for 32 years and don't want to keep on settling. I want a marriage with true intimacy, and I'm even more doubtful that I will ever have one.

I NEED to have a husband who will tell me the whole truth without my having to drag it out of him. Like I mentioned in my first post, there are a whole bunch of elephants in this house. It's hard to talk about anything without being afraid of crashing into one of those elephants. Maybe if my H was inclined to do more than the bare essential, I could live with his not telling me the whole truth, but I doubt it. As it is now, my H doesn't think he has to do any more than speak politely to me, give me a hug or kiss when he thinks about it, and have sex with me a couple of times a week. Of course, those are a big improvement over when he was "in love" with Cafe Woman. In fact, I do know that it takes major effort for him to treat me with common courtesy, conisdering that he spent about 25 years talking to me like I was some stupid fool, with occasional periods of "niceness".

I've come to realize that one reason he may not be willing to meet the needs that I've asked him to me is because he probably thinks that I'm asking him for those things to "punish" him...and Lord knows that HE "is not going to be punished!"

These are needs that I have stifled for years and years. I'm surprised that I didn't have an affair! As it is, I'm almost to the point that I'd rather be alone than to settle for less than what I want and need. My love bank is getting pretty doggone low!

Take care of yourself! We don't hear enough from you!
LC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lady Clueless:
<strong>If, after about 15 years of marriage and never even mentioning oral sex, a man suddenly decides he has to have it...absolutely insists on it every time, would you say that he has most likely experienced it from someone else?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask yourself if you really want to know if he had it with someone else before. Because if it's true, it'll drive you nuts.

I don't believe in lying anymore (I've had my share of problems) but concrete details of sexual infidelity are not on my list of remedies.

I'm not a guy but I think that it IS most likely that OW gave your H a blow job and he obviously enjoyed it... You don't come out of the blue in 15 years and start demanding something this radical? Something that you have never done with your spouse before? I think a more realistic way for this topic to arise is through a curious discussion... THEN you experiment and see if it is pleasurable for both of you... not DEMANDING it out of nowhere... (???) Seems VERY fishy to me...

If you have been married for as long as you have, you get to KNOW your spouse's day in and day out habits--especially their bedroom habits. If I were you I would have also been suspicious and rightly so.

Look at how he had to get up and leave the room when you called him on it. He was so busted! Lady, you are NOT clueless, IMO!

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 04:21 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Yeah, I think that STD-Tramp gave him his first bj.

Given that I was such an "innocent" and initially found oral sex to be a repulsive act, I had a great deal of difficulty with doing it for quite a while. I never refused to EVER do it, but I really had to work myself up to it. It never helped that as soon as we got started, he would start insisting on it. I would usually just be starting to get "into it", and all of a sudden...er, things would dry up, so to speak. It really was a physical turn-off for me. I tried talking to H about it, telling him that it would just take some time for me to get used to it, and that I would like to please him in this way, but not every time. I told him that I would initiate it fairly often if he would stop insisting on it when I said no. He ignored me. After a while, I began to DREAD having sex because of this. Needless to say, our sex lives did suffer. Now, of course, I've long since adapted and don't mind it a bit, although I would like to have it reciprocated more than a couple of times a year.

Another question for the guys:

Do you remember the first bj you ever had?

Thanks for the responses!

Again, LC, I'm not a guy but I'm QUITE SURE it is impossible to forget the first time any of us has had oral sex and whether or not we enjoyed it. I am not even in your house and I can tell that your H is lying about his experience(s) with xOW in order to "protect" you. You know what's up... And furthermore, he knows that you know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My W is only person I have ever had any serious RECEIVING sexual experiences with. And yes, I do remember it well, and where, when, time of year, how long it went on, yada, yada.

And I know things are good if I actually get some oral attention. Heck, I am grateful for ANY sexual attention.