On Thursday it will be one month since I implemented plan B and asked my H not to contact me.

He hasn't.

There has been zilch, nada, nothing, zero.

I'm working very hard at letting go.
I'm working very hard at living my life.
I'm am being patient.
Everyday I ask for God's help.
I basically handed it all over to God.

If my H has not contacted me after nearly a month, do I just presume that I might as well kiss my Marriage goodbye? I've had a few friends tell me now that if he wanted to be with me and loved me he would be back by now. I was telling myself that the opposite could be true - if he wanted to go, he would be gone by now.

I am considering it highly likely what another friend told me - that he just wants out, and is too gutless to do it himself. He's waiting for me to do it.

I don't want a divorce or to end my marriage, but what is the point of holding onto something the only one wants? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My H was giving me all the signs that things were progressing nicely before plan B, but the A was still going and I truly feel I would be in a mental institution had I kept going with plan A.

I have no intention of making contact with him. I know that as long as A is still going there is no point.

Before I went to plan B he told me that OW was not that important, but he wouldn't end contact. Do I presume then that my marriage is of even less importance to him?

I'm struggling with the issue of whether to just give up, this is not what I want to do - I would like to give my marriage another shot.

I am glad that he has respected my wish for no contact, but there is a part of me that is very sad that he does not think enough of me to even try.

I wonder if I should have tried to keep at plan A, but it wasn't working for me, it had reached a point where it wasn't achieving anything (other than to condone the A).

He kept saying he just wanted to move slow, but I couldn't stand the thought of them together anymore.

All our finances are still together, he still contributes to our mortgage, all is the same as before except he dosen't live here and I don't have any contact with him.

I feel so lonely, I miss (the real) him very much. I've started to tell myself that he is dead and to just forget about it.

I don't know what to think anymore. Does anyone have another perspective that may be helpful?

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

Seahorse: I am so sorry for your circumstances. I was in a similar situation several months ago. I was forced into Plan B by stbxh. It killed me. I wanted to save our marriage and reach out to him but he was so involved with the OW that he wanted nothing to do with me. I think the no contact on his part was partially guilt also.

So now we are very close to a final judgment being signed. All communication has been through our attorneys.

I look back now and realize that if we had contact it would have been a nightmare; everytime we would have communicated it would have just opened up the wound. It was easier to just let go.

The first couple of months of no contact are the hardest. But during that time, and even now, I learned to live by myself again (we had no children) and appreciate my friends and family. I can definitely say that I have grown as a person more so during these last six months than at any other time in my life.

I know that this is probably one of the most difficult periods of your life. It is so hard not to be in touch with the person you love. Unfortunately, things did not work out for me. But in the long run, now that I look back at things, it is for the best. Hang in there, it's true what everyone says, it does get better. I wish you the best.

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: Fingers1258 ]</small>

Seahorse - I did plan A and became a doormat. My WH-stbx even posted here on MB that he could ask me anything and I would do it. It was a test for him to see how far I would go. I was trying to get the marriage back at all costs.

It didn't work out for me - so we did plan B. But not a true plan B. Steve Harley suggested plan B, but once again, my stbx said he wanted to do plan B his way and only his way. Steve didn't agree with stbx plan B. I was to do the business with him, communicate daily, he was to come to our house and take showers, do his laundry, eat here and etc. He wanted to have a maid, for him, talk to him, and then go to his place of living by himself as if everything is okay. It still is not plan B totally. That is why I have a good lawyer now, cause I married a controller and one who has a lot of anger in him.

Through counseling, if we had instilled a Plan B without any contact at all, it would of been a lot better for me. Be thankful that he agreed to no contact, it makes it easier to disconnect. As far as mending your marriage, just work on yourself, and do things with friends and family. You will grow stronger each day, I didn't believe it either, but now see the growth, and through counseling they see the growth. It feels good, it is wonderful to know that I am a good person, and that I will be okay, even though WH-stbx is acting like an idiot, and showing his ballistic anger and name calling.

Don't let Plan B get you down, just consider it a vacation from him, and know that you are a good person. Know you are doing what is right. Don't know if divorce is in your picture or not, but look at yourself and don't look at him. If you want, take down the memories the two of you have hanging on the wall, I am doing this little by little.

Good luck, we are here to help you get through this.

the ball is in his court. there's nothing you can do. contacting him would prolong the agony.
instead, make yourself happy & keep up the hope.

(((*SEAHORSE*)))

Plab B is difficult for you because you are grieving a serious loss. Do not rush grieving, that only prolongs things. ("nearly a month" is a relatively short period of time)

The fact that he has not contacted you tells you that plan B was very much the right choice at this time.

You may or may not recover your M. You do have a choice to recover your integrity, your dignity, and your personal power .... which is what you are beginning to do with plan B.

Be patient .... you are birthing a new Seahorse. Birthing hurts. Labor pains and all that ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think you are DOING GREAT! Even your doubts and struggles have a purpose.

God bless.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Seahorse -- Many hugs here for you. Remember when you were feeling so frustrated by your interactions with him pre-plan B. How he couldn't really commit? How he wouldn't give up OW? How he wouldn't make consistent plans with you? How you felt awful after every contact with him? That is why you are now in plan B. You were losing your love for him.

Now, you -- as Pepperband says -- are having a vacation from that particular type of pain and lovebank draining. You now have another kind of pain and torment. I don't honestly know which is worse because I'm still in a difficult plan A. I hope others who were/are in plan B respond to you.

My thoughts are with you. You did a very strong plan A and I know you can be strong through plan B. You are a star and your WH is just too blinded by his own guilt and fog to see that right now. But we see it.

Seahorse,
I feel your pain. My situation is very similar, although I am not in plan B. I am not really in plan A either because it's just too difficult with WW lying, seeing OM etc. All I know is that God seems to work in ways that we totally do not expect. Just when we think we have Him "figured out", He constantly surprises by meeting our needs in other ways. I cease to be amazed at how He comes to us when we have given up hope. Hang in there!

(((hugs))) to you Seahorse, I will keep you in my prayers. We are all here for you!!

bumping for Seahorse

Dear Seahorse,

Good to hear from you. Well no contact is what you requested and actually you should be glad but I understand your inner pain.

Pepper's vacation description is a good one. Helps you refocus.

Now the OW gets to meet all his needs. You will learn via plan B that he was not meeting your needs either so why should you be anxiously waiting for little tidbits of attention?

You are worth much more than that. Keep your dignity and respect. That is the one thing that OW does not have.

Many an OW covet the name, position, money, property, etc of the BS. But the OW will always be the ow and you will always be the one who shared his sane moments. Remember that and realize that even if he called or came back right now, he is still not ready for you. He has a ways to go to come back to the standard of respect that you deserve.

Don't allow him to make you sink to his level. You are better than that.

Hugz,
L.

Hi All, thank you for your ideas and your support. I'm no sure what else to say to you I wish I could say its all better now, but we all know it dosen't work that way. Only time and hard work will help.

I think its getting tough because I'm generally pretty impatient and yes I'm scared of loosing H. I'm working on why I feel scared because whether he comes back or not its not a 'healthy' way to conduct a relationship really.

Still I miss him terribly, but I know that anyone in this situation would. I'm glad I don't have to explain it to you, because others (non-MB's) don't get it.

I'm going out tonight with the diving buddies that I will go to Vanuatu with, its something I've been looking forward to for some time and I'm hoping to gain some new friends.

Thank you again, I very much appreciate it.

Keep us posted Seahorse. Have a GREAT time with the diving folks. I think I've mentioned it before, but my sister met her future H and lots of new friends when she took up diving. Not that you're looking for a new H, but it seems to me that fun, adventerous people are drawn to diving and you should meet some new folks.

You going to Vanuatu? Lucky you - the best vacation I can get at the moment is the Gold Coast (in 2 months) for a night. I was hoping to go interstate next month but Im now a bridesmaid and its costing me over $300. So, I hope you enjoy it. WOW!!! And you dive? What a great life, its fantastic that youre into some great adventures, youve got me inspired!

Dancer