Well, last night was just simply horrible. DH had issues. He had a rough day. Some things got him all tense and then triggers started, and the rest was down hill. I could tell something was bothering him. Finally when DS went to bed I got DH to talk to me. We talked about us and how things were just over a year ago, etc. He brought up things from the past and that he believes I knew exactly what I was doing in the affair. That if I didn't enjoy it was much as OM I wouldn't have gone back. It hurt alot.

We ended up in a huge argument. He tossed up a couple of things from then (affair time) and I pressed about how we have to stop living in the past. He seems to think I feel that since he loves me so much that he'll just forget it. I never have thought that. Well, come to find out that our Counselor did think that, actually she told him that. So he pointed out that since he is aware of it that it won't happen that way. If she had never pointed it out that he probably would have let it all go by now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Wouldn't that be nice.

Anyhow, at one point I mentioned how I call him and send him e-mails throughout the day and most of the time he doesn't respond or even acknowledge them. That I have to ask him if he got them. He said, in a very bitter way, that's because that's what you did to me for 2 years, so now I'm not going to acknowledge you. That hurt a lot.

I feel today that my rebuilding just isn't as far along as I thought it was. Maybe we're just in a rut, but today I am very sad and very down. I AM SCARED!!!! I am so terrified that my marriage won't make it. He got so mad last night that he told me he quits and we're through. He was going to leave. Then he said that when he gets back from his trip to just have his stuff packed and he'll leave then. I was crying terribly. He was rather mean and yelling.

Anyhow, the stress and anxiety got the best of me last night and I got sick. DH heard me and come running to see if I was ok. That broke the whole thing. After that we had TT HH EE M O S T INCREDIBLE sex ever!

This morning he seemed ok, but I am scared to death. I want my marriage so badly. Last night he said that I can never love him the way I did when we got married. The problem is, I do and more, but he says he just doesn't see it. That I don't look at him the same. I know I do, I look at him with total adoration and I know my eyes show it, he just refuses to see it.

I asked if we were ok, and he said he thinks so. I guess that's better than him saying no. I asked if he knew what all brought that on, and he said that he just thinks we were both on two different pages of emotions and our tempers flared and blamo. I don't know. I just want my life back.

Anyhow, for those of you who have gotten this far, thanks for reading. I feel so awful today. Between the burning eyes from crying last night and being tired, to the extreme headache and then the panic I feel of being scared, I'm just having a really rough day. Thank you though for taking the time for me.

Tutter...I really really think you guys should NOT be trying to work through all of this on your own. Mainly HE shouldn't be working through his stuff all on his own. He needs to find a healthy way to release his side of things so that he can move on. And he DOES need to move on. It probaly IS normal for him to be having these feelings again, but that doesn't mean that even if you get through this...that he's processed this the right way. I would seriously consider calling someone and making an appointment. Tell H you'd love it if he would go with but that you'll go no matter what so that you can try to be there for him. This is NOT little stuff you're dealing with...it's all extrememly major.

((( *Queen Tut* )))

Your H's "taker" is having his way. Convincing your H that he's been hurt so it's OK to hurt you back. "What about ME? ME? ME?" Very 3-year-old-ish. We all do this to some degree. MY taker was a ***** with a credit card in early recovery !!!!!! I went on a spending rampage.

Counseling would help both of you.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper wrote the following on a different thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you know that "hate" is a secondary emotion? What this means is that there is a primary emotion that you are skipping over ---> and turning into hate !

The primary emotion can be fear or helplessness ..... usually something that makes us feel weak and powerless .... so, in order to restore our sense of power ... we go into ANGER or HATE to feel powerful. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DH mentioned last night that he is afraid of me. I think that this came from the whole I am the one person who can really hurt him the most and he is afraid to go head over heals into it. So he carries this "hate" for OM? He can't possibly hate me, he loves me too much.

Anyhow, just a thought through reading. I'm just lost and confused today.

Hope and Pepper, thanks so much for your replies.

I mentioned going back into counseling last week and DH seemed to feel that I was poiting the finger at him. I mentioned that there are issues and insecurities that we need to work through together. I tried desperately to show him that it's a we thing and not a him or me thing, but he felt singled out.

Then after what he told me last night about what that counselor said to him I have lost faith. What sort of counselor would say "you love her so much that you will just forget about this in no time"?

I just don't know. I'm not sure he'll go for it, and I feel that if I bring it up it will come across as very negative. I just don't know what to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MY taker was a ***** with a credit card in early recovery !!!!!! I went on a spending rampage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pepper! I DID too for a while! This must be common. A lot of it was to "fix myself up" and make myself more attractive, clothes, etc. Is that what your spending spree involved?

My wife and I are probably at a better place than we have ever been. We are more in love, communicate better, and have fewer arguements.

HOWEVER, we still have bad days. Don't let a bad day take away the good that has been going on. Keep working on things and don't give up. Sometimes I feel like your H, but I notice that the next day is always better.

I believe you will get through this one too.

SS

Ok, so DH calls me just a little bit ago. He is in a pretty good mood. Asks how I am, and I tell him ok, I guess. He then asks why I didn't call him this morning. I said I didn't know I was supposed to. He said you usually do. I simply said sorry. Hate to say it but I did it to see if he'd notice and miss it because of what he said last night. I won't tell him that because I don't think it will help.

Anyhow, he asked what was wrong and I told him I'm scared. He asked what he could do or say to help. I said I didn't know, but that I was afraid of losing him. Then I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me. He respond, without hesitation and in a very upbeat tone, "yes". I smiled (although he couldn't see that) and told him that helps, it helps a lot. Funny, my head ache is gone.

I asked if he was ok. He said he still has some things bothering him but it's nothing worth dwelling on. Wow! I said we can talk rationally later. I also told him that I think we were both still recouperating from being in the sun and heat too much Sunday. He said he thinks things just got out of control.

He asked what I was doing for lunch and I told him I was probably getting a hot dog from the vendors downstairs. He said, oh ok. Anyhow, it seemed quite good. What do you guys think? I feel pretty good after it. I hope things will start to continue upward for awhile now. Thanks for listening.

Still Seeking - Thanks so much for that reply. It definately gives much hope and inspiration to my situation. It helps so much to know that even with that very bad evening that our progress and marriage could still be as developed as I thought. Thank you so much.

Tutter:

I emailed you at your ivillage account regarding your post. You know me from a different board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't think you should worry too much, the other posters were right. There are bumps in the road for a long time. Some days they are less than others.

WIM

tutter13

You have a lot of people who are praying for you. Keep a smile on your face and thing will work out. I know with jd and myself there are times that are rocky but we work throught them.

I hope that today will be a wounderful day for you.

sj

TutterMouse

You are on THE ROLLERCOASTER !!!!!!!!!!!

up ... down ... turn .... fast .... faster .... up .... down .... loop-de-loop ..... wheeeeeeeeeeee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't get scared baby girl. You are doing OK.

Love,

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Tutter:

You are one of the best! Don't ever forget your contributions to this forum.

"Then after what he told me last night about what that counselor said to him I have lost faith. What sort of counselor would say "you love her so much that you will just forget about this in no time"? "

The same sort of C that told me last Friday that maybe I love my W so much that I should just put up with her continuing R with Rat Meat, if that's what she wants. Twits. Dangerous twits.

Whoisme - I got your e-mail and replied. Thank you.

Pepper - I really hate roller coasters, they make me sick. I just wish I knew how to settle some of it and make it all feel a little more safe.

JD - Thank you for the thoughts and insights. I know it's important to work through, but sometimes it just seems there is no way to do it. I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I've made the decision to work on my marriage but that my future is in the hands of my husband and he doesn't know what he wants to do with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Oh, I feel so lost.

2long - Yes, dangerous twits. So, it's not just me then, you see how harmful rather than helpful that sort of comment could be? Is it possible that it has put a bit of a strain on our progress? Anyhow, thanks so much for the thoughts. I enjoy that I can help and contribute in a positive way. It's also nice that I can count on all of you to help pull me out of my ruts. Thank you.

Now, I just got off the phone with DH. He was in a pretty good mood. He almost didn't say love you before getting off the phone when I did, but he did say it. That's a good thing. He asked about my lunch and I told him I ate my hot dog across the street at the park but since it was so windy I came back to the office and read in the conference room. I explained that is why I missed his call (he had called at about 12:30). However, I didn't get a chance to call him back till about 1:25 'cause when I got back to my desk I had some things to take care of, and I explained this to him as well. I can't help but be nervous that this may be a trigger for him. I hope not. Anyhow, I just hope that things can start to look up again, soon. I so hate to argue like that.

Again, thank you all for your help and support. I'm nervous about what later will bring, but I pray and hope that things look up and go well. Thank you for the prayers and good thoughts. I'm scared, but I think I will do just fine. Please God, help me through this because I am lost and frightened.