Hello Everyone, this is my first time posting here. I was registered to this site to help work on my marriage which was on the brink of divorce. The wife (25) and myself have been seperate for 8 months and we have recently begun talking and spending alot of time together. We decide that we would work on this marriage and cancel the divorce proceedings. We also started planning to move in together with our children (Ages 6 and 1.5). Everything was going great, like a movie for the last month or so.

Last night I found out that my wife had gone to a club with her friend and got drunk to the point she started making out with another guy. It turns out this guy was my bestfriend growing up. She did this on sunday and I dont believe she would have told me this happened had a friend not seen her at the club. She admitted to it and apologized many times saying she was drinking and not thinking at all. She said that there was no way she'd do something like that sober.

I am unsure what to do. Most of the infidelity articles focus on affairs. Would this be considered cheating? I really love my wife, and am very hurt by this. But I dont want to overreact and end this yet again over something trivial.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Welcome to MB. This is just my opinion but I believe it's cheating. By saying "making out with another guy" I assume you mean kissing etc. All of her kisses should belong to you and you alone. You said she did it because she was drunk but that's simply an excuse not an answer. I have had too much to drink on different occasions but I've never kissed or "made out" with other men.

I think if you and your wife want to salvage your marriage you may need professional counseling. From what you posted I assume your wife was 19 when she had your first child. Maybe she feels she never had a chance to have fun. Have you asked her why she's not happy?

Keep reading and posting here, you'll get great advice.

Yes, it is a form of infidelity. No, it's not trivial, though it's certainly not a "full blown" affair.

It's encouraging that you both want to work on your marriage. You should get into counseling to help you with your problems.

Marriage can be a very rewarding experience (certainly a lot more rewarding than partying), but it will take work on the parts of both of you to make it a success. You're still very young, and have a lot of opportunity to grow and have a great future together and with your family.

All my best to you and your wife.

It is not the behavior of a happily married woman. It is a mistake but it doesnt have to mean the end of your marriage. I was married very young as well. Mistakes happen but she definitely needs to change her ways. If she is a person that does not have control over herself while drinking then obviously she needs to avoid those situations. Bottom line there may be reasons for bad behavior, identifying the reasons can be helpful in eliminating the triggers but the reasons never justify the bad behavior. Best of luck.

RnKC,

I would not consider it a "full blown A" but it EASILY could have gone physical - given there was alcohol involved.

When any person starts to drink, the VERY FIRST sense to be "run over" is judgement and it happens very early on in the consumption process (usually by the 2nd drink). This is why it's so easy for a friend to "twist our arm's" to have "just one more." It's also why people get in cars and drive.

My focus would start on the alcohol. Is she (usually) in control of herself when she is drinking or does she like to go out and "let her hair down and party?" But needless to say, she has shown you distrust and bad judgement when she was away from you.

It's time to read more about MB priciples and see if you can discuss this rationally to ensure something like this can NEVER happen again and to avoid the added pain of a full blown A in the future...

MITT

There is not enough beer in the world for me to lose control like that, sorry for your pain, people can make up all the excuses they want, and there still is no excuse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you all for the replies, they are very helpful. We have not talked since last night and she assumes that its over. I can not bring myself to call her to talk about it. I am very uncertain as to how to approach this. I am going to read up on the MB principles hopefully they will steer me in the right direction. Needless to say I am very confused and hurt. We are still seperated at this point, so it will probably be up to me to confront her about this. Thanks again, and any future comments are welcome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This may sound really silly, and I'm not at all going to downplay the hurt you must feel at this moment. I've walked a million miles in your shoes, and I know how it feels to be where you are.

Get on that phone and call your wife. It was a stupid drunken kiss. A stupid mistake. One moment of alcohol induced weakness where a confused and lonely young woman did a crappy thing.

Now, you have 2 children and a marriage to work on. You said that things were getting better. She was stupid. We all do stupid things. I am the queen of stupid things.

Get counseling, work on your marriage, love your children, love your wife, get the help you need to make this work.

This site is full of stories of marriages that have been through terrible traumas and have recovered beautifully.

You don't have to just sweep this under the rug, but geez, don't make this one a federal case ok?

I think your kids deserve it.

E

Well I just called her and asked her if we could meet somewhere and talk. She was with her (girl)friend and totally copped an attitude. I contained my feelings and spoke to her very gently. She said she would meet, but said "I dont know why you want to meet, all your going to do is put all the blame on me". I didnt know how to answer that, so I said thats not what I have in mind. Her friend is not married and a frequent night clubber. The messed up thing is that day we went out to lunch together with her friend the had some private time at a local park and talked and walked until 9:30pm, this is after spending an entire weekend together. *sigh* Thanks for the advice justthewife. I wont make a federal case of it, but I want her to know that it was unacceptable- especially so early in our "new" relationship.

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: RnKC ]</small>

RnKC:

JTW is right. The task you have ahead of you is far more important than "guaging" the seriousity (I made that word up) of her kissing the guy at the bar.

With her "attitude" and this terriffically supportive (not) friend to deal with, though, you are going to have to tread lightly for a while. But you sound up to the task. The long term results of truly rebuilding your M are potentially worth the reward for treading lightly for a while here.