I'm sorry to report that after today's session with Steve, in which he spent an hour and 45 minutes with my WW, we have decided that I must go to Plan B.

She is nowhere near "getting it", she does not even peceive the damage and pain infidelity has caused us and me, and she is not prepared to do anything more that start Steve's 3-step process again. Obviously this is not enough to allow me to stay and continue to Plan A, as she has no intention of admitting the A is on-going (she now says her last visit, when she was not allowed into the prison was the last one), no intention of demonstarting that it has indeed ended, no intention of putting a plan in place to ensure NC.

In other words, she's still stalling for even more time, allowing only that she was not completely forthcoming as she went through the 3 steps before, and that she's willing to now be more forthcoming. Obviously, this is too little, too late for me.

She just does not yet understand that although there were things wrong with our M before the A, we cannot begin to really address those until the A is over. She believes that the A is inconsequential to this and has no bearing on any of it.

So, over the next day or two I will finish making all of my arrangements, and I am to let her know that Steve has told me what she's willing to do, that this is not enough, and that the pain I am feeling does not allow me to stay here any longer.
Then I am to leave.

Over the next few days, I am to still have contact with her as necessary to finalize arrnagements (kids, financial, etc.) and after "the dust settles", deliver the Plan B letter, and initiate No Contact with her.

I was told by Steve to refrain from predicting the future, but I am truly not very hopeful. Unless my leaving has an impact that is far beyond what I think it will, I have very little hope at this point.

The next few days will be difficult for me, and I sincerely hope to have all of the forum's support, as I have had up to now.

Bless you all.

Spacecase,
(((((((prayers))))))))
So sorry! I'm in pain too, and I know exactly how you feel. My WH also denies any on-going relationship with OP, even though his new apt. is near her.

You will make it, though it is difficult. To say you'll make it one day at a time is too much, really you'll make it one minute at a time.
Minute to minute God will see you through. Remember, Psalm 30:5 "Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
God will bring us joy.

KK

((( ** SpaceHugs ** )))

We will be here for you.

Pepper

SC:

"She just does not yet understand that although there were things wrong with our M before the A, we cannot begin to really address those until the A is over. She believes that the A is inconsequential to this and has no bearing on any of it."

My W says the same. Hence, for you, plan B. For me? Probably the same eventually.

We will be here for you, SC!!

"Refrain from predicting the future"

Embroider this on a pillow .... engrave this on a door .... tattoo this on your wrist .... this is your new mantra .......

I will refrain from predicting the future .... (Like Bart Simpson) you may need to write this on the blackboard 100 times before you "get it"!

(((HUGS)))

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

you can do it, spacecase!
now, it's out of your hands, it's truly her decision now. you cant influence events anymore, so the more chance for you to focus on yourself, making yourself happy.

good luck.

I see Pepper already covered what I was going to say. ( thanks pepper)

We can't and don't want to try to minimize your pain. We have shown care in the past, we care today, and we will care in the future. You have many that will take your journey with you as much as we are able to do so.

I wonder how you will feel one year from now. None of us knows - but I BELIEVE that you will be happy and healthy and loving life.

See you around,
SS

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Dear, dear Spacecase,

I cannot express how sorry I am that the fog did not clear in this latest session with SH. I sincerely hope that your Plan B turns out to be the biggest foghorn in the history of MB--and that your WW heeds its sound to find her way out of her dense, dense fog.

You are strong, loving, and compassionate--just to name a couple things. You are so much more than that too--and you are also things you have not yet discovered about yourself. I am looking forward to reading about your discovery and development of those things while you are in Plan B.

Per SH's advice to you, I will refrain from predicting the future--except to say that I predict you will get through this in ways that you will be proud of and content with.

You, your children, and your WW will continue to be in my prayers.

(((Spacecase))) so sorry it has come to this, but you are strong, and you will make it!

SC - sorry to hear the latest. You certainly don't deserve to be at this crossroad. On the bright side, you've done your homework, you've got tons of support here, your kids love you. Hopefully, Plan B will cause the scales to fall from her eyes so see can see how messed up she became.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Yes, trying to predict the future is really not worth the energy. It's in her hands now. Maybe her reaction will not exactly be what you expect.

To illustrate, in my case when I caught my wife making contact with OM via e-mail a month and a half ago, I was honest with her and confidently said that I had to now seriously consider "leaving her" (actually Plan B but w/o the MB jargon). To my surprise, that comment tipped her over the edge and she quickly fired off a NC letter and has apparently complied with NC ever since (...judging by withdrawal symptoms and acknowledgement of my pain). Recovery is now in 1st gear and may even be ready to upshift--just watching out for speedbumps!

Has SH already suggested Plan B as a possibility to her and the risks that entails? Or would it come as a complete surprise to her? (have not been reading all your posts).

I just went out to finalize my extended stay arrangements, and come back to all of these responses...I don't know what to say...thank you everyone...this is a very difficult moment for me.

I'll try to come back later and respond. I have a ton of things to take care of, as I'll be out tomorrow.

Thank you, thank you all!

sorry,

as I am in a weepy mood, I'll cry a few for you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SC, you sound really good, actually - like you've got it together... having a lot of time to think about it and prepare helps, for sure.

I said it before, I'll say it again - this time you're about to get may help you refocus and buy more time - because time is on your side. After the initial hump, it will start to feel better.

I personally do not regret going to Plan B for one second.

I wish I'd done it sooner.

SC,

I am sorry to hear this, but if my memory serves me correctly, Plan A often doesn't move the marriage into recovery. It just sets the stage. I think you are in a very good position to go into plan B. Your notes to her on her last trip, your 11 months of effort on this, and finally your children will all play a role in how she responds.

So do this knowing it was very likely coming and that you have done your best to set the stage for this part of the process. Hang in there SC.

God Bless,

JL

Space, I am so sorry to see that the fog hasn't lifted. Your W is missing out on someone truly wonderful.

J.R. is right - this will help you refocus, especially if you can keep strictly to no contact. I have not been able to implement Plan B because of too much going on (i.e. sale of house, negotiating separation agreement) and every time I see H, I take at least a few steps back.

My H also says the same things as your W and 2long's W. He still doesn't get it either.

You are a strong man, Space. You can do this. It will suck at the beginning, but you will get past that. I sincerely hope that your W wakes up and smells the coffee before it's too late.

Hugs,
JG

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Jelly Girl ]</small>

Sorry space.

I am crying with and for you.

It is not over, just down a different path now.

You will soon see how much you mean to her. I sometimes wish I could go to Plan B, so that my WW would do something like Hope4Future did. I need validation from my WW that she wants to work on us. This is your ticket to a great future.

God bless.

I spoke with my W, let her know I was leaving tomorrow. I told her that I could no longer be here with her as long as her heart is elsewhere. That the pain is too great, and I need to get away from it for a while, and decide what it is I want to do.

She was not happy. She fully expected me to accept what she proposed to Steve (basically to start the 3-step process over, this being more forthcoming) but with no intention of ending the R, demonstrating it, or ensuring NC.

She tried to talk to me, but I really cut her off; probably a bit abruptly. Didn't mean to, just happened. She started to say the the relationship with the OM had already ended, and I just rolled my eyes and grunted. And I said; "Oh, so what happened? It started again?". Of course, this set her off, that it would always be that way, that it was her fault, always would be, that she couldn't talk to me....etc. etc.
In order to avoid any further escalation, I just repeated that I was not sure what I wanted to do, that I neede to think about it, and that I suggested she take the apptmt we have with Steve next week and talk to him. Who knows if she will...

So, my departure did not start too well, but at least it did not degenerate into a fight/argument. Naturally, she's now "offended" and giving me the silent treatment/nasty look. I wonder if she'll let me sleep in our bed tonight...maybe I'll get the couch ready!

I'm OK. Better than expected, I guess, but I haven't talked to my kids yet and that's going to be a crying-fest for sure. I hope she doesn't unload on them too much, but I'll leave the door open for them to come and stay with me as required...I got a 2-bed "suite" precisely for this eventuality.

Some family events are coming up, like my son's 20th birthday on Friday, and all the local family will be over for that. Not sure if I should attend. If I follow Steve's guidelines, I should remain in relative contact for about a week, and when the "dust settles", I'm to go to full Plan B, after delivering the letter. Thoughts on this?

Also, what about our Anniversary? (8/30) probably should do nothing, right? I mean I'll be in full Plan B by then...

So the next phase begins...I hope I can keep it together. Of ALL the things that could have happened tomorrow, I got called for an interview! Moving out day, and the first interview in a few weeks...life is getting interestinger and interestinger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

SC:

I'm rootin' for ya, man! Hang in there. I know you can do this.

I also believe that it will restore your M like nothing else can, based on how your W is reacting to the news, but even if it doesn't you've done a fine job of setting yourself up for a bright future!

Good luck at the job interview tomorrow!

Space...I'm very sorry it's come to this point. Really...if being a pessimist allows you to accept the way things are, then do that...but it truly isn't over until it's over. Sure she's fuming...and will be for quite some time. Let her...she's got no one to blame but herself.

My vote is to give your anniversary no acknowledgment.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))