FOR QUESTION ONE ABOUT HIS BEING MARRIED WHILE WE WERE DATING AND LIVING TOGETHER (NO). AT THE BEGINNING OF THE R, I ASKED ALL KIND OF QUESTIONS INCLUDING THAT OF HIS PAST R. HE SAID YES THEY WERE D., BUT THEY HAD A D AND POSSIBLLY A S. SHE WASN'T FAITHFUL IN THEIR M. ANY WAY SHE LEFT HIM WHILE HE WAS AT WORK AND CUT ALL TIES AS HE TOLD IT. IT WASN'T UNTIL WE WERE PLANNING TO MARRY AND BY THE WAY I WAS ALREADY P THAT THE TRUTH HIT. NO THERE HAD BEEN NO CONTACT WITH THE XW OR D IN THE WHOLE TIME BEFORE 3YEARS AGO. IT TOOK 6 MONTHS TO GET HER PHONE # FROM THE XSISTER-IN-LAW. LIKE I SAID THEY HAD CONVERSATIONS WHILE I WAS AT CHURCH, WITH THE KIDS GETTING THINGS, JUST WHEN EVER I WASN'T AROUND AND THEN SHE WROTE SOME VERY COME-ON LETTERS TO HIM. AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR R I ENCOURAGED HIM TO CONTACT THE D BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE, BUT HE NEVER DID. THIS ALL CAME OUT OF THE BLUE FOR. AND I DO AGREE THAT THE D THINKS I'M THE REASON M&D AREN'T M NOW, BUT I HAD NO IDEA THE SKELETONS AND EXTRE BAGGAGE HE HAD. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE ENDED THE R WHEN THE DIRTY LITTLE SECERT CAME OUT, BUT AS NOW I LOVED HIM, I STILL LOVE HIM, I JUST DON'T LIKE THIS BETRAYAL! I HAVE BEEN VERY OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING WITH HIM DOWN TO TELLING HIM MY EVERY MOVE OF THE DAY SO AS NOT TO GIVE HIM REASON TO DISTRUST ME. I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE AND THE SANCTITY THERE OF. I BELIEVE GOD PUTS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER AND NO MAN/WOMAN HAS THE RIGHT TO END IT.
ALSO IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION ABOUT CONTACT WITH THE D IT'S A REAL SORE SPOT WITH HIM. HARD TO TALK ABOUT.

Hi Mommy,

I just wanted to make sure I understood your situation.

I'm wondering if he never really resolved his feeling for his xW, but you would think that after 10 years he should have.

It makes one wonder if she (the xW)has been saying anything to the D to have the D think that you were the cause of the end of their M. When
but then again, who knows what goes throught the minds of teenagers.

Boy, you are in a tough spot. Regardless, it still hurts big time. I can come up with many possible scenarios', but then again, you don't need my help wiht that, I'm sure you have tons of them.

Why would the xW let you have it. After all, it has been 10 years. She is the one who left. Unless, by the time he met you, she wanted him back, and he refused??? So, she blames you instead of looking at her own behavior back then.

As you know, he has not been excactly honest and upfront with you from the beginning either.

It sounds like your H is under alot of stress at the moment.

Have you read some of the links on this website? Dr. Harley has some very good books about His Needs/Her Needs. This might be a good starting point.

Even though you don't suspect an A at this time, you could still do a Plan A. Plan A is about not LB'ing your spouse, and working improving yourself. Mostly working on improving yourself.

Many couples work opposite shifts to save on daycare expenses. It is hard on a M to do this, but then again, my H and I worked the same shift for a while, and it didn't stop him. He saw my being home in the evenings as the perfect opportunity to leave the house and do what he wanted when he wanted. Practically 5-7 nights per week. Now we are on opposite shifts because that is the way it has to be for the next year.

How old is your children? Boys? girls?

It takes a while to sort it all out. You have come to the right place.

Thanks S. I'm feeling better now. What a difference a good nights sleep does after you've had a chance to vent without judgement. I'm not sure I got in the right forum with this, but I feel like after he started talking to both these OW he starting finding things to complain about in our R. I'm not saying he's the only one at fault, but in the EM department it's all him and no me. The other problem that has come out of this is no SF. He refuses to have S. That really bothers me haveing been married once before to an unfaithful spouse. Difference in this R and that was he was an alcohalic and very abusive.
in answer to you ? about have i read. I've read eveything on the website before coming here. I even went to town to try to buy the books at our local book store but didn't find them. I really want to save my M. I do love him, but feel like the xW has had some effect that has caused him to second guess this R. It doesn't help that He told me about 8months ago, after I thought this had been put to rest that the xW had told him she now wanted him back. I think he still has some Emotional attachment there, but he swears not. But why then would that come up. Maybe he is still talking to her on the phone, but so I don't know it's going on he's calling her from somewhere besides our home? All I know is I don't like being played for a fool.
Anyway, all that being said I sitll want to try and get back to a loving R. So I came here to see if I could get pointers on how to do just that. The past is just that leave it there, except for the D they had. I believe all the childern should be able to have their father.
Our D's are 8 and 6. are my pride and joy, just like the older two from first M. B and G 23 and 25. Even with all we went through in the first M, and I mean B and G and I, they turned out great. The two we have now, God willing, will too.
Again, thanks for letting me vent and being there. I'm still going to look for the books and put forth a real effort. I know I need work, just to get rid of my extra baggage.

Hi,
Please keep coming here. I'm not a seasoned veteran in this area, but it does help to vent here than with the H.

It is odd that after 10 years he would think about going back to the xW. At this point she is the OW, she is not the W, you are. They are not the same people that they were when they were M before or when they divorced. It is probably a fantasy for him to have that family that he was not part of for so long.

I would add more to your original post or start a new one so you will get other responses. I have gotten alot of good stuff from them

Thanks Sue, I will. It helped to get some other points of veiw. Like most people, I thought the only other answer was the big D until I found this website. This all makes a lot of sense to me. Now it's just getting the like of communication opened up without making H mad.
Again thanks for you point of veiw.
mommylove