ROTFLMAO!!!

Actually Cham, I think I might have been implimental in the lack of SF my hubby has these days. When we were first married he was an animal, and I wanted little to do with sex. So obviously, over the years, I slowly killed that desire out of him. Bummer...cause now I could really dig it!!

I am finding the Mars and Venus in the bedroom interesting. It explained that pretty well and gave some tips how to re-ignite those fires. I do think my expectations and hopes...past and present...have led to my hubby hiding away to a certain extent.

I remember the feeling of longing for a simple hug Cham. So does hubby. I think our son got twice as much affection as he ever hoped for during that difficult time. Hang in there...hug your babies...the rewards will be extremely great!

Hope,

I have several thoughts. One, is if he likes shopping, then perhaps saying: our anniversary is coming up. You know how I am about presents. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So I have several suggestions: you can get something of your choosing ( I would like this best of all), we can go shopping and I can give you some ideas (I like this as well), or we can go shopping and we can buy something together (not as romantic, but I would be satisfied with that). I realize that this seems like I am forcing you, but what I really want is some suggestions from you as to what you would like to do. More than anything I need to know what you think and how you feel about this.

Then shut up and not ask him another question until he responds to this. It may take minutes, it may take hours, just let him have time to process this. Leave him alone while he does. Often we ask questions and before someone can forumlate the answer we are off to another question.

The next thing I would ask him is about your dress with the boobs hanging out. Why didn't that do something for him? Was he embarressed? Too shocked to speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ? Too tired to respond? or so taken with your beauty that he was frozen in place?

I am not really kidding here, HOPE. Being a man even an older man, a woman dressed as you described would get my ATTENTION big time, especially my W. This warrents some discussion with your H.

You know the worst thing about setting up the trap for your H? It traps you and it hurts you. I don't mean you two shouldn't do something romantic that you like,but your two really do need to POJA. I think you will be much happier in the long run and I suspect he will be also.

I thought in my scanning of theposts that he didn't have the best of family situations. Well, let me tell you, family of origin, FOO, issues can be hugh. He will need to talk and discuss things with you rather than take hints to change some of these things. People are really trained with regard to how to deal with situations. When they get into situations they have never been trained or raised to expect or handle, they often freeze.

I can tell you I have some amazingly naive things when I was in my 20's simply because I had never been in the situation before. I did the honorable thing, but that wasn't what my dates at the time wanted and I was a bit too shocked to know how to handle it. I don't necessarily regret how I handled it, but looking back I still smile and shake my head.

Your H may be also in that situation. He may not be comfortable around women and even his W in certain situations. You need to talk and LISTEN to him and see if the TWO OF YOU can address these things so that you are both happy. I know he wants you happy and that is something you need to keep in mind. Whatever he does, unless you KNOW he has a reason to hurt you, you really need to view it as him trying not to hurt you but not knowing what to do.

You want this more than he does, so you need to take the lead and gently teach him how to please you, not tell him--teach him. There is a huge difference.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Hope,
I've been trying to figure out at what point this sort of thing got better with my H & me. Because there are times we're just not on the same wavelength and what you describe, I've lived through too, but it is a lot better now.

Part of it came during the separations. My H would do family things with me & the kids, but, he also suffered from depression and often he was simply "there", not happy, not unwilling, but not particularly participatory. I decided at some point that I would enjoy my time with him, because I wanted to be with him no matter how he was. So, like I said in an earlier post, a change in my attitude, enjoying, or at least accepting, my life, even when it wasn't the way I wanted it to be.

The other part is watching football. My H loves football, I never used to watch it with him, but also during the separations, he'd invite me down to a sport's bar to watch his team, the St. Louis Rams. So, I treated like a learning experience, learned the players, actually read the IDIOT'S GUIDE TO FOOTBALL, so I knew a little more of the basic rules, H will explain, but sometimes I still didn't get it. But, I got to really enjoy those games, got the jersy, the hat, gifts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Last year we got Directv Sunday Ticket, I learned to make a mean Bloody Mary, we invite friends over. This will be the 3rd year we'll be going to a game--we live nowhere near St. Louis. So, by participating in something he likes, I now get a weekend away with him, which he plans. And, we have something to talk about that isn't fraught with the past, but gets us talking and out of our ruts.

One change in my behavior, watching football, created a whole tapestry of changes that have helped bond us. Is there anything like that, different from the things you have been struggling with, that you could do with your H?

I guess I don't like the thought of you accepting your life will be unfulfilling and disappointing without a little more brainstorming. I feel low expectations, being a Giver, unconditional love all have a place in recovery, but not forever.

You may not get back when you give, but it is less likely that you will get back if you don't ever give.

hi hope,
Oh sheesh, I am SO lucky, I have a husband just like yours!! Doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Last year was our 16th anniversary. We were
a year into recovery since his affair. I had high
hopes for our anniversary, stoopid stoopid me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I got a babysitter for our kids, planned a nice dinner out somewhere and was really looking forward to the night. He got home late and tired, he had been doing his last minute gift shopping. Now this is going to sound so ungrateful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He brought me... a fishing rod. We fish a lot, I love fishing, I really needed a fishing rod... but it wasn't quite what I had envisioned. This present beats one a few years ago where he brought me a bush shirt. A mans
work shirt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Beleive me that was a shock. I am not a bush shirt kind of gal. His reasoning, well you wear mine all the time, I thought you'd like on of your own. Sheesh, it really was a nice thought and he had gone to a bit of trouble to find one just like his. I wore his because it was his, not because I particulary wanted my own.

I read somewhere, at sometime that people buy each other what they would like, ie I put a lot of thought into gifts I buy, I listen too him and mentally file good ideas. He hates to spend money and as I am a stay at home mum a gift I buy for him is paid for by him! So I try and buy him things that are thoughtful but cheap. I'll buy him some oysters, hire him a boring war movie, and a few other bits and peices, that show a lot of thought. I'd love him to do the same for me, not spend lots of money, just show some thought. He on the other hand thought I'd like a fishing rod. I did, just not for an anniversary present!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I have too admit, months later I could laugh about it! And it's very useful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I totally understand your disappointment about the anniversary. The whole point to anniversarys/birthdays etc is that it is the THOUGHT that counts. All you wanted was him to spend a little time actually thinking about just you! And it hurts so much.

Thinking of you, and hey tonight when you make him his special dinner, give silent thought to the fact that at least he didn't buy you a bush shirt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Deb.

Hey Heartsore,

How about a sleeping bag??? I got one of those for my on her birthday a few years ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She needed one for some family camping and I DID REALLY SURPRISE HER. She squeezed that package and never guessed what it was. I WAS SO PROUD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The good news is that present has become the family joke between W and I and most definitely the kids.

See Hope you don't have it as bad as you think. There are those of us even more clueless than your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nice post Heartsore, I was just laughing my head off remembering that.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Hope,

I read your thread here, and I think JL touched on some things that were definitely not touched by some of the other responses.

Here's my take: This post is all about how YOU didn't get what you wanted and expected out of your anniversary. Did your husband get what he wanted?

I read alot of frustration in your post. You have tried to "educate" him about romance, and have "apparently" failed miserably.

Many have already pointed out that his needs are clearly different than yours, and your expectations are so high that he doesn't feel like he has a chance in surviving.

Of course he was happy to let you do all the work on planning the anniversary. It wasn't something HE needed, it was something you needed.

I also have a high need for "special" gifts. My love language is actually physical affection, but the gifts thing runs a very close second. My husband used to buy totally wrong gifts, and I'd feel stuck, having to look pleased but scared it would only encourage him...

Well guess what? They know when you don't like it, and even if they don't...the resentment builds and seeps into your treatment of them...which kills their desire to even try.

I get lots of cool gifts now - and my husband does make very romantic gestures now.

How did I get him to do it? 1. being very direct and clear about what I need. I practice radical honesty rather than playing mind games by making him think of it on his own as proof of his love.
2. by window shopping alot. I am clear and direct about what I like and don't like. It's actually become a bit a recreational activity, wandering thru the mall together, poking into shops, checking stuff out, talking about things. There's no discussion: "Here's my list of approved gifts" - we just spend alot of pleasant hours together while I educate him about me.
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY.
Instead of focusing on MY needs and what I'm not getting, I focus on what I need to be doing for him.What does HE want and need, how can I make HIM feel loved?

The better I do at making him feel loved and comfortable - the more willing he is to do for me, unprompted. He shops for me - I often get surprised with little gifts - I've gotten quite a pretty collection of gemstone rings since my husband discovered how badly I wanted to be able to flash pretty rings on my fingers and be able to say "My husband bought me this!"

He does it spontaneously and frequently, because he knows I feel loved when he does it. And he does it because I work hard at being an expert at loving him. And as he feels loved, the more willing he is to do for me.

I bet all your efforts have been hitting totally in the wrong direction. Your taker is out of control, and trying to force your husband into loving you the way you want it (your expectations are bordering on selfish demands) by doing for him what you want, in an attempt to educate him on how to love you. It doesn't work that way. Do for him what HE wants.

You have to give to recieve. Try putting that much effort into something HE want in the way that he feels love. THATS the foundation that your romantic expectations have to be built upon.

Today my husband tried his best (but somethings he just couldn't control) to surprise me and take me to dinner. This is something he wuold NEVER have done in the first 10 years of our marriage.

I can't stress to you enough how much of a difference it has made to make sure that I am meeting his needs. Getting my own needs met becomes much easier than trying to force him to change the other way.

And just remember: "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

ROTFLMAO!!

Yup, that was a GREAT story. And I am grateful not to have recieved a shirt...OR A SLEEPING BAG!!! LOL!

Hubby and I were just sitting here reading through the posts discussing things...that was a great ending! Thanks for the laugh!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BR...I hear what you're saying.

A couple of things though. I agree my taker did get out of control this weekend...but a large reason for that (and for the A itself) was that I was the giver for so many years prior...and recieved very little in return. I get MUCH MORE now...so my taker is actually quite satisfied most of the time. This was a setback...for me moreso than for hubby. I acknowledge that.

In the past I tried to meet hubbies every need, and mine went unmet. I continued to sharpen my focus to make him happier with the hopes that he'd reciprocate like you said you're hubby does. He didn't. I grew very resentful. So while I hear what you're saying..it's very difficult for me to accept that if I sit back and keep hubby happy, he'll reciprocate. Never happend before...just made him comfortable. I'm hoping that's no longer the case.

This is not an everyday occurance. This was our 10th anniversary and the first one together since being apart for a year and almost divorcing. When I told hubby it was very important to me...I MEANT VERY IMPORTANT to me.

Hubby and I have done many of those things you have said. Window shopped and talked about what things I liked and didn't like. And it all went in one ear and out the other. I asked hubby about this. I told him several weeks before that I was thinking it would be nice to have a bracelet. I have very little jewelry. He doesn't even remember it. So all the education in the world does no good if the other party isn't listening and paying attention.

This day was different...I wanted it to be anyway...and I hoped to let him free to think of things on his own. My bad!

I thought of hubby and whether or not he would enjoy the evening very much. I dressed up FOR HIM. I chose the evening entertainment with him in mind (a comedy club, not an opera or a dinner theatre). I made sure everything was easy to find so he wouldn't have to struggle finding it in the city. I gave much thought to him. But yes...my taker was wanting something good in return. I never asked for anything for too many years...I tried to play down my expectations...and then I held the resentment in until it ate away at me. I don't do that anymore.

Anyway...hubby and I are talking about it and I think we'll have no problem working out something that will work better for both of us in the future. And I still say...the gift or the planning or you name it was not the problem. It was only accentuated by the fact that he didn't even pay attention to me!! I don't think that was asking too much...or much at all. Maybe camping WOULD have been a better idea...not as much to distract him!

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Hi JL,
A sleeping bag, gee how very romantic. NOT.
But the good news is... At least it was for a
birthday, an annivesary I bet your wife would have been speechless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Feel free to borrow my husbands romantic ideas, and find your wife a mans bushshirt for your next anniversary, see if your laughing then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
It took me weeks to see the humour in it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Another useful tip courtesy of my h. He brought me a dressing gown for mothers day. It was lovely and warm and the perfect colour, his most thoughtful gift ever, but...
(Oh why is there always a but) it was size extra
extra extra large. He was so excited he forgot to look at the size. I could have been very upset, but I chose to look on the brightside, I could wrap it around me twice and be doubly as warm! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Great now I'm beginning to feel really sorry for myself. snif.
Deb

Hey Heartsore,

He could have been really cunning and bought you one that was too small. THen he would have a choice of comments:

1. I thought you were small.

OR

2. Gee I didn't know you had gained that much weight. It really doesn't show.

Got any guess how he would addressed that one? 1 or 2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You ladies sometimes you just don't "get it". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JL

Hope,

I do have one serious thing to say to you. I didn't mention it before, but since your H is reading these threads it is something you really need to think about and so does he.

It has been ONLY one year. Has it occured to you that he hasn't fully recovered? It may have not even occured to him that is what is motivating his actions. Oh! he is recovered in that he is doing his best to rebuild the marriage, but deep down the pain of what happened may be triggering passive/aggressive behaviors.

Most marriages don't fully recover in a year, and since there was a years separation and it came within weeks of divorce, I suspect a lot of damage was done. I am not trying to discourage you, I am trying to point out that even Harley points out that it takes roughly 2 years to fully recover from an affair, IF both people are working on it.

I know you have made your decision and that was for the marriage. I also know that most WS's want to forget it and move on to better things (I surely would). Your H may be feeling the same as you, but that anniversary may have been a trigger for him. He may not even appreciate it fully.

Hope, I know your heart is in the right place, and actually I suspect your H's is too, BUT it does take time to fully heal and no matter how much you or he want to be fully healed and fully happy, it doesn't happen fast and rarely in a year.

Talk with H about this. I doubt that he wanted to see you unhappy. But, I wonder about the triggers and the subconscious reluctance to fully embrace the marriage again. This takes time and you are still really only starting.

I hope you and your H read this. Your H sounds like a good man and you sound like a good woman. I know you give very good advice here so clearly you have thought deeply about many things. But, you cannot rush healing and I wonder if your emphasis on this 10th anniversary was part of that as well.

Think about it and God Bless,

JL

Hi Hope,

I'm in the same place. I felt that I did all the giving, getting my own needs ignored.

Actually he thought he was meeting needs, just didn't recognize that he wasn't.

We do have the benefit of some Harley counseling and the fact that my husband did agree to follow a MB plan when he came home.

But we almost divorced too. We've been recovered a little over a year - we reconciled the night before our first court date.

It takes time. It also takes changing YOUR thoughts. Last night I came h ome from work and was exhausted (im working alot of overtime). And I was really annoyed that I was killing myself cleaning to get ready for the babysitter the next day, while my husband played video games. It REALLY ticked me off, and I was pretty resentful about it, until I got it through my OWN thick head that I was cleaning because I *chose* to, and that I chose to because it was important to me. It WASN'T important to my husband, his priorities are different, and having a nice clean house because a sitter is coming over for a couple of hours isn't one of them. It wasn't that he was being a selfish jerk - he just didn't see any reason to do anything different.

I just know that my best lesson in all of this is that change starts with MY attitude instead of my husbands behavior.

Yup, I agree and I am really really trying to change my thoughts. I've come a long way...but it was a step back in the wrong direction. I think that was far more our issue all along than was anything hubby did or didn't do. Still..I do have needs too and I won't bury them to "keep the peace" as was our rut there just before things got really bad. There's a middle ground there that will keep us both happy...and that's what we need to find.

I asked hubby about if any of this had anything to do with healing, or lack of it. For me...it's all behind me. It didn't take me long to heal once I realized my part and the reality of things. Anyway, he said that it's only a minor deep down occasional thing...but that yes, it may have played a small role. It probably wouldn't even be an issue if I didn't focus on it as much as I do (ie all the time spent on this board). But he also understands I do it to help others...not to live in the past. Anyway...I realize we do still have things to work out between us and old wounds that are still there, although not evident until something ugly brings them to the surface. We used this incident to heal and learn more. It wasn't much more than a misunderstanding and a fight...just got a lot of air time today, LOL! I'm not sorry it happend....we got lots talked about and that just helps me to feel more secure in our marriage! Hopefully hubby too!

As far as why the dress didn't go over big...I had some idea I might know the answer to that and hubby confirmed it. He said, for one thing, it wasn't his kind of deal. He prefers me in a little, nice fitting pair of khaki shorts I have and a tight fitting sleeveless shirt. Nothing fancy, I wear it for every day...but that really does it for him. Hey...I'd rather it did, cause I'm not wearing that dress every day!!! I guess gussying up was my idea and not nearly as "seductive" an idea to him. I GET IT!! He also said he might have liked it more if he would have picked it out. He would have chosen white, not red...and stuff like that. Ooooh geez, he's modeling my little plaid shorty pj's.....see, he just likes me simple :-) That's cool...that's easier to do.

I think WE'RE getting it....and actually...whhoooo whoooo, he's looking pretty good in those shorty jammies...maybe he WILL get it after all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> tee hee

Hope,

Now you and H behave. You cannot be doing that sort of thing here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You done good girl. I am glad you and H talked about this. It is important that you both have your fantasies and it also helps when you help each other with them. I think the fact that you both read this thread and talked about it and seemed to have come to some understanding about things is the greatest anniversary gift you could have given each other.

I know it wasn't what you wanted Hope but it may have been what you needed to increase your enjoyment of your marriage.

Good night,

JL

Hope,
I've been following this thread...and the others leading up to it...couldn't wait to see how it turned out.

I'm going to bring up something no one else really has.

Female Aggression!

While he was sitting there watching the TV, that was the time to start humming something seductive, do a little strip tease in the corner, slowly undress him..say something like "don't mind me, watch your program" and proceed to devour him.

In short, do you want to hear him say "you look great" or think "my God, I'm in heaven and she is the Goddess!"

I've been in the same situation..really I have..sitting there with hurt feelings, looking gorgeous..and I had enough. After all, I wanted to get laid! Why wait for him to initiate? Go for it.

I was laughing also about the gifts. Let's see, last anniversery was a set of golf clubs so I could play with him. (golf ranked right up there with darning socks...I knew some people did it, but not me) But guess what. Mr workaholic cancels work every Wed afternoon to be with me...and usually an evening or two a week at the driving range.

This anniversery? A ping pong table. Again...so he "could play with me". That reaches new meanings on Friday nights when we play strip Ping Pong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am now a firm believer that whenever a man gives a woman a gift that represents one of his hobbies...he wants to spend time with her...and I say grab it. Ten years ago I would have said he's a numbskull.

I read somewhere here...it may have been JL..that said men think of sex about every 10 seconds. I think they think we think of it every 10 years...so knock his socks off a little. If sexual fulfillment is the man's equivalent of affection...go for it. It really is easier than finding just the right card or fixing a 5 course meal. And then tell him.."you know how good this makes you feel...telling me I'm beautiful works the same for me."

T

yeah... and I'm thinking if he gets ME a sleeping bag it better be a 'double! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I love the direction this thread took... JL, Bramble you two sure keep us on the straight and narrow... wish you'd have been at my house around 4 A.M. The old "he doesn't come to bed until after 3AM" reared its ugly head... and I had been doing so well... I hadn't said ANYTHING in 3 months... of course, he had been only missing a night here or there... and last night was #4 in a row... and I was TRYING (yeah, I know) to be understanding because he pulled a hamstring and it really hurt... but man... I got sucked into feeling really sorry for myself...

We pulled through... it boils down to I don't really NEED him to come up to bed w/ me... but I would LIKE for him to acknowledge my 'stupid, hurt' feelings... just understand... instead he ALWAYS takes the defensive... mute on the subject route... eeerrggg...

anyway didn't mean to threadjack... just needed to vent a minute....

H4F... WHAT a neat thing that you and H read this thread and discussed it... new prayer for me... that H will not see MB as some 'freak' place I go to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Cali

I used to be somewhat aggressive with sex. Then I wasn't interested in it, then I was...etc... It's no wonder the guy doesn't want to hit on me, he has NO IDEA if I'll be in the mood or not. I've assured him that I've come a long way in that aspect too...but much like I was looking for proof in action...he needs it to. He got a little proof last night, LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A close friend of mine who has a wonderful marriage (and almost lost it to divorce) told me it's neverending. You never "figure it out" completely...there is no magic template. The situation changes, the individuals change...some of the annoying habits NEVER do. There will always be the fights, some of them the same ol same ol. Some you can do stuff about, some you just learn to live with. She's the friend who by support, open talks, and through her marriage as an example in action...caused me to re-think constantly about our marriage and the impending divorce. I should have sent her a Thank you card...I did acknowledge thanks via email.

Anyway...yes, thank all of you too! Good info, good stuff to think on, and good ideas to put in to action. Speaking of action....I wonder if hubbies coming home for lunch today? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> LOL!

My dear darling friend H4F ......

One year H did everything right for our anniversary. He booked us a room with a spa tub on Catalina Island and a romantic boat trip to get there .... all of the planning done by HIM !

I was impressed! I was treated like a queen!

AND .... I totally "lost it" mid-way through the weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ....... It was still early in our recovery ...... and a romantic weekend in and of itself was a darn trigger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This was too close to the things H and done with OMW durring their A ! He had booked romantic weekends together with her .... with a spa tub ... with candle lit dinners ..... I could NOT enjoy myself ... and I LB'd like a whiney baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take it easy on your H. It takes much longer than you realize to replace those awful visuals that run inside the betrayed spouses' mind.

Now last year .... Mr. Pepper did a similar weekend which was a TOTAL 100% success <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ( weekend in San Diego at the Del Coronado , Lexis sports car rental, flowers sent to the room, walks on the beach ) NO triggers .... NONE* ZIP* NADA!!!!!!

Take it easy .... you guys are still tender.

Love,
Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 08, 2002, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

It just doesn't feel like it...not to me anyway. I keep asking hubby where he's at...and his only trigger seems to be this board! He reads what I write but doesn't often talk to me about it, and sometimes he questions things I say. We actually got some of that out in our talk too...clarifying some things I'd written in previous posts to other posters. So..while it's all behind me...I'm sure you are right that he's still questioning some things.

Nothing about the weekend should have been a trigger...atleast not in the sense that I ever did anything even remotely like that with the OM. OM and I never went anywhere together. It was practically an internet and phone relationship. We used to see each other in group events...but once I stayed with hubby the first time and didn't leave like we'd planned...the group things stopped. He couldn't handle seeing us together. But then, maybe hubby felt like I was trying to mold him into someone I wished he could be or something. Goodness no...I just wanted to dress up for a change. Next time...we go camping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All I can say is, h4f and I have been emailing a bit...she knows my story pretty well. My H is pretty much like hers. I told her the extent I have gone to flat out TELL the man what I freaking need him to do. I have tried for years and years. I even bought this set of sealed envelopes...we each were supposed to do whatever the card said; a romantic night for our partner each month. Oh, he loved be attacked by me, the sexy lingerie, all the stuff. And I FLAT OUT TOLD HIM EXACTLY WHAT TO DO to make me happy. He just made it into another chore he had to do.

I am still hanging on...not happy, but, still hanging on and not having contact with OM, but it is NOT easy. Just wanted to say I TOTALLY know how hope feels!!! Boy, do I! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />