If wife is agreeable, even if it's just slightly, to marital counseling, and you feel more at ease seeing a marital counselor...than do that. But do it with the realization that the focus right now NEEDS to be individual...not trying to force recovery. That was a HUGE disaster for us. We saw a marital who wound up seeing us individually. She helped both hubby and I to accept the situation and try to move on. She was just never a big cheerleader for staying together. I understand why...hubby and I are as different as night and day and I told her repeatedly that I didn't want the marriage any more. So she did what her training led her to do...help us through the difficult job of divorcing.

Individual or marital...doesn't matter...just do something so that the two of you are getting help. Don't feel guilty...it could save your marriage, and/or atleast help you avoid unnecessary suffering.

LIR,

WOW. I am glad you got the message.

I am worried about my WW now. I think you two had an exchange a while back ago. I should re-read that.

chameleon,

Wow, sounds like it's been an eventful day!

I agree with your second message NO plan B at least not yet. It sounds like your W is in deep withdrawl and also denial. I don't really see how recovery could continue without the NC.

She already stated to you, "she wants what she cannot have, the OM!" With that statement I believe subconsiously (or conciously) she is the pursuer. I agree with others NO CONTACT otherwise she cannot move on herself. She thinks she can but she's already proven she can't becasue she still wants him. I think you're working it correctly in negotaiting the resignation. Keep trying! Money and bills - do be frank, my choice is marriage (I know there is ahppy mediim). But it sounds like you have good income and a plan for alternatives. Keep selling...

You might see if she can get to the Dr. and maybe evaluate her for A/D's. A person can put on a front of happiness and still have imbalances. When I hear of "fence sitting" I almost always fear depression. You have to ask, would she have "not cared" two years ago? If the answer NO try and get her to the doctor. A/D's are no big deal!!!

Again I agree with other posters try and get into counseling. If I were you, I would use Steve or Jennifer and you can do it BY YOURSELF until your wife may take an interest. Ninety percent of the counseling I did was with Jennifer on my own. They're very good at working like this.

Well I hope dinner is going well tonight. Keep up GOOD PLAN A and keep negotiating with her to help her understand your point of view.

Good Luck,

MITT

Thanks everyone for the support in getting through yesterday. What a rolercoaster ride that was.

When I came home she asked me if I was able to have a productive day after our talk. I fibbed a bit and said yes, not too bad. I did not lie when I told her I felt better after our talk.

Last night was great considering what I had been through most of the day. I resigned myself to the situation and actually looked foward to the evening. The food was so-so, but the conversation was great. There were few pauses, and it seemed we had to put forth little effort to find things to talk about. We ate and went for coffee and managed 2.5 hours of talking without mentioning the crappy mess we are in.

I check her email this morning for the OM's itinerary, which he sent everyone at her office so they would know when he was gone, and I could not find it. It was deleted. So I started wondering, what if she is lieing about OM being out of town and what she told me. It would make a big difference in my decision to just exist for two months. I will continue snooping. It will be very difficult for her to keep the A under wraps forever, if it is still going on.

I am comitted to work through this the next two months provided she is not seeing OM or contacting OM personally.

Some things I decided I need to work on is to stop thinking about all of this stuff all the time, and not allow the MB site to take 4 to 6 hours of my time a day. I am going to limit my MB use to 1.5 to two hours daily. I need to start doing some things for myself like workout counseling and try not to feel guilty for taking away some of the family time and money to do so.

MakingItThruThis,

I will continue to drop hints that she does not have to work, and work on decreasing some of our excesses to make this a reality. Maybe she will get fed up with work and see how easy it would be to quit and see my support for her doing so and go ahead and quit. I will not ask her to quit her job. I may encourage her or make it easy for her to make that decision, but I will not demand it.

I will try to pursuade her to seek IC or at least get meds. I will inquire her about how she is feeling and if she is depressed and see how she responds.

Dinner was so-so and talk was easy. It was not a date by any stretch of the imagination, just a somewhat uncomfortable dinner between friends. I did not expect much of the evening, so I was not disapointed. I was actually overjoyed that the conversation was good. I am a little sad thinking about what we could be and what we were. I could not help but notice other women that night.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

chamleon,

Glad to here the evening went well.

One thing that comes to mind with regard to the job, I am the same way, I would have a hard time asking her to quit. That has to be her own decision. Another way of handling it from the "back end" is to tell her that the job is interfering in the recovery process, etc.. I can only see that ANY contact is so damaging whether she realizes it or not. She is carrying feelings for someone that is her boss. We all have to try and create an impression for our bosses, so does she put in a little added effort without even knowing it? Probably, but more likely, YES!

Taking a break from MB is not a sin. We all sort of come to depend on the board over a period of time . I just got through with a long break as I find reading many of the stories will sometimes get me down because I feel the pain of others like I'm in it again and to an even further degree, it can get me paranoid about our M. You'll find "the mix," let it come naturally. There are so many good people here - wise people. But you'll see from time to time that the real veterans drop off for a while...

Counseling (or coaching as they like to refer to it) with the Harley's YES, YES and YES. Again this is a professional sounding board you can use with an unbiased opinion. So many times Jennifer would say, "NO, here's what's you do..."

As far as her "feeling depressed," that is only one of the symptoms. The feeling of not being able to make a decision. Life is worthless and thoughts of "the worst" obviously being the worst. When I read you're posts, I was more concerned that she has the feeling of "I don't care." Again, think back, was she or could she ever have been like this well prior to the A beginning?

Your feelings of sadness for "what you could be vs. what you are" will be there I'm sorry to say but again this is something that once you know there is NC and you're sure the A is not ongoing will begin to fade. Yours and your W's life's and M have been changed - forever. But there are hopefully many things you'll discover that can make it even better than it was...

Best of luck to you. Check in a time or two during the day!

MITT

MITT,

I am up to 1.5 hours so I have to make this quick.

She went through short periods of depression and "I do not know what I want to do with my Life" before the A. The first was after our first son. A mixture of many life changing things caused this including having a child and hormones.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>