I don't even know what to say or think. My 6 mo. old baby has "chronic sinus infections", my xh told me recently that he spent every night last summer with another girl, (not the girl he had an a. with), but another girl "it's water under the bridge", well why isn't my one "indescretion" in that category. It's my fault he did this and my fault he couldn't be near me when I was pregnant, until after he "worked it all out" with 2 different girls. Oh, and I deserved it because when I was pregnant and he was thinking of messing around, I didn't hold his hand constantly. Yes, I had an a., but you know what he's had so many EA during our marriage that I can't even think. I guess I'm just sick to death of having the blame for his actions. We're d., and yet it feels like I will never have a life of my own. I cut 6 " off of my hair because I had to cope somehow. Sorry, just a vent.

RAINE,

Never be sorry for a vent, we need them we deserve to let off steam!!!

I am sorry that the baby is have sinus infections, UGH!!! Have you found a good med that works yet?

I was told today in IC (First time that I have been there for a year) Didn't hear what I wanted, I wanted to have an understanding of where H is at and I got that I needed to detatch, that I was to emotionally involved with STBX, I didn't want to hear this at all. BUT...........it might be what you need to hear, you are stil reacting when he baits you, how do you get around that I am not sure. Have you been able to go to any counseling for you? Is there a women's clinic or something in your area that might have a support group for divorce women? I know that you have posted that you don't feel divorced yet! I know it is so hard and I am heading in that direction in the next few weeks and I want to put some safe guards in for me, so will be looking for a support group, am not sure about the IC, I had explained on the phone what it was I needed or was looking for, I feel STBX is not so sure.

I am sure it is very hard if you have to interact with XH on a regular basis, specially with little ones. How do you protect yourself when you know you will have to be around him?

One thing I have seen in your post, is that I don't think you have forgiven yourself for the affair that you allowed yourself to have. That forgiveness has to come from within, perhaps your pastor may be the one to help you reach for that forgiveness.

Know that you are loved and supported here, the same you have shown that love and support to so many of us here. I will be gone for a little while have to run accross the street. (moms house) but my email is notinsd2001@yahoo.com, so e mail me. I needed alot of help this past weekend getting thru some stuff and my MB friends were here for me and really kicked me in the butt, go find the post, it's kind of funny how low I allowed myself to get in my pity party.

I'll be back soon,
take care
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

Well, I actually let him wear me down over time. I felt bad for him because he cried a lot and threatened suicide. He also wouldn't spend time with the kids unless he thought we might reconcile. How did I do it before? Well, I got to the point where I emotionally detached. Yes, I go to IC and my c. said the same thing as you, that I'm letting him bait me. I forgive myself for my a. because I understand and I've cleared it up in every way possible, I even told him it was "ok" for him to be with her as long as he needed in order to make it up to him. There is a group here and I'm working into going, but it's hard because suddenly I have the death touch and no one wants to be near me, I guess no one can handle the situation. I have my mom, that's it and sometimes it's nice to have more. I told him today that I am only contacting him for the kids. No more doing things together, no more finding out things, it really doesn't matter anymore. Except that it does. I guess it just infuriates me that he still doesn't think I deserve an apology, at least not one without, but if you wouldn't have. After so long around him I feel about 2 mm high. Ok, I'm feeling a little better, you guys are great.

(((((((( RAINEFALL )))))))))

I'm glad the venting is working for you some. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! It's been one of those days. Oh, how I could use a vacation. I told my xh that I was not going to allow him to take the kids anymore until he gets some help for his drinking problem. He just sits around and drinks all night because he can't deal with life. I'm sick of it and I sure as heck don't want my kids like that. He dropped the baby off the other day and left my other son at his house alone!!!!!!!!!! Then he is mad at me because I'm furious, "it's only a few minutes" He's only four years old!!!!!! I'm so full of steam and I'm just angry because all of the friends whom I've seen through problems are nowhere in sight. I'm going to take a long long bath tonight.