I have not been on this site for some time, but I logged on tonight and found that a couple people wondered how things are going. I will bring you up to date.

I last saw my friend in person about two weeks ago when our paths crossed. We talked for about three minutes, and I did weaken and told her that I cared for her and that I didn't just say that to everyone. She said she would be insulted if I did. As I pulled away, I kicked myself for saying anything.

We used to talk on the phone nearly every day while she was on her way home, and then I would leave voice messages for her on my private voice mail box. The calls from her started to taper off, and I finally quit leaving messages. The last time we talked was five days ago. She is now out of town on vacation and I have not heard from her.

I have had my ups and downs. There are moments when I wonder why she didn;t feel toward me the way I did toward her. Then I think this is really better. We can be just friends, kind of like starting over without all the nonsense. Then there are times when I just KNOW that if we would have had a special relationship that would have had nothing to do with sex. There are times I really miss it all, and then times when I am OK. Last night I felt great, did not miss it at all. Then today I wished she would call me. In the past I would have left a voice messge for her and then checked to see if she picked it up. I have held strong and not left any message for five days.

Life at home is going very well. Spending time with wife and it is good. We are going on vacation. But part of me feels that I am missed a chance to be with a woman who was a soulmate. I realize it is totally unrealstic, but the feeling of euphoria when I talked iwth her was so powerful.

Maybe someone who has been here in this situation can tell me how I am doing. I think pretty good. This board has been good.

So you are saying that if she was willing, you would be with her as special 'friends' right? You are living a typical fantasy like my H did. His 'friend' became his lover. Problem was she was my FORMER best friend. Don't kid yourself. If you really want to work on your marriage then DO IT and quit dreaming about this OW.

tempted,

I can't offer any suggestions but feel you are doing the right thing by posting here.

D.

1. Do you understand why you still feel the way you do about OW? Please answer.

2. What you have been doing and are doing currently is probably the most disrespectful, unloving thing you could do to your wife.

Take it from someone who started out just being really good friends with someone, and thinking it would stop there. We had more and more fun together, and became better friends and then one night alcohol and opportunity led to the biggest mistake of my life.

If you describe how she makes you feel using the word "euphoria", you are absolutely at risk for having an affair, emotional first, and physical soon after.

If you don't love your wife, and aren't happy in your marriage, ask for a divorce. Once that's done, then go on and hang out with your "special friend". Otherwise, wake up!!! Give your love and attention to your wife, and stay far far away from the other woman.

Also, what about the special friend makes you feel "euphoric"? Is it the way she listens to you? Is it the way she appreciates you? Figure out what it is, and then determine if your wife is meeting this need for you or not. If not, talk about it - without mentioning the special friend. Let your wife know that you really like it when she attentively listens to you or whatever it is, and that you wish she would do this more often.

If you are hoping someone on here will give you permission to spend time with the special friend, I think you are out of luck. Too many of us have been through the hurt caused by affairs that occurred after the "euphoric" beginnings you describe.

Be careful! Think about this one! Communicate with your spouse!

Good luck,

Jen

No, I am not looking to move forward with my friend. I was just bringing people up to date. I'm not sure we are even friends. We don't talk like we used to. It's really more of a memory.

Someone asked what it was this woman did that sparked in me. For the life of me, I can't figure it out. Once I pulled out a piece of paper and on one side wrote all the good things and all the bad things. The bad was long: Not emotionally open, no time, on and on. The good side had just one: I feel good when I am with her. So it made no logical sense.

I am not looking for permission to do anything. I think it is over as it is. Just letting people who asked what is going on.

"Someone asked what it was this woman did that sparked in me".

After reading all your previous posts, it is obvious to me and most wives what it is that this woman "did" that sparked in you.

I am not trying to be sarcastic, but the answer is very clear. If you are interested in hearing what it is let me know.

Replaced

Replaced:
I would love to know what you think it is this woman did for me that led me to feel the way I did about her.
I have gone over the standard things:
It was not about her appealing to my ego or making me feel smart
It was not about appealing to my egoleOt wa
As I said before, I have had opportunities for affairs in the past but did not follow up on the hints. So I was not looking for excitment or anytthing like that.
I never ever wanted a sexual relationship with this woman. She touched my heart, stirred something in me.
If you can help identify what it was, thank you

I think some insight could be gained by answering these questions:

How old are you?

How old is this "special friend"?

How long have you been married?

Tempted,

She is a tease. That is why she is so emotionally cold. That is why you keep coming back for more.
Her actions are calculated.
This woman is your wifes worst enemy.

More food for thought: My son confided this to me about my H. H said to son, "I didnt have sex with her" (OW). Son answered "DAD, thats NOT the POINT!!!!!!!" Couldnt have said it better myself!

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Replaced ]</small>

^^^^^

Tempted,

The biggest clue as to what this woman did for you is in your screen name.

Think about this. She knows full well how you feel about her. She knows what kind of effect she has on you, you have made it very clear to her how you feel.

Even knowing this she still makes contact and you said she technically does not need to.

This triggers you into FEELING tempted because you are BEING tempted. This can be very subtle and mysterious, triggering all kinds of thoughts and fantasies. She only wants to be friends but she keeps doing things that trigger feelings in you and she knows it. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't treat a DOG the way she is treating you.

This is not the behavior of a friend. Friends do not do things to hurt each other like this. They do not tread on the sacred ground of each others marriages for any reason.

It does not matter that there was no sex. EA's are far more painful for the BS to deal with than PA's anyway, even lopsided ones.

Just because it is a secret does not make it ok or innocent. It makes it 100 times worse.

Just her paging or picking up your messages is inexcusable on her part. A woman would have to be an idiot to not realize that it leads you on and TEMPTS you.

So why does she do this? Who knows and who cares!!! I can just see that her behaviors are mysterious and seductive whether she means fo them to be or not. It is like forbidden fruit. That will flood the brain with endorphins like you have never felt before in your life.

Hope you are having a good vacation, truly I do.

Replaced

tempted:
I thought you made an interesting comment. You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel good when I am with her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rather than argue with others about what needs she may or may not have met, maybe you might find it helpful to address this question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
What did you like about yourself in that other relationship? How were you different? And, of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? How can we foster that part of you in this relationship? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is from an article by Dr. Glass on SmartMarriages.com. My husband and I found this question was helpful to us in understanding his affair and recovering.

^^^^^^

Tempted,

Here is what I think this "something-that-may-not-be-a-friend-anymore" does for you.

It is secret, it is something you can do that nobody NOBODY knows about. You see her, sneak to a private place, touch her, kiss her, share intimate conversations with. She doesn't want to attach, which makes things so very easier, because you know you don't want a full blown affair, no, you want to play, feel giggly, and she is easy. She will let you do whatever, and then be gone. She is not clingy, doesn't require attention... she is your emotional dildo. She makes you fuzzy and giggly inside for no real reason, just that you want the high and she does it for you.

For her you are a toy too. Just that she doesn't really care if she looses the compliments, you are an unsolicited toy she can take if she wants to. It is nice to have a man drooling all over for her. It is fun.

That is just my humble opinion.