I have a tough time remembering ANYTHING these days. But, I don't recall such a vivid description of your husbands abuse before. Pulling you out of the truck! Anything physical must be strongly dealt with right now. Emotional/verbal abuse is screwing his life up too. And, will continue to. He'll carry it right into the next relationship (and the next and ......) HE KNOWS SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM. <P>I will be happy to talk to him here.<P>I had "a talk" with my wife today.I suggested a counseling weekend "imago therapy" retreat. It's based on the Harville Hendrix book: Getting the Love you want." So, that got us talking.<P>She said she is NOT currently in contact with him. I will try to believe that. He lives 3000 miles away. And, thankfully , I do not believe he ever had any intention of moving (of course he asked her to move and marry him!!!)<P>I had an affair 10 years ago. It was a 2-nighter at a training workshop. I saw her in April at a sales meeting. She "came on" to me in a sympathetic admiring sort of way. It felt good to have someone "wanting" me. But, we both kept sex from happening. I told my wife I want only her. I have not phoned that woman. Do not love her. Would do anything for my wif. But, the sad fact is She admits not loving me for 14 years. I have hormones too!<P>We discusse how she could be sure that would not happen. I said, If I'm not loved I'm not sure. But, If she loved me....no way.<P>It's a mewss. Buit this was progress today.<P>

This does sound like progress.<P>Yeah, I know about my H. Just not sure what step is next. <P>Thanks for the thoughts - and prayers?<P>STAY away from that OW! If you think you got problems now......<P>You take care of you and keep looking forward. You guys can make it. You've come this far, ya know!<BR>

I honestly have no desire at all for "that OW". Nor does she for me. I alrady told her next business meeting I will not speak to her.<P>The "step thats next" with your husband is his. He'll undoubdetly deny deny deny. Has he read Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak out by Patricia Evans??? It is an absolute MUST for him. Pay him. Read it to him. Nothing you are doing can work til he faces this problem.<P>Remember, he is lashing out at the weakness and fears in HIMSELF. The sooner he realizes that; and wherein his past that comes from, the better. He's no tough guy. He's a wounded child. If there's nothing else I do or can understand on this forum, it is this subject.<P>Your next step must be to GUARANTEE that he does not hurt you physiaclly for sure. Then, next, emotionally or nothings happening.<P>I'll send up a good prayer for you on my next run. (you know, jogging)

Sorry to preach. It probably feels like my finger is tapping your chest. Just don't be in denial. No amount of prayer is going to change his denial of his fear and weakness. He needs help.........

JB,<P>Thank you for the referral - I'll pick this book up and see what happens. I agree, he proably is an angry child. You are absolutely right - deny deny deny. He denies everything! A true conflict avoider that emotionally abuses me just to make sure "we don't go there"..... It must be very painful for him to discuss anything or make any changes in his life?<P>I wonder if I bring the book home if it will be another "attack" in his eyes. We have been in counseling before, and he just denies. <P>I don't think he wants help. But I'll give the book a try.<P>I think the prayers help. It could've been worse! <P>

Don't know if any book will help, definetely check it out, but he has to want help.<P>I thought and prayed about you this weekend. Your story breaks my heart because I think you are such a beautiful soul.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL -<BR> <BR>Thank you. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for your comment.<P>You know, it's weird, but I don't fit the profile of a victim, I think. Usually your self esteem is at an all time low. I don't think I'm there - I still think I'm great, and he's not!!!! Ha.<P>Usually when he goes off like that, I feel my adrenaline kicking in, my heart going faster and faster, breathing heavier and heavier. But I don't yell back - I'll shake my head no, though - in a condenscending manner. When I try to talk to him - as in last Wed. night, (he invited the discussion - unusual), he would tell me to wipe the dirty looks off of my face. I told him I don't know how - maybe he should close his eyes. <P>I guess my facial expressions are a LB also.... The outcome of the meeting Wed. was: He would agree to enforce 3 little things with the SD - and require a drug test. His actions spoke louder than his words. His words are reasonable one night, and not the next, so I have learned that all of his words mean nothing.<P>I am going to avoid him - while I think about what to do next.<P>FHL, I'm sorry your post went into la la land! I could really use it. Please send it by email when you have time. <P>

TnT,<BR> I was hoping I would see you here today. So how are you really ? You have my email don't you ? Use it !!!! I am here if you need me, ok, <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

TNT, The book will be regarded as an attack. But, inside he knows!!! Read it yourself first. If he's aware that you participate here, tell him about me. (I will talk to him too.) <P>Although there are apparently counselors out there who are trained in this, particularly those specializing in physical abuse; I have not been helped by 4 counselors. My wife told one counselor she was afraid I would kill her. This was essentially ignored. Can you believe it?<P>And, I don't mean to dismiss prayer--not my intention at all--But, don't think god will miraculously change this attitude in him without some specific ACTION and self discovery on HIS part. Keep in touch please!!!<P>

Thanks JB.<P>Gee, I don't know if I have the guts to tell him about your willingness to talk to him. He would throw a fit if he knew I told someone. This is supposed to be a secret... (Like our kids don't know, or his family or mine.) <P>He has a lot of reinforcement from his family that he is treating me appropriately. So, he runs over there every time he questions himself. Pretty hard for him to address the real issues when you have someone patting you on the back for bad behavior! <P>He has no reason to take action - unless I leave, and maybe he thinks that if I do that he has the ability to keep our 6 year old. He has already said that I can't take him out of the state, that he's checked into it. He's told me he'll take me to court and spend every last dime to make sure I don't get the 6 year old. I believe him. My X husband and the OW did that to me - $20,000 in debt afterwards fighting in court. He knows where my soft spot is, and uses it to hurt me. He said this while waving the finger Friday night. <P>I don't want to leave, I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose my child, and I don't want to go into debt to keep him. I only want to have a decent family with love, and peace - working together towards our goals. He does too, but he doesn't know why he has to put his attitude in front of our future. <P>Jb, I'll let you know if he wanted to talk to someone, but I highly doubt it. Thank you, though.

TNT, I know you are in a difficult situation. I was mortified to think that I was "abusive". He may not realize it depending on his childhood. But, I bet he does. He's a MAN. And, BYGOD he'll talk and you darn well better listen or give me a good reason why not!!!! Hey, if you don't like the way he is you can just pack your bags. Ever heard that before?? I know you have. "This is how I am!" The things you do irritate me so i act irritated okay???"<P>Look, my obtuse point is, I've been there. He's a puss frightened to death, and he knows it. Just can't tell anyoner. Which macho male friend do you turn to to tell him you are scared of life; scared of abandonment? Actually, theyre all scared spitless too. But, you've got to keep up the front. The american he man woman haters club.<P>Do not take my ranting as pressure. I am here for you, not your husband. I only want you to connect with my grasp on this issue. You aren't nuts. Nobody deserves to be treated like you are. He's a victim too. But, it is incumbent on the offender to change.<P>What happens when you call hurtful incidents to his attention as they happen? I KNOW. Read that book quick. your cyber buddy JB

It was apparent to me today that by not agreeing with my husband, it is making him feel attacked..... gee, THAT'S AN EYE OPENER, I CAN'T WIN WITH THIS GUY!!!!<P>I better run to get the book!<P>Your Cyberfriend also!!!!<BR>TNT