Please help me understand me. 15yrs ago my H committed adultery with a co-worker. At that time we had been married 5 yrs (had a 4yo and 1yo). Took off his wedding ring - said marriage was over and off he went to a conference.

Came back 2days later & admitted there was someone else. Returned home after a total of 4 days away - said we would stay married. MC advised me not to ask questions. Husband was emotionally mean to me for a period of 6 weeks before I suggested we see a psychologist. Psycholgist said stay married - don't talk about it (2 visits only required?) During both types of counselling no suggestion of seeking reasons why it happened etc.

After 3 months of continuing to work in the same place as OW my husband left that job. His boss at that time always said to my husband it would have been good if he'd hooked up with the OW.

Fast forward 14 and a half yrs (during this time we had our ups and downs - but many many happy times). We met up again socially with that previous boss - and my husband was so rude and degrading to me in front of him. Now that previous affair consumes me everyday. My husband can't explain his most recent actions (in front of old boss) and cannot remember any details of the affair - that for some weird reason I need to know (after 15 years of not wondering). The recent meeting with the old boss and my husband's actions have made me feel that the past 15yrs have meant nothing - it's as if he said to him - see - I'm still treating her like crap - nothing has changed. Two Recent counsellors hasn't helped to date - they seem to take the view that "poor husband loves you and has been good for past 15yrs - why do you want to know things he doesn't remember?" He loves you doesn't he - he has come to counselling with you?. In my opinion - I feel this way because nothing was ever talked about and worked through at the time (on advise from previous counsellors). My husband, for the first time ever, has finally some understanding of the hurt and absolute pain he caused (because I kept it hidden as advised - don't rock the boat - he may leave you)cannot understand why I feel like I do. Our kids (now almost 20 & 16) have no idea and would be totally shocked - as would everyone we know.
I want to know details of the A - why, how, for how long - am I being unreasonable? I'm beating myself up - almost tempted to contact OW for details. What should I do?

You need to let it go. Finding out the details will not help you at all. Finding out Why he had the A is a different matter. Finding out why he was so rude to you is a different matter.

Read all the materails on this site. Print out the Emtional Needs ?'s, you & your H both fill them out.

As you haven't like the counselor you have talked with called the Harely's. Also maybe you need an IC, to help you deal with the hidden anger.

Think of the good times of the last yrs. Tearing apart teenagers lives is not a good thing, I know.

Good luck, come back here & vent all you want. You might also so try this post over on recovery.

Donna Lee,

I'm sorry to say, I've got you beat. Check out "my somewhat unusual story" in the "In Recovery" forum.

DonnaLee,

I absolutely understand what it is like to be dealing with an affair that happened many years ago. For me it was almost 20 years ago and I received similar advice from a MC: "let it go" and then the counseling went on to deal with "my" problems. For the most part, the journey from there to understand and deal with the A, was a pretty lonely one for me. It seems like it has been that way for you too...hugs.

When sad memories came up for me over the years, as they did frequently at first and then less often, I would sometimes tell my H how I was feeling. Although he hated me bringing it up and often reacted with anger, he always eventually reassured me that the A was over and that there was no more contact with the OW and that he loved me and would never betray me again. My H always viewed these discussions as a punishment from me to him and I sometimes wondered that myself.

Like you, we had our ups and downs, but also much warmth, SF, and many happy times. The past 10 years have been great and we were proud that we had recovered and that our M was strong. Then came D-Day *2 when I discovered that I didn't know everything about how the A really ended (PA went on a few months more and EA many years in the form of correspondence until very recently.) Of course this information, that he planned on taking to his grave, wasn't divulged by him--it was discovered by me.

And so there is renewed hurt and mistrust and again, I seem to be the one who is trying to lead us out of the storm. Not as bad as 20 years ago, but I'm having the same problems as many here with anger, anxiety, sleepless nights, and everything else that goes along with being a BS...including an incredible need to retell the story and vent and obsess.

Talk about obsess. I wasn't even going to go into all of this in so much detail, but here I am doing it again. What I was going to say was that if dealing with the A is not over for you, then dealing with the A is not over for either of you.

Needless to say, my H and I are dealing with the whole thing again and I feel that we are finally on the right track and have made some slow progress. Neither of us wants anything in our futures but to be married to each other. We both want to make those final years be the best that we can. We are navigating a very hard obstacle course to do it, but are discovering so much about ourselves, our bad habit LB's, that we could both do more to meet each other's EN's, but we are having some of the first discussions EVER about the A and our relationship that haven't quickly disintegrated into LB's and then withdrawal for one or both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm with Sing on some of the things you could try, but I think that your need to face the old A with your H is not unreasonable. Even though we don't practice what I preach (no MC yet for us this time), I think that MC with the Harley's would be worth a try for you. There are so many testimonials to them on this site.

Hugs....

If you read the book 'Torn Asunder' or the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com you will understand why you need to know this information. You did NOT properly work thru the affair and so it's rearing its ugly head now, years later. It is very important that you and your H work thru this. I can't believe any counselor would advise you otherwise. It's just burying a hurt that will come back later.

If your H is willing, I suggest going back to counseling. It certainly can't hurt. Too many times we sweep things under the rug and that doesn't help at all.

good luck

Yes, I'm still dealing with a ONS from 16 years ago that my WH FINALLY admitted to 3 years ago, even though I KNEW he had cheated because he brought home an STD to me (not a permanent one, thank God!).

While I've processed the actual affair, what I'm dealing with now is his refusal to be totally honest with me, as I suspect other affairs, including what I believe was an EA from 4 years ago.

I also think he had several other affairs, including an EA from 4 years ago, although I'm starting to think that may have been one-sided on his part.