I still have lots of questions left under Bad Morning Post (Aug. 7) but will try to shorten it. I have been friendly (a good plan A) to my WH for two weeks (and on and off for four months). When we exchange the kids, I feel like we are connecting-again. Tonight, he stayed and we had a beer and it just felt so good. However, despite our talking a bit longer the last few weeks, he hasn't called or done anything "extra" to indicate he feels he has made a mistake or is still interested. He is still taking his stuff out of the house slowly, etc. I wonder if I am so deseperate to look for positive signs that I am reading way too much into our positive interactions. Could it be that he is just so relieved that I am being friendly and cooperative-that he is responding? In the beginning, he said he wanted to be friends. Ug. He is getting what he wants. Do you think he is so detached and emotionally stages beyond me (he said he was thinking about leaving for a long time), that our talking is just that? Friends with kids to raise?
-CS

can't sleep,

I wish I could honestly give you a different answer, but I do see his actions as detached and just an effort to be civil and friendly. That doesn't mean that one day in a few months he won't wake up out of the fog and realize he made a HUGE mistake and change...but for now, there doesn't seem to be any clear sign that he wants anything other than friendship.

Remember that Plan A is about you. Keep working on being happy individually and show him someone who wants him, but isn't desperate for him. At this stage that will only drive him further away and make it impossible for you to move on should he decide to go through with the D.

Take care....hugs

what starfish said!

My H spend all of last summer, the fall and into early winter ANGRY... I had no reason the expect that he would do such a turn around... even my friends have commented on how DIFFERENT he is...

...so I know that it is difficult... but don't MAGNIFY his every little word and action (I did it too... so don't beat yourself up about it either)... but FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS on yourself...

(and pray... give IT and YOURSELF totally over to God's Will)

hugs and prayers,
Cali

To piggy back on what Cali said, the WS in my life tried to appear happy also. In fact when I started to be happy he was somewhat relieved. Then I got even happier to the point that I woke him up at 7:15 am on a Saturday morning (he got in from work at 4:30am). I had called his room (he lived in a rented bedroom), just to tell him that I was finally ready and now he could go ahead and get the D. Hm........ I was just too happy then but hey, I was ready for the D. Mentally ready.

All that happiness started the WS and OW to wonder........ then they started to LB....... then they wondered and all the while I was getting happier and happier. LOL!!!

Then he asked to move home 1 month later. My point is that they try hard to appear happy but really they are not. So show your happiness (when you are emotionally ready to do so). It might scare the pants off of them.

LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Starfish, Cali and Orchid,
Thanks for your replies. I am trying to focus on myself and definitely developing a better relationship with God. I so much want my WH to join me again but I sense that he is past that point - but then I guess Cali and Orchid thought so too. Everyone has commented how he just seems at peace with the situation and himself. I hate it. I need to mentally prepare for the future better than I am.
Cheers,
Can't Sleep

CS-

Remember "Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff" Try and focus on the bigger picture, the restoration of the M. I know its hard, your looking for WH to have this big mind-opening realization of what he has done and it just isnt happening. If WH wont make the effort, then you are going to have to do it all by yourself. What you are doing seems to be having a very positive effect on your relationship. You and WH are getting along, talking and sharing some good times together. Keep that momentum going, you really don't know what is going on in WH's head so you cant make too many assumptions if he has given up on the M, is happy being 'just friends" or how the relationship between him and OW is going.

Sratfish, Cali and Orchid are right, stay focused on yourself, keep that Plan A going strong and don't worry about WH. You know he is wondering about you, maybe even thinking the same things you are, just too afraid to talk about it.

LHS-
So good to hear from you. Goodness, I just read your update post-you are so solid and sane-your wife is VERY lucky to have you.
Big picture-you're right. Now here's the small picture-I saw him today for a minute and I just wasn't very upbeat. He was wearing clothes that I hadn't bought him (he doesn't shop) and was in a hurry for "something." The A just doesn't seem to be slowing down and the OW's situation won't ever deter it (single,etc). He said he was coming over tomorrow to do some house project. He fits that in when OW works. He gets the best of both worlds when I am friendly. I guess that's OK for now? I'm trying not to be discouraged and focus on me-really. I just want something to happen-anything-but he hasn't started ANY relationship talks since May.
Glad you're back,
-CS

Yes, keep looking at the big picture, keep reminding yourself what YOUR ultimate goal is. Try not and worry too much about what the status of the A is because you just don't know what is going on between them. I am guilty of making assumptions that I found out later on were completely wrong.

The next time WH comes over, why not go out and leave him at the house for a few hours with the kids? Maybe go shopping for yourself or so. Let him have some time alone at the house to remember how things used to be. Also, don't let him dictate when he will come over, its your life as well and he should be coming over on your schedule, not his. I'm not saying you should do this all the time or to manipulate the situation, but you know when she is available for him and when she isn't, so why not work this to your advantage a little bit.

I know how hard it is to sit and wait for something to happen, its tough, but God is using this experience to develop your patience and perseverance, just like he did for me. Someone once told me something to the effect of: if you want the dynamics of your relationship to change, then you are going to have to be the one who has to make the changes within yourself that will have a direct effect on that relationship. Look back to when you first posted, remember how miserable you were, how resigned to the fact that the M was over and how you couldn't even have a 5 minute conversation with WH without LB-ing all over the place. Now fast forward to today, see the change in your relationship with WH? Sure, its not where you want it to be, but it is a lot better than it was, a heckuva lot better. And know why? Because you made the changes within yourself (Plan A) to create the positive (however small they may appear to you) changes in the relationship between you and WH.

Stay strong CS, your doing fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi. Nothing new. WH came over to see the kids for awhile yesterday. I left. He thanked me for letting him see the kids (he came over under the guise of doing a houseproject). He didn't do the project. He said he was missing the kids. He asked if I had new jeans on..I said no, they are really, really old ones. He said "congrats". He is noticing my weight change but does it make any difference? I feel better so I will keep going until I get to a decent weight but I just want a sign..any sign..that it's not over. A phone call for no reason.
But, yes, I am doing SO much better than four months ago. No LB's, etc. I am trying.
-CS

Dear can't sleep,
Just wondering how you were doing. It's great that your H noticed your weight loss- he definitely is paying attntion to you.
My H has the children tonight and I'm going to a kindergarten parents orientation- at least it will be a distraction.
I really think it is reasonable to continue hoing and stay on the path you are on. My H is still treating me like a passing stranger.........

PB511-
Thanks for checking. I'm doing OK. I see WH everyday this week-a couple of times a day-due to children stuff. It's all going fine..fine..fine. That's the problem-no indication of anything more. But I am trying to be patient. I really have no other alternative -part of me is scared that he is going to try to change the custody agreement because he is so willing to do anything with the kids this week. None of the "I'll check my schedule" talk of weeks past. Changing the cusotdy agreement would reduce his child support, which we are negotiating now. He hasn't returned the paperwork to me or mentioned it since we talked about it 1 1/2 weeks ago. Who knows?
I am trying to get plans going for this weekend because last time I didn't have the kids I didn't make enough plans...I was so miserable.
How was kinderga. orientation? I had one start k in July.
Have a good night,
CS

CS- Patience, patience and more patience. Remember that its God who decides when things will or wont happen, not us. Sounds like overall you had a pretty good week, lots of contact with WH and more importantly, NO LB'S!. Let the events of the last week give you the strength and courage to continue on.

So WH is missing the kids, quite a change from a few weeks ago when he never called, even just to tell them good-night. I like the fact that he said he was coming over to do a house project and never did. To me, it means he is making a conscious effort to come over and see you and the kids but is just to unsure of his feelings to come out and admit it. He also commented on your physical appearance, it means he is noticing some changes in you, changes that you made for yourself, not for WH. Your looking for a sign that the M isn't over and there is still hope, to me, these are the signs you are looking for, little things that on their own don't mean much, but add them all together and…..

Hang in there CS, things are a-changing. Maybe there is serious trouble in never-never land with OM, or maybe the changes you are making in you are starting to make WH wake-up and realize what he is losing. Either way, you are in control, your leading the dance and WH is following your lead. Just keep doing what you are doing, it is affecting the dynamics of your relationship with WH. I would recommend not bringing up the changes in the visitation unless WH pushes the issue. Keep your boundaries firm with WH and let him know you still love him and are still committed to him and the M. Don't get clingy or start pushing any relationship talks, just let things develop on their own pace.

LHS-
Keep reminding me. Patience, Patience, and Patience.
WH was in a terrible mood tonight, said he had a bad day, and left when I got home. This is purely a guess..but do you think OW is mad he is watching the kids T, W, TH, F, S, AND Sunday night? He happily agreed to help on the extra days this week. I only hope that OW doesn't show up at his house on the weekend or he try to see her or something. It would really throw the kids. I don't think they know about her.
I made plans for the weekend, so I am set. I need to refocus on me now as I've not done anything that I need to do this week. Exercise, etc.
How are things in your world?
Take care,
CS

Dear cs,
The parallels continue- the custody thing is settling down with my H, too. After the initial demands, he seems more relaxed with the children and seems to look forward to their visits. We do not have a formal agreement and have not worked out any of the financial stuff.
I met with a lawyer today and he told me to do nothing until my H stops direct deposit of his paycheck into our mutual account. The lawyer said that this will continue until he feels less guilty for all he's done. Hope he's gulty for a while! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
We spoke on the phone for the longest time today- about 20 min. regarding some health problems of our 8 yo son (minor surgery). I'm trying to look at these tiny non-LB contacts as teeny steps in the right direction, altho' it's hard to be hopeful.
The kinderg. thing went ok- more mixed emotions. It was good to see some parents i knew previously, but hard to be a "single". Thanks for asking. Hope your day went well.

Hey CS, I just wanted to chime in here and comment how strong you are sounding, keep it up. I keep trying to remember "Worry is a waste of your imagination"!!

GC and PB:
Thanks. Yes, I am hanging in there. Overall, I'm good. I just wish something good would happen. Wh is still doing direct dep. in our account too. I don't know how long the guilt will last either, which is why I am working on the financial stuff. I don't think he'd stop without notice but I didn't think he'd have an A.
PB-glad you are able to talk to WH abit now. It's a start, right?
GC-Wow, what a ride you've been on. I'll be curious to see what your WH wants to talk about. He did come to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Bye,
CS

CS-
The end to the guilt may have arrived. Our bank account did not reflect a deposit from WHs employer as of 2 pm.
Interesting that he hasn't said anything to me yet..............If this holds it took 6 weeks to get here(FYI).
Having said that, WH seemed friendlier when he picked up the kids tonight. I'm trying not to read into this but beep this little glimmer shining. Take care,PB