Am sitting here totaly dazed and not sure if I should be laughing or thanking God.

Quick background............
Girls are with STBX in UT
I asked STBX if he would paint the girls rooms when he brings them back, said yes.
Got e mail from STBX saying that he really wanted to paint the girls rooms for them, but didn't have money for hotel any suggestions?
Talked with IC on Wed, she said not to let STBX stay and that he shouldn't even paint the girls rooms, that I was allowing myself to stay emotionally attached.
I did not agree with this as I had already let girls know that their rooms would be painted by STBX and I wasn't going back on that, didn't want to be the bad guy.
So tonight, talked with the girls, said dad needed to talk to me, I called him back.
Says that he can't paint the girls room as he doesn't have any money to stay in hotel, I said that I was going to let him camp out in the basement with the girls, says no I don't have the money.
Talked awhile longer, he wants to bring the girls back early I said no they are scheduled to be with you til the 15th.

I guess I really don't have to worry about what the IC will say at the next session, now will I. I just don't get what is going on with him. I know that he is hurting for money, as he had to rent another apartment for the OW and her sister, why aren't they paying for that anyways? Has said that he wanted to paint the rooms for the girls and within 24 hrs I get this..............mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm is some one pressuring him, you think?

I started with the IC so that I might be able to see where he is at with this stuff, but didn't get there.

Any insight from anyone out there?

If it wasn't so sad that the girls are the ones losing out on this, his actions would almost be funny. But my girls are the ones that are not getting there rooms painted, I just thought that it would be a nice thing if they had rooms that had been painted by their dad. (besides I hate painting)

Thanks for any insight,
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

So this is where the A choices take your H. Now he has to decide how to spend his money, on the OW or his children.

Paint the room with your girls. Make a family project out of it and let him keep the guilt of not being there. He may try to convince himself he can't do it because of the money when in reality it is because the OW is LBing. Great!!!

Right now you and your girls don't have to be a part of that. He can live with the guilt and it may do more than you can imagine.

The girls may appreciate the room more if they participate in the painting. A good lesson in life and more guilt on the Ws.

L.

Orchid somewhat of my thoughts too!!

I know that he has lots of stress from the situation that he has found himself in. And some things will come to blow Mon or Tues.

I just can't believe that he swcrewed up their first lengthy visit this badly. He had planned to take them to an amusement park and had to go back on that cause of no money. I guess they will see their father for what he has become, I just didn't want them to be disappointed and hurt by their fathers action, I guess I wanted them to keep that feeling of "my daddys king of the world" and that I have no control over. I can help them deal with that disappointment and try to help them see the good things about their daddy, (which hasn't been much lately)

I wish I just shut my mouth last night instead of LBing and trying to convince him how wrong he was. I need to let her do all of the LBing!!

Really do expect to see the papers in the mail today, I still have to sign before the judges, so I guess I am feeling some pressure from time!!!

Thanks for the insights, I appreciate them!! things really have been taken care of for me in all of this.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daybreak,
Is he paying you child support?

Paint is what, $8/gal at Walmart? If they had the same color, 3 gals would likely do it. Sigh.

I hope he feels the OW like a dead weight around his neck, pulling him down into debt. Guys love that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Sister, too, huh? How cozy, I thought she was getting away from her oppressive family? Didn't you say there's like 9 siblings? It sure would be lovely if a few more showed up for him to support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Maybe Mom too?

I'm so sorry for your daughters. At their age, respect is hard enough to earn, much harder when a parent has damaged or lost their respect by treating them shabbily.

Now his actions are having their consequences. It's just so rough that it is with your girls, rather than all on him & the OW.

Take care.

Lor,
Things will catch up with the man.

I am going to go get the apint in a little bit, have to move everything into the center of the rooms first have till Mon only have to walls in each room, they picked out some bright colors though!!!!

Are you working today?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

I'm sorry for your ds, but if anything will make him think twice about what he is doing, it will definitly be the kids. A painting project will be fun, I remember doing those with my mom when dad was gone with the boys camping.

The crunch of having to support her and her sister should kick in soon. I'd bet that they are fighting about it now. Like I said my bro. rented one of those apt right off base and for 1 bedroom they were like 800/mo. I don't think it'll take long for his "idiot mode" to kick in.

I can tell you what your IC will say because mine said this "It gives him what he wants to get out of you when you let his actions bait you. If you are d. or getting a d. than let the only thing you talk about be the kids". It's hard to just let it go, escpecially when the kids are involved, but next time just remember that your kids are seeing his actions, but they are also seeing your reaction. (I feel like I'm giving you a chew out, but I'm not).

What I think might (Might) help is sitting down the girls and saying "your dad is doing some things that are hurtful to everyone right now and I can not change that. What I can do is my best to help you and I see through this." I agree with my IC, it's important for us not to make their dad out to be bad, like she said, they do that themselves.

When my exh. wouldn't let my son go with him I would say "Daddy said no and it's up to him, but how about if we do something fun" A lot of the time he would still be upset about it, but then he would say "why did dad say no" I would then tell him to ask his dad. It's all about putting it on their shoulders. If your girls ask why he won't come paint it say, "I don't think he has money, but you'll have to ask him." let them ask him all the questions, it takes the pressure off of you trying to defend him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Raine,

You are so very right. As much as I would like to point out the dad's stupid behavior, it's sticking out there all by itself.

Kind of sad to watch him be controlled by someone else!!!

I am going to try and get the room painted this weekend. Told my son that we would get everything moved to the center of the rooms tonight and get things tapped off, order Pizza and beer. So let him be the good guy in the house. His sisters will love it that he helped. He has done so much for them already, by just being a male figure for them. I do tell him that he is doing good too!!

So I guesss my weekend is planned. The thing is I paint crafts somewhat for a living and those are only 2 oz bottles of paint and I am a mess, can you see me with a whole gallon?? I'll take pictures if it gets to be too much.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn - good luck I have got to tell you since my husband moved out and we have filed for divorce and it is just a constant struggle with most things - I have taken to painting..... I sponge painted my bathroom, painted my kids tv room - still needs a second coat though - and I painted my bedroom - I have got to tell you these are the rooms my husband didn't want painted so I felt very independent and very proud of my accomplishments - I am not the world greatest painter and I am not the worst either.. I wish you luck in your painting... My girls rooms are also bright - one is yellow and the other purple and pink and you know what they love it... good luck....

Thanks maw!!!

It's not that I couldn't paint them myself. The thing was that he said that he would do it, spend a few more extra days here with girls and they would have something in our house that their dad did for them!!!

The aggreviating thing is that he is allowing OW to say that he can't spend any time with his kids on their own turf. It's been hard for them to go somewhere where they don't know anyone or know the area. And he is allowing her to do that to his kids. Does he see it? NO!!!! Will he listen when someone tells him? NO!!!!

The rooms will be painted that isn't the issue really!!!

Thanks for the support!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Dawn,

I can imagine your frustration. I'm sorry I didn't know your girls or I'd offer to pick them up and take them to Lagoon(it's an amusement park here). You could always call and tell him that you are sending someone to pick up the girls and take them to do something since he won't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Maybe then he would do something??

I think you should make a mess painting--imagine the fun!!

RAINE,

It's not that he doesn't want to do anything with them, (actually planned on taking them to that park) he simply doesn't have the money. My girls are not high maintance, they are happy just being with dad, I gave each of the money before I left.

It's so ironic, 22 years ago this same month, he had to go back to NYC to see her to make sure and she had already moved to FL, he didn't have the money to get himself back here, he would have been awol and his career would have been over, 2 stripes that's it, he called me and I wired him the money, and my dad kicked me out of the house for being so stupid, was the only time I ever got drunk. And today once again because of her he doesn't have the money to get back here and he now has 7 stripes and lots more money that comes with them. Again I will give him the money if he asks for it, don't know that I can offer it though.

Again things have been taken care of for me, prayer does work, in mysterious ways.

One room done, will do the other later tonight!!

Thanks for offering though RAINE, the fair is in town next week so they will get to do that, we lived 20 minutes from Busch Gardens for 2 years so they got alot of amusement park time!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

So how is the painting going? I would love to paint but I am renting, so .........

My STBX writes how he hates living so far from kids but it was his choice to live on the other side of town, & yet when he has the boys for over 2 or 3 days he brings them back early most of the time. Of course sometimes it is the boys demanding to come home...

It is all so sad....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So what type of crafts do you paint? I use to be a #1 supporter of my local craft people, but now .......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When we were going overseas I got rid of so much of my stuff, I miss my seasonal yard art most of all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it is neat that your son was helping you paint, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let's see I paint mostly personalized sign boards and things.........."Home is where the AF sends us" then it lists all the bases you've been stationed at.................."We love our grandparents" Or "Nana and Bob" whatever the case and then list all the grandkids and their birthdates. I have about 5 or 6 original items of that nature and then I do Cutesie little sign boards with inspirational sayings or bible verses. I keep those at $3 or less and sell lots.

My son is pretty sore as he and grandpa spilt wood yesterday and the maul weights 16 lbs. I have everything off the walls, and moved to the center of the rooms, will paint tomorrow after doing a demo at Wallyworld, at least I have samples to pass out this time!!!

Haven't hearrd anymore from STBX!! Watch him decide that he wants to paint now!!! Oh well. Am not sure when they are going to return.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn,

I stopped in to see how you are doing and you are already painting!!! See you just can't keep a good woman down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree with Rainfall, while you don't want your children to think less of their dad, his actions are doing that and there is nothing you can do about it. So don't even try to cover over his errors. That would be worse on your children.

They need to know you are doing the best you can for them and that you are honest with them. The fact that their dad allowed himself into a situation where he is not able to keep his word to them in favor of the OW is his problem not yours.

This is deja vu for me. These words are what I heard last year.

You need to step back and let him fall on his face on his own. It will not break your children as long as they know you are still standing.

So go finish painting the other room. Let the children work with you. May you all bask in the spirit of accomplishment. Your children may cherish the time spent with you on this project as much as going to an amusement park? U think?!?!?!? LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

Hi Dawn,

When you finish the rooms, what about painting some little message, flower, design, whatever, down in one corner of the room and sign it "Love Mom, August 10, 2002." A gift of love from their mom.

Too bad I'm not there. I actually do like to paint.

Estes

Hi Dawn,
Just checking in to see how the painting is coming along. I love Estes idea about putting a message in the corner! Are you holding up OK? My kids are spent the night w/ WH and OW. Had a bad night last night, but feeling better today. Moving some furniture around and cleaning house. What fun!! LOL! Have fun painting Dawn. Hope it comes out just the way you want it!
Hugs.
BH