Well - as you can see by the time punch on this thread, I'm not sleeping right now... not a good thing.

I read something on another MB board last night before I went to bed that triggered some long lost memories. Some that I had suppressed because of the horrific nature of them. I guess I can tell I've been watching too much television while eating a homemade taco salad

I saw a flash of "It's a Miracle" on PAX where a cow was being rescued by a helecopter - I've seen cows dangling from ropes and chains during different rescue operations on the farm, and just seeing the preview flash, knew I didn't want to watch the sequence - so I flipped the channels. Ended up watching a segment of a crime show. Didn't like that either. Flipped channels again - by this time, "Touched By an Angel" is on PAX - an episode I had seen before where a rapist is released from prison and since he has "come to Jesus" decides to violate parole orders and try to make direct contact and make his victim forgive him. Switch the television off without watching the show again.

I read a little here and went to bed. Next thing I know I'm in the middle of a nightmare where I dream I'm my mother - my father is more unhinged than I remember and my mother is preparing to leave him - my own son witnesses this horrific scene in my dream - where dad - now my husband tries to intimidate me into not leaving him by threatening me with a knife. I stab him in defense and he laughs this maniacal laugh and grabs a cleaver and hacks off the head of one of the milk cows in front of me. With the knife sticking out of his chest the whole time.

I woke up in a sweat - 1:30 a.m. It's now been 1 1/2 hours and I can't get the images out of my head. My dad never killed an animal in real life - but he was brutal to them - stabbing them with pitchforks, beating them with ropes and chains or his feet and fists - he busted his foot once kicking a cow.

I can remember begging my mother to leave my father. Now I remember the emotional magnitude of the trauma - buried for 30+ years now. And I can't go back to sleep.

Seeing my son's face in the dream - understanding the emotional and physical danger he was in just horrifies me as a mother and his protector. My mother had a pattern - Dad would beat her up or shove her around while spewing vile profane things at her. She'd grab a few things and leave. Dad would drink himself into a stupor. Meanwhile I would scurry around the house cleaning it up, fearing that his violence would turn on me next.

How could she keep coming back after she'd leave after a violent episode? How could she leave the home while her children were still there? After this nightmare, the pain I felt and pushed away from me is all of a sudden very real to me.

I see women here, who are being shoved around, verbally abused, and worse, in front of their children. How can you do this to your children? Do you not understand how helpless they feel?

What part of "Protection" do you not understand - that you must have PROTECTION before you can do a Plan A? How I wish my mother had done an immediate PLAN B the first time she left the home (only taking her children with her). She deserved to be safe. And her children deserved to be safe.

Anyway - the pain is not something I want to suppress again. I need to journal it - deal with it somehow, and find a way to let it go so I can truly heal this time.

I could really use some TLC - it's Kasey's birthday btw - I wanted to be in a different place with myself and here I am on the verge of another crash.

I could also use some prayers!!