Chameleon and kevco- thank you so much for your responses. It is good to know that I'm not crazy, because sometimes I feel that I must be!
The reason I decided to give up the A is because I began to realize that it was changing, for one thing. I felt more and more feelings and he seemed to be holding me at a distance. I decided why should I continue to do this when it hurts? Also, I began coming to the realization of how hurtful this A was, to my H, family, etc. If my friends found out, they would be shocked and disgusted. And for what? Just because he made me feel special and loved and desirable??? My H can do that too, if I'd let him.
I've come to the conclusion that the reason I strayed is because I let the M get boring. It seems now that all we do is talking about the kids, yell at the kids, take the kids to sporting practice, and somewhere in there, the "us" has been lost. So we are starting to go out alone together more and I'm hoping to renew all those feelings that I once had for my H. Everything the OM did for me, I'm sure my H can do too, if I let him.
I'm trying so hard, but these dreams are killing me. They aren't sexual or anything, just very realistic and I wake at first happy that we've gotten back together, then depressed when I realize it is a dream and not what I'm striving for at all.
The scariest part of all is that school starts in about two weeks and I will have to see him everyday. I'm trying to build up my M and feelings so that just seeing him won't tear down my resolve. It is going to be so hard, but I'm determined...
Thank you so much for your advice, insight, and support. Chameleon, I've been keeping up with your posts and am so sorry for your troubles right now. Obviously I'm in no position to lend advice, but I feel for you.