I don't know how to effectively deal with this situation anymore. Every night, as I get her ready for bed, she asks me why Papa is working so late, why Papa isn't home...I don't know how she would deal with knowing that Papa really doesn't live at home anymore.

Last night, she woke up suddenly close to 1:00 a.mm. with anguished cried wondering why Papa wasn't in bed with "Mommy and me." She screamed and cried for one hour.

I never lose my temper with my D. I show her alot of affection which is how I tried to calm her but instead she became more defiant and began to misbehave. I became firmer but it didn't seem to help. I tried to distract her with the events of the upcoming weekend. It was okay for a minute but she would then start crying for her father to be in bed with us.

No one really knows what we deal with on the homefront with innocent children.

I'm worried about her well being. I'm at odds as to how to approach this. My H's response in the past has always been that D will learn to deal with it.

Sure...at what cost?

They actually make children's books to deal with this exact subject! I'm sorry, but I don't remember the names of them. Check out your local library.

When My H has been gone for extended time (in the military), my D was the same way. (but in our case, he came home...)

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, and wish you the best of luck!

Sorry, I know this didn't help any...

-mc needs your help

I feel your pain....I was there too. Mine was a bit different though. I had 2 children from a previous relationship and married "Mr. Wonderful" (or so I thought). When we had a child in Feb. 02 he decided parenting and husband was too much to handle so he was gone 1 week before his sons first Christmas. My youngest daughter (whom he met when she was 1) wanted to spend Christmas with him instead of her own dad. It was really hard for me.

Things are a bit better now between me and the H. He never admitted to an affair, but he did have "a friend" that took that friendship the "wrong way". She ended up trying her damndest to keep him from coming back home but....well, he's home, has been since March but it was rocky up until....I would say June sometime.

Be honest with your baby. She is young but will understand that grown ups have problems too. Details aren't important but honesty is....especially if she is missing him that much. Hang in there. Things are still very fresh right now for you, her and him and anger is definitely something my WS experienced. Be strong.

my ys is almost 4.. but was barely 3 when dad left.. he knew when he leftg and he knows now he is gone... he visits dad sometimes at daddys house... boy do I hat e those words... anyway... it is better to tell the truth.. your D prob. knows you are not being completely straight forward with her... . tell her the truth. HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

You've just got to tell your daughter the truth T. I know it hurts... but isn't what you're going through more painful?? For BOTH of you??

I think your dd is going through some of the trauma of 'not knowing'. From personal experience, I can assure you that not knowing the answer is far worse than having an answer to deal with.

You may have to give your dd more credit than you are right now. She may have only just turned 3 yrs old, but she knows a LOT already. How you word things is up to you of course, but having a 3 yr old myself, I could tell him "Mommy and daddy aren't very nice to each other right now, and daddy has a new place. You can ask him to go there and see it if you want to."

When my H and I were going to separate in April 2000, I had talked to Andrew about it. I told him that daddy was going to get a new place, and then I would focus on them spending time there, and how much fun it would be to sleep in a new house every now and then. The excitement of 'something new' seemed to take away from the confusion of the fact that daddy wasn't going to live there anymore.

Basically, I think what your dd needs the most, is some reassurement that even though you and daddy don't live in the same house, you are BOTH still there for her.

How about arranging that she stay with your H for an overnight soon?

Karen

Terri,

I am so sorry but you have got to tell her. I know you are in PLan B but you may need to tell her together if you think your H will not be a total jerk.

When my STBX & I were didn't live together 3 yrs ago, YS then 7 didn't know at 1st but H (without me knowing) took spns over to see his apt that was very close to our house. YS spent a few nights there but like you were doing I let H come in & out of our house. He moved back in 6 mths but it didn't work.... too long to go into...

However, your D needs to know. MOm's house/Dad's house is good. Any good children's librarian will be able to help you with a list or a very good bkstore where there are people who know bks will know.

good luck & I feel yours & your D's pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear T,

To read your post almost made me cry. Yes, my child asked those same heart wrenching questions.

They were too hard to answer. Then I realized, it was not my place to give the full reason.

Remember my child was 6 at the time.

So I said: "dad choose not to be with us for now"

Son: Why? Doesn't he love us anymore?

Me: I am sure he does but he is having a hard time showing it.

Son: Then why doesn't he come home?

Me: Because right now he is too angry to come home. But when he does we need to show him how happy we are so he will want to come home.
(I had to say this because it was way too evident that the WS would come over with great anger).

Me: Do you think you can do that if we do it together?

Son: Yes mom.

Me: You know son you can ask your father these questions. They are good questions and deserve a good answer. Do not be afraid to ask both of us any question.

Son: Ok.

Our conversation ran along those tones for a long time. I was honest with my child as much as I could be. We worked on the issues as a team and he was one of my best supporters.

L.

<small>[ August 10, 2002, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>