i guess it is just me but i cant help feeling thatmy affair was just not worth this pain.

may be after 6 months of getting through each day with my H and trying to repair the damage it just cant be done.

after all it has been 7 months since i had any real contact with the OM and i feel that i am being punished.

I made a mistake and made the wrong choice and after all that time i still feel like the worst person on earth.

i am slowly but surely dying inside and all i can see around me is damage. and i am reminded on a daily basis that it is my fault. i just made a mistake thats all. one i am really sorry for. one htat i hope i will never repeat. i wish it was all just over with.

Hi Crip,

Have you made any progress in finding a new counselor for yourself?

How about anti-depressants?

What you are describing is the result of a great deal of suppressed anger - as you described in your earlier post.

Face that issue, and you WILL be happy, joyous and free. I promise.

Crip-

Why do you feel punished? By your H, by yourself? Who is condemning you?

It's been 6 mos. since my A ended - I know how you feel, but I would suggest a counselor - that is where I went, in addition to this board - and got help (and continue to get help) in the issues of guilt and not being hard on myself to the point of self-immlolation (that is the term for burning yourself at the stake).

I've been and sometimes am still where you are, so please talk and maybe I or others here - there are plenty who have helped me - can help you out.

Scott

Listen to BR, she is a very wise woman.

also try recovery, someone there might can help you.

I'm going to try & find posts from SKM, she is a very wise FWW.

You might find her posts helpful. She was posting late 2000 & early 2001.

Thanks guys

BR no progress with counselling yet. I am on my 2nd one. like i say she is lovely but not helping really. Maybe its me, i dont know if counselling will help really, i think it would be better if i can just keep plodding on and hope that it all passes.

its not like i dont think i have really tried hard to put things right i realy have but i think i must be doing the wrong things. i really dont know what to do for the best.

Crip-

Find one thing about life that you love and embrace it - a hobby, a craft, something you love doing - and just fill up your idle time with it.

I played my guitar, smoked a lot of cigars (I know, traded one vice for another) and started to learn French - all things I love that fulfill me.

Find something you love and dive in - of course make it something healthy - drugs, alcohol, or another A won't work. The cigars were probably a bad idea - but it has passed and I won't get cancer from 2 or 3 a week for 4 or 5 months - but try to stay away from anything addictive.

Hope that helps.

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: hopelessromantic ]</small>

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=004665

try this link; it is one of the last that SKM posted to

She really helped a lot of people

bumped several of her old threads up on recovery, the titles usually are dealing with WS

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

Hello Crip,

I had to respond since I saw similarities in our situation.

After D-day, I was extemely angry at myself for the A. For 6 months, I cursed myself under my breath. My kids kept why their dad kept muttering to himself. I had to let go of that anger before I could heal.

It is now 2.5 years since D-day, and I am divorced, and I am still working on forgiving myself. Everyone close to me (my XW included) knows that I am a very good person, despite the fact that I had an affair. I am just now recovering my old happy self.

One of the things that helped me, was the fact that I realized that I did not intend to cause such harm and I cared enough to try and set things right.

Right now is when your true character will show. Handling this adversity will strengthen you and help you grow. Being here is a very positive sign.

Beating yourself up about your A is not going to help your marriage. In my marriage, there were problems on both sides that led to my affair. So, I doubt that it is all your fault. Focus on the positives and work on rebuilding your marriage. Good will come out of this experience, you just haven't seen any of it yet.

P.S. sing: thanks for posting the link and bumping up the relevant posts. It was a good read.