I have been gone for a week and a day doesn't go by with out the thought of W and OM together. I get the visual and I can't keep it together. I find myself wanting to find someone to be with. I love my W, but feel hate building as I think about what she did. It wasn't even a week since I left and she went on a trip. It was for business, but it put her within an hour of OM. I don't know if she went to see him or not. I haven't had a chance to talk to her since she got home. I am truly going crazy with the thoughts running through my head. How can I stop thinking about it? I have no more tears to give!

CD,
Remember that you can't change her, you can only change things about you. You need to work on you now. I hope you brought reading material with you so that you can educate yourself more about how and why your m got to where it is today. Don't give up hope, there is still alot of things that you can do. Remember all those things that she found attractive in you when you first met. Try to recindle those feelings with her without letting on that you are so upset about the current situation. I know its hard but you have to be strong. If she reads e-mails, compose very lite and encoraging letters with rays of hope mixed in. Remember not to sound desperate and needy, that is not attractive. Keep trying my friend, I was in your shoes too and with a broken heart and the feeling of hoplessness is still was able to overcome and turn the impossable around and save my marraige. Good luck and keep praying, the bible says that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and evective.

God Bless,
SH

It is real hard to act like nothing is wrong and that I'm fine. I want so bad to ask how it happend and how she could do this to me.
I have just finished HNHN and I see alot to do but I also see that it needs both parties to work. It was hard top read, it just made me think of what happend. Makes me wonder if I want it to work. If it wasn't for my two Ds I don't know if I would. Thanks for your thoughts
CD

CD,
I know what you mean. If it weren't for my kids I could have easely given up and taken the easy way out...divorce. By the grace of God I was able to persivire and in doing so it built character in my life that has made me a better person. You see, your children will suffer if this family fails. Your ww is most likely in a fantacy world and it is exciting and even addictive. Sooner or later that fantacy world will crumble and she will find out the hard way that it in fact was only a fantasy. Since you have finished HNHN, I recomend that you read Torn asunder and Surviving an Afair. If she is still involved with OM (which it looks like) these books will help you and educate you as to your options.
I also recomend that you bump up your first posts with an update so that other veterans can read your story and thus give you support.
Hang in there, this is going to be the hardest thing that you have ever had to deal with in your entire life. My counsler told me right after d-day, "this is worse than a death of a close family member because you have to live with this for a very long time....."
It hurts me to see you and others in the same shoes that I was in but I can't tell you enough that the battle is worth fighting. If in the end your marraige does not survive, you will have the peace and knowledge knowing that you DID do everything in your power to save this family and God will love you and bless you in ways that your heart and mind can not see from this place that you are in right now.

I will continue to pray for you,

SH

Hang in there, CD, I was where you are about 11 months ago, and I have survived, as have so many others.

I know, I thought the same thing when I read posts like this one; "11 months! That guy must be crazy, there's NO WAY!" That's what you were thinking, right?

You will make it, and you'll be better for it. I'd suggest all the reading material here on the MB site (Articles, Q&A, etc.) as well as Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair book. Take it easy, don't feel like you have to resolve this today, those feelings will recede, you will feel others, and you will struggle, but it will be worth it. Be patient and good to yourself during this time.

Post here, vent, ask, learn.
I'm sorry you're in this, but we're here to help you.

Mr CityDweller,
Quite a situation, isn't it. My situation is precicely the same. If it helps: since I've learnt about the whole sad situation (5 months ago), these imagainations get weaker over time.
Days 1 - 3: Really bad. I read about 12 months worth of daily emails between OM and WW, some of which really graphical. It almost killed me
Days 3-30: WW saw in what state I was, took pity. Were intimate frequently. That actually helped me overcome a bit these 'imaginations' of her being with OM, interestingly enough.
Months 2-5: Much better actually. Once in a while my imagination is suddenly triggered....for example, watched an emotional movie the other day and started crying like a crybaby!

CityDweller: When did you find out? What are you doing to look after yourself?

Hey thanks for the replies. I haven’t received any email from W for a few days and I sit and wonder. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It was May that she told me, or better said, she didn't deny it. I had suspected something was wrong for a couple of months. I know or at least feel it will get better, but I just hate thinking I am trying so hard to meet her needs and nobody is meeting mine. I don't want to sound selfish because I feel I have given more than received for a long time. Things were getting better before I left and they still may be fine. My work right now leaves me with little to do for 7 hrs a day. And as much as I fight it these thoughts and visions over whelm me. Then again as I try to sleep at night they hit again as I try to muffle the ??? whimpers so as to not disturb my roommate. I have started working out and running getting myself back in shape. I try reading... I have SAA but forgot it at home. The W was actually reading it a little so maybe it was a good thing I left it.
I wish I had someone to talk to but don't want to involve my friends, probably because of the embarrassment it would bring. I see how this is worse than losing a loved one, sometimes I wish my chest would just explode and get it over with. There are no words to explain the pain I feel. No matter how I tried, it would be impossible. Sometimes I think I understand the kind of pain Christ went through for us. I guess if I can do this I would do it for my children.
I know it could be great, even better than it was. I just can’t deal with the pain. The part that make me the most upset is that I can't show her how much it hurts. I am suppose to be strong and show her what I can be, what she married. When I don't feel that way right now! It’s not fair! There has to be something to help over come the resentment I feel! BUT WHAT!
CD

I was thinking about some of the things you all have told me. There is one thing I don't understand. My W hasn't seen this guy for 6 months that I know about. She has told me she hasn't seen him or heard from him in 6 months. But she tells me that she wants to JUST see him so he can see how good she looks and walk away from him. This is to make him feel ...I guess like she rejected him. I want to believe that she only wants to see him again for that reason. Her confusion with US is "why did she do it?" "Does she really love me?" Because she said "she loves me but is not in love with me". I know that’s a common line, but how can I get through to her? She wants time alone to figure it all out, and I know if time is spent away from each other it will do more harm than good. Right?

I guess my question would be, Does she really want to see him again in hopes something comes of it or is it really just to make him feel smaller? Should I put up with it if she sees him again or ask her to leave if she does?

What's hard for me where I am deployed to is that I have a lot of girls that show me a lot of attention. It feels nice to have someone be interested in you when you are suffering for something your W has done to you. So far I have been very dedicated to my WW and know I love her. Sometimes I am afraid that I will find myself in a situation with a girl when I am feeling down and week or angry. I know my situation is not as bad others, but I feel if I don't do something it will be. I just have this vision of what my marriage could be if we both just want it and try. Then I can't get the vision of what she did out of my mind. What a circle of destruction!

CD

CD,
I totaly understand how you feel but I urge you to resist the temptations to these "girls that show you attention" I gaurantee that you will not only hate yourself if you give in, you could loose all hope of saving your marraige.
Hopfuly your wife is reading SAA because this will help her understand why she did what she did and also the feelings that she has now. When she says "I love you but not in love...." I heard the same thing. You should hear my wife now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She loves me more now than ever so please don't give up yet.
Since you don't have your books, I encorage you to keep reading all the articales on infidelity here at MB. Even if you have read it all, read it again, you will be surprised at how much you might have missed. From the questions you have on your last post I would recomend you start with the Q&A at the top of this page and then click on "how to survive infidelity" from there go all the way to the bottom and click on "what are plan A plan B" this will help you understand and give you a plan of what you can do next,
Good luck and keep coming here to unload your feelings. Although we are not counselers, we are here to support you because we too have been and some still are in your very shoes.
If I were you, I would definitly surprise her with a bright, cheerful bouque (sp?) of flowers with a simple note saying "i miss you" (just my honest opinion)
God Bless,

SH

P.S. Notice what today is on my signature..... it has been two years today and things are good!!! There is hope for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</small>

Hey city,

where are you deployed to? I just got back from a 7 month stint in Bosnia. The affair with my WW happened while I was gone. We can talk more on how I got thru the deployment, while still knowing what was going on back here in the States. let me know.

In His arms.

CD, I have been exactly where you are, I know the pain, the hurt,the sleepless nights. You must use this time to focus on you, that is what you can control.Reading,working out, etc is a good start.Can you get in for some IC? Are you on any antidepression meds? I took Celexa for about 8 months, I really did help. You need to be strong,
the last thing you want to appear to your WS is desperate and needy. There is hope, but it does take time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does she really love me?" Because she said "she loves me but is not in love with me". I know that’s a common line, but how can I get through to her? She wants time alone to figure it all out, and I know if time is spent away from each other it will do more harm than good. Right?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is in the fog,don't believe much of anything she says regarding how she feels towards you,she is confused.In addition,if she wants space to figure things out, let her have it.
I know this is extremely difficult to do but if
want to save your marriage...

So, use this time to work on yourself, give her
time and space, implement the best Plan A you can,
don't pressure her, back off, give it time, the odds are in your favor. She needs to figure this out on her own, and the best way for her to do that is to give her the time and space to figure it out on her own. In the mean time, you will be working on yourself, and showing her the better person you have become. Good luck,hang in there, It took me almost 11 months to get my M back.
Dave

Well, the W is back from her trip and yes she went to see the OM play. I am hurt that she did but feel that a bit of revenge was given. What was said to me was that she felt stupid. She went to the gane in some short shorts and little top and after the game he talked to her and said he was going out with his friends. I think she was used and now she is trying to feel better about her self by trying to be liked. It is only making her feel worse. I gives me tha perfect opportunity to by there to comfort her but leave my full of anger that she went! I feel bad because she is really lost and hurting inside. She has neglected our bills since all this has happend hopeing her new business would take off, but now as I am away she finds herself struggling to pay things off. I think if she would just concentrate on her kids and not stress over her worries she would feel better. I know thats easier to say than do but, it would work.
So what should I do? I want to tell her she deserves it, but I know that probably won't help things between us. How can I make her feel good again? and at the same time deposit alittle in the love bank?
CD

Dear CD,

Please pardon a woman jumping in on your thread. I was a military wife for many years and I know how hard deployments can be on a marriage. In one way you are lucky, my H deployed in the days before email. Of all things, his affair didn't begin until he had left the military. We managed to hang on through all the separations and then, I think, the adjustment to living together all the time (the lack of excitement of home coming and leave takings) may have led to the affair. My husband has a huge need for tons of input, excitement, thrills, daring. He was no longer flying dangerous missions and I think he found another way to get the adrenaline rush.

Have you found the EN questionnaire? I think you must have if you read any one of the Harley's books. If not, it is on this site. Has your wife filled out the EN questionnaire? Was she honest in it? If so, that should give you some real good ways to begin meeting whatever needs you can from a long distance.

If you can't think of ways to meet those needs long distance (obviously SF can't be met from a ship), please post her top 5 ENs on this site and ask others to help you think of ways to fill them.

Telling her how much you love her and appreciate her doesn't have to make you appear weak and needy. "You know honey, since we have had so much trouble in our marriage, I realized that I have forgotten to tell you often enough just what a great Mom I think you are to our kids."

"You know one of the things I miss most about being deployed? How warm and cozy a home you have made for us, your special spaghetti sauce, the flowers you plant in the summer, _______" Fill in whatever you (honestly) miss. Meet that need for admiration.

Whenever you pull into port (if you do), send little trinkets by mail. Email is nice, but nothing beats a small parcel by mail. What a treat to open the mail box and there is a small surprise waiting for you.

If sex was good between you, fire up her imagination (in sweet, not Penthouse ways). Tell her about the sweet love you dream of making when you get home. Keep her fires buring for you. I wouldn't worry too much that you will get her so hot and bothered she goes back to exOM. She most likely went there for different ENs than SF.

If she needs help with the kids, you can't do much from such a distance, but use some of the same tactics on your children. Send them frequent photos, write letters to them, even if they are too young to read. Mom can read them to them for now and they will be precious jewels when they are older (be sure to keep a Xerox copy in case they get read so often that they fall apart.) If you are spiritual and that is important to your wife, remind your children of God's love for them. Pull your religious beliefs into your marriage if appropriate. Nothing is a wonderful as a man who is strong enough to show his tender side and his reliance on his Lord.

More important has she filled out the LBers questionnaire? The Harleys recommend that the first thing a couple do is complete the LBers questionnaire and then stop love busting. It is probably hard to LB from thousands of miles away, but look at it and see what you can do. LBs are like a huge whole in the bottom of the love bank. Any good things you are pouring into the top are drained out the bottom by LBs. The biggest one men are usually guilty of is angry outbursts. If you are hollering or calling names (in short, treating her differently than when you were dating) you need to change that behavior. For women, the emotional violation of being the object of anger is usually what she finds to be the biggest violation of her dreams for the marriage.

Hope this gets you started.

MJ

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>
So what should I do? I want to tell her she deserves it, but I know that probably won't help things between us. How can I make her feel good again? and at the same time deposit alittle in the love bank?
CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
MaryJane gave you excellent advise. I agree 100%. I remember asking my WW what is it that the OM did or had that I don't . She said "when I walked into the room, he made me feel like I was the only thing that matters and it made me feel so special...." From that day forward I was the one that made her feel "so special" You see I had taken her for granted for so long that she felt that I was incapable of making her feel that way again. It did take time for her to realise that I was for real so don't get discoraged when fireworks don't go off when you lite the fuse, think of it as a delayed fuse and I will lay odds that in time the fireworks will infact go off and go off in a big way. Get to work.... flowers.com would be a good start <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
You are going to make it, I see a ray of hope.
God is in control...
SH

Thanks for the Ideas. I haven't found out if she is reading SAA but I did ask her to fill out the EN questionier. She didn't want to at the time, but maybe I should try again. Right now she is so worried about some posts that she put on a discussion board on his teams web site. She is afraid someone will know it was she and they might say something bad about her. What does she expect? She wants so bad to be noticed, but it can't come from me. She says I just say nice thing because I'm her husband. I really don't get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am trying to be supportive in all I do, even with the post she put on the discussion board. I added things to help detract from what she had said. Why do I do things like that if she is trying to get attention somewhere else? Am I an idiot? I feel like it some times.

Ok MaryJane,
Our anniversary is coming up the 23rd. I am sending a little something home with a friend who is going back to the states. I also have a dozen red and one white, LOOONNG stem roses being sent with the meaning of the arrangement. I have sent her uplifting and complimenting emails almost every day. And I will make those everyday. If she wants out I won't make it easy for her. If I could just get back to the fun carefree guy that I was before the A it would help. Its hard to do when yopu know she has been unfaithful. OK going on more that 24 hrs without sleep so I am going to bed.
CD