MM and I had a very long term affair that ended last year. I told his W. I made my ammends and I moved on with my life.

Completely out of the blue MM shows up at my door tonight. I was in TOTAL shock to say the least. I am in a serious relationship now and my boyfriend was not home.

He told me that he came over to make an ammends to me. I accepted and asked him what he wanted. Then he said that he wanted friendship. My head is spinning I don't even know what to think.

As a living ammends to his wife I made the decision to stay away from him and all married men. And that's what I have done. I want to be friends with him but at the same time feel like i'd have to be out of my mind.

I spoke to my bf about it. He is friends will most of his ex's. He said I trust you to honor our relationship. If you can't do that then don't be friends. If you can do that, then it's up to you.

I honestly don't know what to do.

KS,

Stay away from MM. This is bad news for you, for your BF, for MM's W, and yes even him. There can be no good that comes from being his friend. You have and can make lots of friends, but not ones you had affairs with.

THat is my short and simple advice. You may have skated out unharmed the last time, but you won't this time.

God Bless,

JL

Don't do it KS, don't do it.

No Contact is about the only non-negotiable part of recovery for a reason. Besides, think of HIS family; you KNOW he's going to want more as time goes on...don't do it! The temptation and mixed feelings are too great.

Don't go down this road again! You are doing so well, and are so happy with new 'baggage free' bf! Don't take the chance that MM could poosibly ruin the great relationship you now have with someone else.

Hi Katie,

No, no, no, don't open the door to him again! Having anything to do with MM will only destabilize what you have now, what you have worked so hard to develop. Think of your son, too. He has such a good relationship with BF.

Remember how you decided that MM was being selfish in his relationship with you? Please stay strong and tell him to go away.

My DIL's A began when she contacted former BF to make ammends and look where that led.

I've been really happy for the peace that has come into your life because of the decisions you have made. Please avoid MM.

Take care,
Estes

Katie,
NC is the best policy, for yourself and MM's W. I went out with a MM once. At the time I went out with him I didn't know he was married. We worked at the same place. W worked there too. I found out one day, W found out the next day. He found out that I found out and stupidly contacted me. I gave him a peice of my mind. W kicked him out. About a year later, he asked if we could be friends, another mistake, I agreed. We had different definitions of friends. By this time, I had met H. (H was not H at that time). He set out to sabatoge my relationship with H. He invited us to his cabin, him and H became friends. Next thing I know, H is thinking that I am unfaithful to him. When MM comes around again, in my opinion, friends is not what is on his mind. Learned this the hard way.

Honestly this whole subject makes me want to cry. My life is so plain vanilla now. Drama free and I love that.

MM shows up and I feel like somebody konked me over the head. He said all of the words that I waited so long to hear. It doens't matter now though. It's too late. Plus he's still not half the man my bf is.

I just feel manipulated and sad.

Katie,

U R a lady now. Not a trailing OW. U don't need the MM. You have better and you are better.

Of course he will say what you want to here. Inherently our imperfection easily succumbs to coveting (wanting what is not ours).

Remember you are better than the MM. Sounds like your BF is better than him also. Trust where is the trust now? With your BF or the MM?

I don't think the MM wants your friendship for friendship. The MM has a need and is looking for a sucker to fill it.

Be careful with your feelings.

take care,
L.

"It doens't matter now though. It's too late. Plus he's still not half the man my bf is. I just feel manipulated and sad."

These are your very own words... print them off and frame them... refer to them often... you've got it right!

Why bring this guy into your life as a friend? Think about what the cost vs. benefit is... Cost = nearly everything you have, Benefit = ???. The math doesn't lie.

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 07:11 AM: Message edited by: J.R. ]</small>

Katie,

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I honestly don't know what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your heart and your head are not insync over this or you wouldn't be confused. Listen to your gut and decline his friendship offer. Too much history, too much baggage, too much heartbreak.

Just think what his W will go through when she finds out her H is once again friends with xOW. Or will he be keeping that a SECRET from her AGAIN?!?!?!?

Katie,

This is the reason why NC is a must in MB. Your recovery clock could start from zero again.

-RH-

you know given the circumstances I feel like the choice is clear for me. In a certain way i'm angry that he even asked me.

I have to be honest and say that for as long as i've been here I always thought that the "fog" was a bunch of bull. I swear to god as soon as he walked through my door it's like the fog blew in. At one point he as making his case and I just felt lost and confused. Just 5 minutes before everything in my world seemed happy and sure. He walks through the door and I feel lost, afraid and confused.

I wish that this was more clear cut for me. I wish that I had had an instant recoil reflex. I did not. But i'm not so fogged out that I don't remember our history. My relationship with him was so painful. Relatively few pluses and many minus', half truths and the crumbs from his table.

Upon reflection I understand why he showed up here. His father died this week (an event he has long dreaded). He's sponsor is out of town (he's about a year sober). And he's just had a vectomy and was on tylenol 3.

There is no room for him in my life. I'm glad that he stopped by. It's an ago boost to know that he still wants me. But there's no good that can come from this. Plus it's trading addictions for him. I don't want to be his cocaine replacement.

That relationship has always picked up me in a limo and dropped me off in a garbage truck. I can't afford to go there. My emotional sobriety depends on it.

I am very impressed by you! You know what to do, and you know that any more contact with MM would only cause pain... for YOU, his W, and anyone else involved.

Stick to the NC rule... you're doing great!

-mcnyh

Katie ~

I just want to point out that once again, his behavior is selfish.

His interruption on your life without so much as a "by your leave" shows zero respect for you. This is about his needs, and no concern about you or your son's needs for a stable life and a relationship that can provide a fulfilled life for both of you.

Show your BF how much you cherish your relationship with him - protect your boyfriend from your vulnerablity to this man, by establishing a firm boundary of no-contact.

If you are following MB principles with your BF, then the rule of protection is very clear! It's your job to protect him (the MUCH better man) from your weaknesses.

MM is acting like his usual selfish self, with no thought to the harm or hurt his actions cause others, as long as he gets what he thinks he wants.

OK ... I may get "flamed" for this ... but here goes:

I vote you call his wife and let her know what happened. Answer any of her questions truthfully. Promise her that you will call her again if there is any further contact.

Not to hurt her ... and

Not to hurt him .... but

To very firmly , and without any doubt establish those boundaries you have been working so hard to commit to.

MM is trying to ooze himself back into your life.

Who need this?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I second PB's post.

About calling his W:

As we sat on my couch yesterday (me having an out of body experience). I said to him "Frienship?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I have all of my friendships in the light. No secrets.

(Ok truth be told EVERYBODY knew about us before-with the noted excpetion of his W.)

I said to him, if you want to be friends it would need to be with the approval of our partners. I will talk to my bf and you talk to W. He said "fine." Then I said "and i'm going to call her and talk to her" He says to me "fine-i'll talk to her about you tonight."

WTF!?

Ok, I need to leave this whole thing alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Katie,
I suspect this was a "fishing" expedition for him, seeing if you were open to reestablishing the A.

Perhaps seeing if you still have feelings for him, which is a way of checking his desirability, especially if he had a vasectomy (you said vectomy--maybe I'm way off there, don't know that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

Even IF his W and your BF would say a "friendship" is ok...it doesn't seem likely, considering that seeing him threw you for a loop, that the friendship would be a normal one, no past conotations, feelings, or behaviors cropping up.

I understand you may feel like you'd like to know how his life is going, but if he wasn't good for you, would continued contact be the right thing for you? You know it isn't good for his marriage. you must doubt it would be good for your relationship with your BF.

Sometimes we have to let go of people who mattered to us because of a change in our thinking & priorities.

I wish you the best and hope you can sort out what is best for you.

I have to be honest with myself and say that I have NO IDEA how not to sleep with this man.

For whatever difficulties there were when we were vertical. The horizontal really, really worked.

Nothing about friendship with him helps any part of the rest of my life. He's rich, he's handson, he spoils me (all things I love) and he's 100% trouble.

MM claims to have come to my house for sober support. I called a male friend of mine from AA and said "this guy needs support. Will you call him." My friend said that he would.

Now I need to find a way to tear up his contact details. (or atleast take them down from my refrigerator)

I think we all understand how tough this is...but this chapter of your life needs to be closed permanently. Take a deep breath...walk over to the fridge (try to overcome the "no! don't do it's") tear up the contact info and throw it in the trash. At that point you'll know he's not a part of your life, that you can be happy without him. You can have lots of friends in your life without having ones that create such chaos. Finally, (this always works for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) get into a bubble bath, eat some chocolate and have fantasies about your bf!! Be strong, you can do this...you need to do this!