Katie, do you honestly believe that his W will think its OK for him to have you as a friend? As a FBS, I know I could never possibly agree to that and I doubt she would either. Sounds to me like he will either lie to you and tell you she said its alright or he will lie to her (again) and not tell her about your "new" friendship. Is this the kind of "friend" you need in your life? Be careful, C

"I have to be honest with myself and say that I have NO IDEA how not to sleep with this man.

For whatever difficulties there were when we were vertical. The horizontal really, really worked."

See, it's lines like these that scare the jeebers out of me, as it relates to my own WW... does she think that way about OM???!??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I sure hope not, 'cause they still work together, and I HOPE things are starting to change between them (or have already ended) - got some evidence of such.

Anyhow, as for your sitch, sounds like he can meet a few of your EN's, but not all - one that we tend to overlook as an "official EN", but that of safety, security, stability and familiarity. Your BF can provide these - this guy sounds like he can provide the exact opposite - chaos, you losing your mind (again), etc.

Yup, get rid of the contact info... he's baiting you.

Why would you even want this guy as a friend? Rich perhaps, handsome perhaps, but he sounds like an emotional loser.

Send a letter to him and his wife. Say simply that it is best that you stay out of each other's lives. There is no way that his W would agree to you being friends with him. Unless she is certifiable. And your bf doesn't know what he is agreeing to either. You've moved on, don't let him back in your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>

I have to be honest and say that for as long as i've been here I always thought that the "fog" was a bunch of bull. I swear to god as soon as he walked through my door it's like the fog blew in. At one point he as making his case and I just felt lost and confused. Just 5 minutes before everything in my world seemed happy and sure. He walks through the door and I feel lost, afraid and confused.

I wish that this was more clear cut for me. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Katie,
I always feel this way when I am trying to BS myself. When I am trying to do a snow job on my logic. At least you know what the truth is and are appropriately reminding yourself of the PAINFUL REALITY of this relationship. Not that you don't know this, but it is silly beyond words to think that you could be "friends." I think you are probably alot like me, Katie, in that you can't even believe your own BS and just have to stick with doing the right thing! Hang in there, girl!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>

MM claims to have come to my house for sober support. I called a male friend of mine from AA and said "this guy needs support. Will you call him." My friend said that he would.

)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He can get support at an AA meeting. Since when do women sponsor men in AA?

You sd yourself MM has problems.. obviously... he does... now stay away....AWAY< AWAY- Away... I like you and I know you have better sense than this....

Tell him you are sorry but the relationship caused too much pain for everyone in the paost... and you will not reopen it, even as a friendship... goodbye and good luck.. please do not come back.

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok, so there's good news and more good news.

#1-BF called me today and freaked out. HE lives in terror of loosing cool point sometimes, but for this one he layed it on the line. He told me "I was wrong yesterday. I can't handle this. If you want to be friends with this guy thats on you, but you'll do it without my support. I can't deal with you being friend with a man that clearly you're not over. If you were over him you would not be so torn about being friends or not. I'm not trying to make you choose or make decisions for you. But I don't know that our relationship can survive a friendship with him." We had a really good honest talk about it. We agree that MM contacting me was selfish and self serving. We agree that MM does not add to our lives, this relationship or anything else for that matter. I have decided to resume NC.

#2- I called a male friend of mine in AA and requested that he reach out to MM. I told him "he just lost his dad, he needs support and i'd take it as a personal favor if you reached out to him." My friend agreed to give MM a call and offer support, invite him for coffee, etc

#3-I called MM and said "I really wish you well, but I must insist on NC." I didn't give him any big explaination. It was short and simple. I told him that my life was wonderful and I wish the same for him and his family.

So another tragedy averted.

Oh and suddenly my BF is the BF of the year. All of these sweet, special treats are coming my way.

I guess alls well that ends well.

Thanks guys
KS

good girl. You handled it well.

truth - i wanna puke. i've never denied him anything. espically not me.

he didn't go quietly, but go he went.

i'm soaring, i'm sick, i'm sad, i'm free

Knew you could do it!! (I also think that you knew you had to do it) The 'sick; feeling is just nerves. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Scarlett,

Hi there, sorry to hear of this turn of events. It’s not a good one for you as you have clearly stated. Your BF sounds like a levelheaded, good guy. Do everything to you can to take care of that relationship.

Sounds like you’ve handled it all well. You may have a bit of a roller coaster here because this is going to set your recovery back some. So let your bf pamper you. Sounds like he values you enough to not only shower you with love and affection but to have this relationship in the light of day.

Good for you for seeing this. For seeing that MM is toxic for you. Look at the strength you’ve built up since you first came here to MB.

Hey Katie girl...

I am very glad things turned out okay... sounds like you used your head.

Cali

Hmph! Interesting how MM thought he could just waltz back into your life and pick up where you left off after being gone for -- how many months now??? Bold. Wouldn't he have been shocked if you just left him standing at the door and refused to even let him come inside!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He probably knows he can buy you the world and your BF cannot so that might be where he gets his confidence from. Who knows? And, he probably knew you would still be hot for him. But, another thing to keep in mind tho is you might not be nor have been his only OW?!

I'm glad your BF came to his senses, too!!! He seems to have a lot of self-respect to put his foot down like that and give you an ultimatum--good for him!

And, good for you--to remember the temptations vs. the realities (loved your limo/trash truck illustration). Keep moving not only away from married men, but also keep moving positively toward your God-given purpose & destiny. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

you know in the light of day I feel really good about my decision. Last night I felt as thought I had done the right thing but felt sick and sad. Today I just feel free.

He was desperate, needy and manipulative. He even put his 8 year old son on the phone try and tug at my heart strings. The whole thing was just nasty. And reminds me of the sh-t I lived in when dealing with him.

I told him that I had a wonderful life now nad that I wished the same for him and his family. "This is a Dear John letter, this is goodbye isn't it. You're going to say 'never call me again!'"

I just said "yes". That's when he handed the phone to his 8 year old. "say hi to Katie John..." It was sick twisted and sad.

I'll tell you this. I've never seen him this desperate. He's not done. His father just died, sh-t is blowing up all around him, he's not done with me. But having a sober reference for rejecting him will go a long way.

Oh and BTDT,
There's no question for me that he thinks I will give him anything. Historically I have. No more.

I have a doorman. All I have to do is leave word that if he comes by, don't even ring my apartment.

This man used his wealth to spoil me like mad (you remember me talking about all of the goodies I got). He gave me every material perk to be with him. I gave my emotional all to our relationship.

BF is poor as a church mouse, but gives me his heart and soul. I love "stuff" God knows I do. But not as much as I love my sanity and cherish my bf.

As a BS, I want to say thank you for not letting the MM drag you back to a place where others will get hurt (especially his W!) I believe you when you say it is not easy, but I respect you for staying away... I just with other OW would have the same respect for the MM's W!!

Yeah, material items are nice, but nothing compares to real love!!!

I wish you and your BF the best of everything!!! Who knows... maybe someday he will earn a lot of money, and can add material items to all the love he gives you.

Thank you for being strong!

-mcnyh

MC
I'm not that noble. It's a nice bi-product that his W is not hurt, but truthfully my concern is for me.

If there was some way that I could work this out so that it somehow worked for me i'd honestly say MB and his W be damned. Pure addiction.

But my life is different now and those differences dictate that I leave this one alone.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>MM and I had a very long term affair that ended last year. I told his W. I made my ammends and I moved on with my life.

I am in a serious relationship now and my boyfriend was not home.

Then he said that he wanted friendship. My head is spinning I don't even know what to think.

As a living ammends to his wife I made the decision to stay away from him and all married men. And that's what I have done. I want to be friends with him but at the same time feel like i'd have to be out of my mind.

I honestly don't know what to do.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">!!!!!!RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can only lead to NO GOOD. Please remember NO CONTACT. MM is in the past, you moved on just fine without his help, and the Lord allowed you to meet a nice guy - please don't ruin his trust in you - commit to the future and not to the past.
Harold

Dear Katie,

You made the right choice. You know it by the way you felt the next day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BF was dealing with this whole situation by being physically distant. We'd shared a million phone calls but be hadn't come over to the house since xMM had been there.

Yesterday I called him and left a voice mail saying "I need you to come here and be with me." I wasn't even sure that he got the message until last night. He didn't call me back, he just showed up at my house, took me in his arms and held me for a long time. It's been a long time since i've felt so crazy and mixed up. MM reminds me VERY much of my family of origin. Wild fun crazy and unstable. Theres a part of me that missed that high. BF is calm, sane and reliable.

For my entire life if I ever asked for help from my family it was a crap shoot as far as what i'd get back. That's MM.

With BF if I so much as whisper "help" he's there in a heart beat.

I journaled for a long time last night. We took a nap together before dinner. Had a nice family dinner and a peaceful rest of the evening. I told him EVERYTHING. Everything I felt about MM. The sexual chemistry between us, our addiciton to one another. Just everything. WE hugged and cried a little bit.

I got to bed early, so BF tucked me in, read me bedtime stores and kissed me good night. He's an awesome guy and I feel blessed on have his as my partner.