I need to understand what to do next. Please read me.
I am female, 31 years old, and (h 36) and have been married 4 years. From the beginning, I have felt very ignored, unprotected, appreciated and restless in our relationship. My husband is aware of these feelings because I try several time to discuss about them. He let me use our money whatever I want, by that showing his love and affection.
We rarely go out, now having sex at all. Our relation is nonexistent as young couple. In the past there were some extreme mental abuse and once physical (even the authority have been involved). He stopped the physical one. But sometimes when we argue he is still doing the mental one by putting my family or me down. Later on he asks me to forgive him.
He says that he loves me but he really does not care about my needs. He says loving to have children but not doing anything in order for me to get pregnant. In short he says wanting this relationship work but he cannot just be the lovely husband (maybe because nobody taught him) He says is doing his best. Our marriage lost its romance and there is no communication at all. We have been seeing counselors for the past 2 years now. It seems he does not want to really learn.

Recently a man has come into my life (34), and there is a new kind of awakening. At the beginning he was only someone I vaguely knew, then because I have to see him for a certain period we talked about anything and everything. (And I still have to see him in the future because I buy some services from his business). He was just being friendly and carried on conversations the way he would with almost anyone. But whether he intended to, or not, whenever he talked with me makes me feel appreciated, secure, just feel like a woman again.
He always has a tender word and without seeking it, he entered the picture. Then I asked him to be my friend which he was ok with. I find myself thinking about him often and wish I could be with him. I feel so guilty and ashamed of these feelings, but nevertheless, they are there. I try not to think about him, but I do. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but now he looks at me in a way that gives me a signal that he might. Especially lately he asked me whenever I feel like talking I can call him at work or drop by. I feel him closer to me now, last time he even gave me a tender touch. Because I feel so lonely, and because he is my friend I ask him if he’d like to go out with me, of course he said yes. Now we about to plan something like that.
We talk about my troubled marriage. He suggested me to give another try or to move on with my life because he thinks I am still young and do not have child yet. Nothing has been said or done between us. I don't want to tell my husband about this because he’ll get furious.
Deep down, I still love my husband but I refuse to let him abuse me even mentally. I just want the magic between us to reborn but I cannot work things out by myself. I am not happy in my relationship with my DH. He does not cheat on me but his brother is always between us.
I do not believe in divorce that why I can’t do the first step unless he physically touches me.
Meanwhile I have feelings for that man. He has a girl friend too which makes things complicated and they live together. There are things I can do to get closer to the "other man" if I will allow it to happen, but I'm afraid of the consequences and I do not want hurt my husband and my extended family. I feel I'm at a crossroads. I'm sure you've heard this type of story before. I would value your opinion. I cannot talk to anyone about this. My husband and I are away from each other for a couple weeks of reflection, then we have to decide rather we give a last try or move on with our lives.
Please help me.

Q

Queenia:

Have you looked over the Harley concepts on this website, if you have not, here is a link to a getting started, if you will, with links to the concepts, etc.

General Welcome for All New Builders

I do not know if you have had a chance to read any of Harley's books but they are excellent. Your story is almost a textbook example for "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS" by Harley. I would highly recommend getting this book ASAP!!
It seems as if your (and your husbands) emotional needs have not been met for some time. This is why you are having "feelings" for this other man. He is able to offer you unmet emotional needs that your husband cannot meet.

Also, with the mental abuse that your husband is giving, is a huge "Love Buster". But please make sure that if you are in physical harm, you may need to separate.
Also, you mentioned that you have been in counseling for 2 years, have you considered switching counselors?? Also, if you click on the counseling center icon on the home page, you can get info there.

Again, definitely go and read the Basic Concepts, I think you will learn alot.

As for your "friend", I would cut off contact with him, if you truly want to save your marriage, you need to concentrate on you and your marriage.

Hon, the decision should NOT be marriage or OM. Get rid of the OM. Work on your marriage. If it doesn't work out...DIVORCE. Jumping from one relationship to another will only set you up for more pain and disappointment.

Q;
So very sorry to hear about this, but the others have given you good advice. You must first try to do some things to see if your marriage can be saved (change counselors, read the books and web site, try to get him involved as well so you can work together) and only when you have made a sincere effort, and have given it the time required should you decide what to do.

In the menatime, you must avoid contact with the OM. This will only cloud your judgment, and make you confused about your feelings for your H. While that exists, your M has very little chance of improving.

We are glad you've come her for help. This is a good place, and you will find support and encouragement. Stay well.

I so wish my W had come here, as you did, when her feelings for the OM were starting...we would not be on the verge of taking our family apart.

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

I thank you all of you for taking the time to respond me.
I do agree with most of you that I have to avoid any contact with "F" in order to work things out with H.
Last night H came back home, not even 3 days away from home. We were supposed to stay 2 weeks away from each other. He just looks miserable now, but I do not how to trust him. I need time alone, so I am going to ask him to give me some space.
I will do my best in order to save my M and help H. But meanwhile, I need time for rest and healing.
Even if it's hard to give up on "F", I think is the best choice as most of you said. It is hard because now I can laugh again and feel good. I did not feel that way for long time. He made me feel good in spite of my problems.
And now H is watering lawn, for the 1st time.
Do you think I should ask him to leave as we agreed with counselor (for 2 weeks)?
Q

I have downnloaded some of questioneer, but as I said previously I cannot take responsability for both (H&I). He does not want to read anything. I bought him books...Print out some interesting articles in vain.
Now he is saying he does not want to talk to anybody again.
We were supposed to stay separatly for a couple of weeks. He came back after 2 days. I need time, space,...He does not want to go anywhere.
I asked him at least to ignore me for 2 weeks than we can talk to our counselor.
Once again, he does not understand. He want me to trust him right away, to get back on our life.
Then promised to get divorce. He was angry because I am ignoring him right now. We needed this of reflection. He agreed wiht, but now...

I did not want to argue, then I went outside of the house.
I do want to give him/us a another chance, but he is one who does not give us any chance.
I am willing to work on M, but I cannot do all myself. It takes 2 people to build a relationship. I am so weary.
Thanks you to all of you.
Q