I dont get it, I try to be nice.. ws says I am controlliong when he gets to see kids... I am this, I am that... I am bad, bad bad- of course he wuold commit an A... I am such a bad person... OK< thanks again.. what can I say...

The anger is really really strange.. whatever i do is wrong... and he is obviously mad. He is broke- and obviously feeling out of control... wish things can be as they once were... all I ever get are smirks and anger?

does this phase pass... ? ws says I desteroyed his family and that is too bad bc he was a family man... funny, ws will still not admit to relationship with maid... although it is very obviousl... went form the ow from the work sface, to the maid... he is a bvery very big drinker..

anyway... this too shall pass?

thanks, H

Honey,

this is what worked for me when my WH first left and was ANGRY!!!

I let him vent, kept my cool, bit my tongue, and said "I'm sorry you feel this way", the anger eventually subsided.

The key thing is NOT to react to his anger, this is what he wants. He knows what he is doing is wrong, does not feel good about himself , is angry at himself, does not want to admit it. and wants everyone as miserable as he is. He is miserbable, probably a huge sign of why he drinks ,to temporarily get rid of the pain.

Honey, Honey, Honey!

This, too, shall pass...IF you let it and stop trying to control it.

While you are the only one pointing out and constantly reinforcing those things which he knows he must face, he projects it on you. As if by doing that he avoids having to face them.

My W is doing exactly the same thing. She seeks out those who don't know all the story, tells her side without all the information, seeking validation for her "feelings" so that she can project all her faults and frustrations on me, and thus avoid facing them.

So...I'm in Plan B...leaving her to face her own demons, without having the excuse that I created them, without having the easy target of blame: Me.

Honey, I just bought this books a couple of weeks ago, have not had a chance to read it yet, here's a link to the description and customer reviews of "The Angry Marriage"The angry marriage

here's what is says on the back:

How to identify which of the angry "lovestyles" best decribes you-venter, provoker, diplacer, enactor, symbolizer, or suppresser.

How to decode complaints so that you will unearth the real but hidden sources of your and your spouses anger

How the confront and conquer the invisible angry marriage that is locked inside your relationship

How to replace even the greatest anger with compassion and goodwill using a new language of love.

Does the anger phase pass?

It has for my WW, unless she's got another one up her sleeve. BUT... She's come a long ways, actually... Lots of IC, and me, as GC says - NOT REACTING. I know doing that doesn't "feel right" in many ways, but it's what seems to work best...

So with your H, unless he's willing to deal with some of his own issues, I don't know how much progress you'll see. That's important - that they start to deal with things... and it sounds like your H is avoiding them big time.

Depression can be factor. Its been said that when men are depressed, it comes out as anger. It also is another way of trying to convince themselves that they are not doing anything wrong. Blame the other person of what they themselves ARE doing.Had both H use that tactic. Don't fall for it. (I know, easier said then done)

honey,

I know that this is a "marriage builders" site and that I might get flamed for suggesting such a thing but, have you ever considered the possiblilty that you are involved in an unhealthy relationship?? He brings out the very worst in you and you bring out the very worst in him. You need to simply accept that fact and remove him from your life and you from his. It has been and always will be unhealthy. That is NOT changeable...no matter how many prinicples of marriage building you implement. Do something about it...if for nothing else than for your kids. They deserve better. They deserve to be in a stable environment. As long as you both are doing what you do, they won't ever have that.

As always, JMHO.

Thanks to everyone for the great support and kindness, having such anger.. self anger at himself I suppose constantly directed at me... is so hard.. I , the fixer, want to end it... taking kids to eat, then going to let ws deal with realities of having 2 sons for an evening who want their family... thanks for the support a millions... I know I deserve tough love.. who cares at times... as I am as stubborn as a brick wall in wanting this marriage.. but if ws does not want to love me.. then fine... will be ok... not my fault he is unwilling to be good husband , right? I am sad beyond belief.. truth be known... I know h is mad that he cannot support us, he does not have stable job.. I do.. always could always will.. but at times I want to cop outlike him... tiered of being mrs. responsible.. would like fun life. or lie that is... he does not have it good.. non ohnnnononononon... he prententeds... ows were esca[es from reality, can I please remember this?

THanks a million, hard day again, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Dear Honey,

As you already know, my H is generally angry and always blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life.

We have no choice left but to pray for our husbands.

My thoughts are with you.

Honey,
Thought this tidbit from my IC might be helpful.
He told me that it is easier for the spouse to blame the one closest to them for all that is wrong WITH THEM than to face the fact that everything they say about YOU is really what's bugging them about themselves. It's not right, but it's what happens.
He said it much better than I did- but that's the gist of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honey,
Thought this tidbit from my IC might be helpful.
He told me that it is easier for the spouse to blame the one closest to them for all that is wrong WITH THEM than to face the fact that everything they say about YOU is really what's bugging them about themselves. It's not right, but it's what happens.
He said it much better than I did- but that's the gist of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very true, My W did this for about 10 months... everything, including her A was my fault. My IC told me the exact same thing. Until the WS takes a hard look at themselves and start to take on responsibility for their actions, the anger will probably continue. It is best not to react to it.."sorry you feel this way" as a reply worked best for me. Once my W start to take ownership for her decisions, the anger went away.

Good luck,
Dave

Wow, that's weired how the "I'm sorry you feel this way" worked for both davepr and I .

Now, let's concentrate on the few little words.

I'm sorry (a synonym for sorry is "pity")

you feel this way (concentrate on "you feel", these are his feelings, his anger, his discontent).

Honey, YOU do not have these feelings but he is trying to manipulate and make you feel this feelings. He's angry and wants to see you feel badly too. The worst thing to do it react to the anger, this is what he wants, he will win. Show him the good person you are, it will come a time that he will realize that he is wasting his time being angry.

thanks again to the people who understand.. to the newer poster who seems to think my relationship has alwys been bad and always will be bacx..... well well well... ALWAYS is a pretty big word... sorry for the flame, but I tend to believe my once wonderful spouse is in a real life crisis and is choosing to blame me for all his issues.... now not saying I did not have nay... but you dont know me, and you dont know him.. you see the bad bad bad stuff I have posted due to all too real and horrid pain... sorry to say, but NO my kids are not in the middle of it, and my kids have quite a good life that I provide along with my family... needless to say an alcoholic father is not a good infleuence, hoping for his change of heart or coming to Jesus change in his life... it can happen.

Thanks and hugs, I appreciate the support of those who understand this horrid anger projection... it helps me put it in perspective...

My h's constant threats to control me right now... are if I wont let him see our kids whenever he demands... and I mean spur of the moment demands... like right now, when he calls... et c... and if we did have plans and he happens to end up at a bar instead ... well , gee sorry is his humble answer... anyway..> I think he is down in the real live gutter right now... and no one can pull him out but himself...

sad, and thanks for listening to me vent... this midlife misery stuff is more than I can handle...

Life is hard enough without this kind of crap to handle.. thanks a million for being her friends. Honey

Honey,
Since our situations seem to share some important issues, I'll share another helpful hint from my IC.
We were having these visitation struggles, too. (And we've only been separated since 7/1!)
Anyway, the C suggested a schedule (that can be periodically changed). It has helped the children to know what to expect as well as me.
Just pick the night(s) or days and times and say from now on you can see the children on such and such days.
As my C said' "Your H has been making the rules and doing a bad job, so now it's your turn."
Hope that helps.......

Honey, is he still mad because you hacked his email accounts?