Is it possible to miss the feelings that I had when A was in full swing, but not miss the OM? I am riding the roller coaster of missing him (or the feelings?), but then I remember the things that I disliked about the A and realize that I don't even like OM much anymore. I think he played with my emotions and used me and I hate myself for falling for it and for taking a chance of ruining my marriage for THAT! But I can't stop missing the confident, disireable, attractiveness he made me feel. When will that go away?

It'll be some time, NT, thes things don't go away overnight.

One thing that helps is to share these feeling with your H, let him know you are having them and you'd like his help and support in overcoming them.

Sharing them with him will make you feel better, and his efforts to help you will, too. He will also gain more trust in you when you share this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I can't stop missing the confident, disireable, attractiveness he made me feel. When will that go away?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does take some time. The best way to speed it along is to discover how or what you have to do to foster these same feelings in your marriage and your relationship with your husband. What are the requirements for making the marriage better? How can you have these same feelings with your husband?

That is the KEY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS The other way, and the least desirable way, is to let the emotional affair drag on until you see the affair as it truly is and look back and see how MUCH of your life, time and energy you have wasted on this man and the affair dies a very nasty, angry, natural death. Thus, the feelings of being confident, disireable, and attractive go away.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

NT, if you don't find a more healthy way to fill those voids in your life yourself, or through your marriage...the withdrawl from the feelings could last quite a while. That's why everyone says that by telling your H would help. Not only does he deserve to know the truth, but it would give you an ice cold splash of reality and something OTHER than the relationship with the OM to focus on.

Right now your focus is on getting over him and feeling better and moving on etc.. Tell H and your focus will most definatly be him and your M and doing whatever you can to keep it together and eventually working together to better it. It takes the fantasy right out of the A.

The other thing would be to see an individual counselor. Learning how to love yourself and fill yourself emotionally is a wondeful life skill. It gives you strength to back your words with actions.

The feelings of love you had for OM where chemical. The body releases these chemicals to give feelings of euphoria. I miss these feelings myself. Not necessarily for my WW either. Right now, I would not mind these feelings for any "right" woman.

Very natural response. By your recognition of this, I am pleased at the level of maturity you realized regarding love through all of this. Congratulations. I am seeing that my WW is finally recognizing the same thing.

WW and I are doing much better now. I am playing the courting game with her now. I guess I will see where this goes.

BTW: Did you ever tell your H about this and if not, do you ever plan on telling him?

I love you guys!!! Thank you so much for your responses. I've just posted on my other thread with details about why I've decided that this isn't the time to tell my H. I'd love to know what you guys think.

As an update, though, I wanted to share that any feelings I had for OM are history. I've learned that he was not the man I thought he was and when I look back on it, I can't believe I loved him so much. Now I feel stupid, used, and cheap. But I'm working on my M and family now and will never again let him draw me into his sickening web. I will see him on Friday and have no fear of wanting him again. I've finally emerged from the fog and, while I still miss those feelings that he once brought out in me, he will never again be able to do that because I could never trust him or believe what he says again.

As for how my husband can fill that need, I'm not sure. It is a rush feeling adored by someone else...but not worth the heartache and pain that it causes.

I really am alright...feeling better everyday, especially because OM no longer has this hold on me! I thank you guys so much for your continued support and advice!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Neverthought

I'm glad you are able to realize that its the rush of feelings you miss and not the OM per se. Its an important thing to know. Knowing that gives you the chance to find those same feelings with your spouse. I am the BS, and my hope is that someday my husband will see that I am the best one to turn to to get that rush of feelings. I am trying very hard but it is hard sometimes thinking it will never be enough. Your story gives me hope that people can find their way out of the cycle of addiction to that rush of feelings. There are many deeper things than the initial rush of a relationship. I hope you discover these with your spouse.

Luci

NT,

I am not trying to be sarcastic with you or harsh, but I feel you are deluding yourself.

You do miss the feelings. So what are you going to do?

It seems you are going back to boring old H. He will be there, and he will be the same, and he won't bring you those feelings. But you will sacrafice yourself and your need for these feelings for your children, and your marriage, because you cannot face what you have done. It sounds noble, it sounds like it is the right thing to do, BUT:

It is very likely going to end your marriage or certainly turn your marriage into one of convenience. Why? One thing that Harley points out is that sacrifice made on the part of one person for another WITHOUT POJA leads to resentment and resentment kills marriages.

Now it is true your H's response to knowing about the affair is that he may leave or he may have so much resentment that effectively the marriage simply turns to one of convenience. However, it also may be true and is frequently the case around here, that this news will cause great pain, but great growth on the part of both of you.

It is a risk to tell, but it may well be a larger risk NOT to tell.

You see you know the "uniqueness" of the marriage is gone. Your H will feel it if he hasn't already. But whether he knows or not, the vows have been broken and he cannot rely on you as he thinks he can. You can argue that you have seen the light, and hopefully you have, but you cannot argue that you will respect, and be honest with your H from now on, because you cannot do that and keep this secret. You cannot even go for counseling for fear of him finding out. Time will tell.

I think it might tell sooner than you think. School starts and right now you are indignant about how your OM treated you, but you do miss those feelings, and he WILL say the right words, and you will be strongly tempted and just struggling with the temptation will cause your marriage to move to the back burner again.

I apologize for this being such a negative post, but I don't think you are protecting who you think.

Frankly, you are not protecting your H, your children, your marriage, heck you are not even protecting yourself. The only person that is really being protected is the OM.

Yup, it will hurt your H deeply to hear this news, and it may end your marriage. But, you know what your H is very likely going to hear the news. When your really reject OM, there is no telling who he will tell or what he will say. Or perhaps he will just move on to another woman, and be caught by his W (if he is married, I think he is), then he confesses to all and your H finds out.

NT, this really isn't YOUR secret to keep any longer. At least one other person knows and perhaps more suspect.

Frankly, I am torn. If you can/could pull this off and keep it a secret, and you could find that passion for your H, and your H somehow figures out that you have needs he is unaware of, then I guess all of the "benefits" of the affair can be had without the cost. But, I am skeptical.

All I will say to you, is that the people here will do their best to help, whether you tell or not. That I do know for sure.

God Bless,

JL