The weekend started out great. I suggested that WH and I go camping (big recreation need for him). We had a great time and did a very difficult hike the next day. My WH laughed more than his has in months and admitted that he had fun. Last night we had planned to go to a concert with two friends. Within five minutes of arriving we ran smack into OW who was seated in front of us.

I did OK even though I saw that WH was staring at her periodically throughout the evening.

At the end of the evening I told him that I knew it had been hard for him and that it was awkward for me but I was ok. His response was that he really did have a good time camping, but that this evening really reminded him how hard it all was/he is confused/not in love with me. I got on the bus home and read until I fell asleep. He did not call to see that I made it home ok (hour long bus ride at 11:00 at night).

I am really at the end of my rope. I am thinking I need to go to some form of plan B. They still work together and he is still depressed and she is a constant reminder of an escape/fantasy life. I do not find any advice in SAA on what to do after the affair has ended but there is still contact, WH is still in a state of confusion/depression.

plan A after A has ended

unsureheart,

So sorry to hear all this. In SAA, Dr. Harley emphasizes that contact with the OP turns the recovery clock back to zero. Considering that your WH works with the OW and has regular contact, it is not surprising that he is still depressed and confused. Dr. Harley does advise changing jobs, moving away etc. if continued contact is a problem. It's like an alcoholic going to bars. The constant temptation is the worst thing in the world. I would ask you about a job change but until your H commits to reconciliation, he is probably not going to be interested in achieving NC via a job change, right?

Thanks yank -- No, my WH is not considering a job change. I wish OW would leave, but I don't think that is going to happen either. My WH still believes that the A wasn't the problem so doesn't believe that continued professional contact is a problem either. When we get away/have time together things start to seem somewhat normal (although I'm not even sure what that is anymore) and then he goes back to work or we see her someone and he is back in the fog.

He did not end the A. The OW did because he was waffling/a cake-eater.

My lovebank is draining very fast. I have done a really solid plan A with no lovebusters and trying to meet all of his needs (admiration, recreation, no SF/he's not interested).

They always say, "the affair wasn't the problem. It was all these things that existed before the affair. Therefore, we would have broken up anyway." Voila! Having the affair was not the reason for the marital discord. It was simply a symptom of our problems, most of which we're probably the fault of the BS. It's a very neat way of deluding themselves into thinking that putting all their efforts, affection, time, romance etc. into another person did not cause their relationship with their S to suffer. It would have happened anyway. Yeah, right. He is DEFINITELY deluding himself if he says consistent contact with the OW is not negatively affecting your chances of reconciliation. If you have done as effective a job of Plan A as you say, it may certainly be time for Plan B. As you know, the purpose of Plan A is not to convince the WS to end the affair and reconcile. If your WH is fence sitting, I believe something (Plan B) is necessary to "knock him off". If your love bank is draining, that is a valid reason to Plan B. Good luck.

Yank -- I know you are right and I know I've done a good plan A. He keeps commenting on all the positive changes (although he also says it intimidates him that I am able to be positive and make changes for the better). Both SAA and Divorce Remedy say that I shouldn't let on that I am anything but upbeat, but I also wonder since he says he's intimidated by my changes if I shouldn't indicate that yes I am making positive changes, but no I am not thrilled/happy all the time.

I know I am making progress with him because things have gotten so much better in July and August. I feel like we are stuck in a holding pattern though because every time he sees OW he gets depressed again.

unsureheart,

His claim that your changes are intimidating fall under the heading of "Yes and your point would be....?" I think his claim is another smokescreen thrown up to delay coming off the fence. They'll say whatever works in order to delay that dreaded decision. I know you would like to have a satisfactory answer to the question, "How do we reconcile when my H has regular contact with the OW?" I don't know the answer to that. I just know, like I said, that Dr.Harley says each time there's contact, the clock goes back to zero. He's not vague on that. He states it pretty emphatically. I'm facing the same thing. Me and my WW are making little real progress because she continues to have contact. I think it's a bigtime relationship killer. As long as contact continues, both of us will be in a loooong holding pattern, I'm afraid to say. If you can think of something I have overlooked, please let me know.

It's definitely a stuck in a rut situation with no real conclusion at this point. Had to attend a fundraiser with WH. He paid almost no attention to me. I truly do not know how to do my job without encountering WH or OW. I feel pretty hopeless and just want to pack it in and move. I don't feel as if anything I do makes a difference. My boss just tells me to get on with my life and not pay attention to what is happening. I don't feel supported by anyone in what I am trying to do/keep my marriage in tct. It just seems pointless.

I think he should understand HOW you felt, how you are feeling.
You know, in my case, one of the questions my WW asked me which left me litterally speechless was: "why is that such a big problem for you if I continue contact with OM?" un-bel-eiv-a-ble.
You WS might feel the same, like "what's the big deal about it? she is happy with herself, she isnt *****-ing about it, so why shall I change?"
Once more, recent events have proven me (and Harley's concept) absolutely right: contact with OP and recovery/trust are mutually exclusive.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

I think he should understand HOW you felt, how you are feeling.
You know, in my case, one of the questions my WW asked me which left me litterally speechless was: "why is that such a big problem for you if I continue contact with OM?" un-bel-eiv-a-ble.
You WS might feel the same, like "what's the big deal about it? she is happy with herself, she isnt bitc%hing about it, so why shall I change?"
Once more, recent events have proven me (and Harley's concept) absolutely right: contact with OP and recovery/trust are mutually exclusive

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:33 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Thanks Nick as always -- I think it may be time to go to some type of plan B or 180 (Divorce Remedy) due to the fact that my lovebank is draining quickly every day. My WH doesn't seem to want to do anything that would improve the situation. I have been pretty upbeat, but it's getting harder and harder.

He's happy when I initiate doing something like camping, hiking, biking etc and we have a good time. Then, nothing. He never initiates any kind of activity. Up until this Sunday he did call me every night to ask how my day was/did I get home ok/was everything ok/anything I needed help with around the house, etc. He hasn't called in either the morning or evening since our evening out with the OW.

I'm tired of making all of the effort. Boy do I sound whiney today. I have determined that I am not going to initiate the recreational activity this weekend and see if he calls. I made plans to go to another concert on Saturday with 3 female friends and will arrange some kind of hiking or biking activity with other friends. I'm not ready to go to plan B, but I need a break from dealing with WH's depression and inconsistent behavior.

WH just called and asked if he could meet me after work for a hike. Don't know what to think, but said that sounds fine.