I'm going to try and make this short. My story is in Just Found Out but I need some help. We've been married 16 years and have a 9 yr old daughter. Hubby started having an affair and left the house to live with his mom. He was out the house for 85 days during which time I was doing Plan A. Had phone contact with him almost daily and there have been 3 or 4 times of him expressing a desire to return home. Last Saturday he called and said he wanted to come home that he ended the A. Well he started going through withdrawal and by Thursday, 5 days later he slept out the house and was with her. By Saturday I told him that if he didn't want to be home he was welcome to leave but I let him know of how much pain he has caused me and his daughter. He has read most of the Surving An Affair book, has listened to the audio cassettes of His Needs/Her Needs so he is showing an interest in fixing our marriage but he can't kick this OW habit. At this point, since he left us again on Sunday, I'm thinking that maybe it's time for Plan B. This hurts greatly because I'm afraid that out of sight out of mind will push him further from me but I don't know what to do. He and the OW constantly fight and I'm meeting his EN of love, caring, compassion an his spiritual needs while she is meeting others. He said he's willing to look at the MB stuff on EN and LBs and to talk to a counselor but he is not home and I know he will continue to see her. Do I plan B or keep up with Plan A??? Help please.

up

pain and faith,

How were things while he was back home? Interesting that he left to live with mom, not OW. I'll check out your other posts since I'm not familiar with your particular circumstances.

Have you read Luck's post "lies or omissions?"?
Situations are not exactly the same and it's a long thread, but you have to give the gal credit, she's one tough cookie!

It's no fun and not fair to be the only one trying to do what's right. Sometimes we have to do it anyway.

I hope someone more knowledgable than me will post.

BW

I allowed my FWS to come several times, she would then go through withdraws and going running back to OM. Implementing a combination of Plan A and Plan B worked for me... Plan B all the time except when WS makes contact with you, then switch to PLan A. Every situation is different,but this worked for me.
Take care,
Dave

P&F,
It sounds to me like you need to Plan A still, improve it, make it a solid Plan A and somewhat longer.
If your H agrees to MCing, great, get him into it, hopefully with an MB practitioner. Do the EN and LB questionnaire exercises, and with guidance, implement the findings.
As you go though this process, your H will begin to see that you are better, that you can and want to meet his needs, and perhaps that will give him the strngth to end the A permanently.
Only then, after you've done all of this, if he still keeps the A going, should you think of Plan B. JMHO, of course.

I plan Aed for a solid 6 months, (starting about 4-5 months after DDay), during which we had counseling with Steve Harley, EN/LBQ, etc. and I only went to Plan B after I exhausted all of theose options. Plan B is hard, it may not work, and to go there is to risk the end of the marriage. So don't take it lightly.

When hubby came back home for the week he was good the first day but the minute the OW called and he tried to tell her it was over he just withdrew from me. He claims he's willing to go for counseling but I don't know how true that is. He called Dr. Harley on the radio show yesterday and said that our relationship grew stale and that there is nothing between us anymore. He told my daughter last Wednesday, before he slept out the house, that he only came home because of her. I believe this is the fog talking but the reason I've thought of Plan B is because maybe he still doesn't understand what life without me would mean and I don't want him to destroy the love that I have for him. With the last episode of him coming home and then sleeping out with her that about depleted the Love Bank account. So should I truly stick with Plan A if he shows an interest in counseling and if he doesn't should I then go to Plan B??

I've been keeping my distance from him. I've not called him. I just found out yesterday that he maxed out one of our cards that he just got two weeks ago. In two weeks time he took out almost $1500 in cash advances. I had his daughter hand him an envelope yesterday telling him about this and giving him the statement. He told me to take his entire next paycheck to help pay for things. Since I'm trying not to have contact with him I was trying to leave the Martial Arts center right away and he said to me, I was reading the anniversary card you gave me (our anniversary was in Feb so I guess that's a good sign that he picked that up to read it now). He then called several times to so call speak to my daughter. We were not home but I saw his number on the caller ID. I had his daughter call him and he asked her where we were. He then told her to tell me that he still loves me - go figure. In any event, I think I'm just going to stay away. I will not send the Plan B letter yet - I'm just going to stay back and lay low and see what that does.

up