I have been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks, but this is the first time I have posted. Reading these posts has been very helpful for me to deal with this terrible time but everyone's situation is unique. It seems like everyone on here is very supportive of each other, so I thought I would share my story with the hope of some good advice. Here is a breif summary: DDay for me was 5/13/02. That night my WW confessed to a EA & PA with a co-worker. She claims that they never had sex but fooled around quite a few times and this whole thing started in the fall of 2001. (I still don't know what to beleive). She moved out the Saturday b4 Memorial Day. She claims that the PA is over, but they are co-workers and she has admitted to talking to him outside of work so an EA could possibly still be going on. She admits that she has feelings for OM but does not love him. This all started with EN that OM met (mainly affection) and that I was not giving her. As for WW's feeling for me, she says that she still loves me but not as much as she used to and she doesn't want to come back until she loves me with her whole heart. This is so frustrating to me because I can't understand how she can fall back in love with me if we don't see each other that often and live together. I have told her that I will work hard to give her the EN that she craves and I think that I have demonstrated this when we do see each other. But her response is that it might be good for a while, but that I will just go back to my old ways after a while. I can't make her beleive otherwise. I love her and miss her terribly and want her back now. I have never been a real patient man. I have been trying Plan A and I think that I have been doing a good job, and she admits that things are getting better between us. But she also admits that she enjoys her independance of being on her own and doing her own thing when she wants. I have to admit that this scares me that she may never come back. Anyway, I know that is a lot of ramblings, but she is coming over to the house tonight and I am making supper for her. I plan on continuing Plan A by not using any LB, but sometimes I wonder if this can even work when we are seperated and only see each other occasionally. I would also like her to start making some kind of committment, otherwise this arrangement could go on forever with out any resolution. I know that she has only been gone for almost 3 months, but it feels like 3 years for me. Anyway, just looking for advice. Wish me luck tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2510:
<strong>This all started with EN that OM met (mainly affection) and that I was not giving her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, again,

I responded to your other thread and I don't know if I missed this on the other one or if it just popped out at me on this one.

This is a very big clue for you. You know what was wrong in the marriage that led your W to seek the A. You are not the blame for her A, but this is what led to the A.

Is your W open to you at all right now? Would you be able to start meeting this need for her? I think this goes along the lines that I wrote in the other thread and dating your W.

What do you think? Any ideas on how you can be affectionate... toss them out here!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi 2510,

I'm glad to see you found MB and have gone through alot of material and are trying to put it to work for your M. At the same time I'm sorry to see you here because most of us know the feelings you have and how difficult it can be to cope. That being said, let's see what we can do...

First, it's not clear why she moved out. Was this done on her own decision because of a fight, etc.? Where is she living now? How can you be sure, or why do you believe the PA is over?

As I'm sure you've already guessed, her still working w/ the OM is a very, very bad sign even after the A is over. Only under extremely rare circumstances has recovery been successful while the parties still work together. It sounds to me as though she is "fence sitting" (not exactly sure what to do). This is probably why you hear "she loves you, but not as much as she used to." While she continues to work with OM you will continue to see that her judgement is clouded - AT BEST!

It sounds like there is good and bad news in your story. The bad news is, I get the impression the A (EA & PA) is ongoing and has not wound down as your being led to believe.

The good news is, it sounds as though you are doing many of the right things and it seems as though she does listen to what you say but fears the past. Changing her mind is difficult as I went through the same difficulties with my W. She feared everything would go back to the way it was. My answer was, "with committment, counseling and education it cannot go back, it can only move forward," and there have only been rare instances of looking back in the past year. Have you suggested counseling with the Harley's or another counselor and would she participate?

As far as speeding thing up, that will be difficult to do as she will not make a move until she is ready too. Although you can help this along by Plan A. Let her see good positive changes in you, let her see there should be no fear that your M can be better than it ever was - and it can.

Keep up the good work, and I hope it goes well for you tonight...

MITT

Hey Free2BMe and MITT. Thanks for your responses.

Hey Free2BMe and MITT. Thanks for your responses.

I'll give you a little more background about our seperation. When WW moved out, she stated that she needed her space from both OM and me. This happened about a week and a half after DDay. She is currently living accross town in an apartment that has a month to month lease (this is somewhat of a positive).

As far as the PA being over, this is what she has told me. But how can I really be sure? She told me not long after she moved out that it was over. How can I be so sure? This is something that I really struggle with. Since we are seperated, how do I know what she is doing with her free time? When we do get together, I want to come out and ask her if the A is truly over but I don't want to ruin things. About a week and a half ago WW told me that OM is fairly close to taking another job. This would be fantastic. Although OM would still be in the same town that we live in, at least they would not see each other every day. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. Should I ask WW if A is truly over and if OM has taken the other job?

I think the assessment of "fence sitting" is probably dead on with WW. I have suggested counseling many times to her, but all I ever get is "I'll think about it" and it has yet to happen. What I truly want is for both of us to go together, but she says she wants to deal with this by herself.

As far as last night, I thought it went very well. She came over and I made her supper (one of both of our favorite dishes). After supper we laid on the couch together and cuddled and watched TV. I scratched her back and she played with my hair (this is one of the first times that she actually met one of my EN for affection since the seperation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I have also been working out and she told me that I looked really good. We didn't really talk about any of our problems, but simply talked about what was going on in our lives. Towards the end of the night I told her that I loved her and missed her and that when she comes back, this is something that we have to do on a regular basis. We both agreed that we were both at falt for not making time for each other b4. I think it was a very good night. I did not use any LB. We talked about getting together again later this week. But I have to admit when she left, it really sucked to go to bed alone again. This morning I called her b4 she went to work to give her a goodbye "kiss" and to tell her that I had a fun time last night. I hope that I am not being too smuthering.

I truly do think things are getting better, just not at the pace that I am wanting. Thanks for your advice. Anymore would be greatly appreciated and I will keep in touch.

I am really feeling the urge to call my WW at work just to say hi and to see how her day is going. But since I spent a couple hours with her last night and even called her tonight, I don't want to come on as overbearing. I also thought about just leaving a message on her cell phone that she will get later. I'm not sure what to do? Any suggestions?

My opinion is that it will seem like overbearing and needy to her for you to call her at work today since you saw her so recently. I would act cool and confident. Happy to see or talk to her when she calls, but just a little bit unavailable. Make yourself a bit more mysterious. My opinions only. Your Mileage May Vary!

ST

You are probably right. I will hold off on the call for today and just look forward to the next time we will get together. We tentavely made plans to get together later this week.