I haven't read much about Plan A....I just always assumed it was something BS's did to try to get WS's to commit to marriage, etc. I see this is probably my first mistake...I have so many books to read...I don't know where to start. I am the WW...what would me doing the Plan A do for my marriage? I want to make things better...and H won't come here....

I'd appreciate any info you can give....I have read so much stuff on this site..there is so much to take in..that I get quite overwhelmed..and was wondering if someone could give me a high level explanation...if I think it would help...I will be glad to read as much about Plan A as I can find!

Thanks so much!

YellowRose

Yellow Rose

I am in the same boat - WH here - some here have encouraged me to try Plan A to get my W to work on the M or tell me to take a hike.

Anything you hear would be helpful to me - I don't know what a WS plan A would look like - if anyone has ideas - I'd love them too.

Hello YellowRose and HR,

Well, technically the plan A and Plan B are for the BS to use in trying to get the WS to attempt recovery. Since you two are the WS's, then I think you need to look at the intent of plan A.

It is supposed to be a plan of introspection, seeing where you failed (LB's, meeting needs, that sort of thing). It is supposed to be about YOU and not so much about the spouse.

What should be accomplished: You should learn what your spouse considers an LB and avoid them. You should learn what needs your spouse has and do your best to meet them. If the spouse is accomodating (and a BS is more likely so) then the both of you should fill out the questionaire and discuss the answers between the two or you. Here is where the idea of the Policy of Joint Agreement really counts.

In addition to Plan A, I think you need to consider Harley's four rules for a marriage: time, protection, care, and honesty. Please read about them.

So given this do you see why people suggest plan A? I think it suggests that you want to work on the marriage and you will do so by first learning more about your spouse, learning about yourself, and avoiding saying and doing things that are LB's. Not a bad idea for any marriage really, no matter where everyone stands within it.

Further, as you learn about your needs, and you see how to handle LB's, I think you will be in better shape to help your spouse get through this period. Most BS's don't immediately acknowledge that they had a role in the state of the marriage, but many do. You will have to address the issue that the affair was totally your decision.

IN any event, I hope this helps some. The recommendation as you noted is a little strange, but the idea I think is for you to work on the marriage and help your spouse recover. They will very likely start to respond and help you as well.

God Bless,

JL

YR & hr,

I second what JL says.

There have been other WS's who did plan A that you might find by doing a search or maybe someone else could identify who they are.

As a BS, I would LOVE to have been plan A'd. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There is a lot here, but well worth the effort.

God Bless,

D.

hopelessromantic - it's a tough spot, isn't it....to know that not only did you violate your vows before God, family, and friends...but also that you have caused utter devastation and heartache in those closest to you? I still can't believe I did it...I wake up each morning hoping it has just been a bad dream...I can't even begin to imagine how much it has impacted my H and his thoughts morning, noon, and night....

I am weary of trying to working on the M by myself. I want to do what I can to ensure that I don't violate my vows ever again and that I try to do what I can to make amends to my H. He may never let me do that...it may be too late. I just can't go on like this. I don't want to leave anything to chance and ever assume that it won't happen again.

JL - I am trying to take responsibilty and make this work/planning more about me...and not about him...it is very hard sometimes...especially with the abuse...that is why I was hoping maybe with a Plan A....I could help reinforce looking only at me and where I have failed..or come up short..and how I can better meet his needs...even when I don't feel like it (i.e. like after hours of emotional abuse...and borderline physical abuse)....

I had figured out from what most said that doing a Plan A would be about me..and not about him...I appreciate you confirming this for me. It is what I'm looking for.

I'm pretty disheartened about my M and its chances for any type of recovery. I want to do what I can to make it better..and give it a chance..failing that, I want to never do anything like this ever again to another human being.

WillGetThruThis - thanks for the comments...if you hear of any WS that did a Plan A...let me know. I have tried some initial searches on this...with some of the names of WS's that I have seen posting on here..but haven't come up with anything yet.

Thanks everyone for your comments...if anyone else has anything to add...please do! I am also interested in hearing from BS's who did abuse their spouses emotionally and mentally...did anything your WS do finally help you stop this without it seeming like your WS was finger-pointing or attempting deflection from their own issues...I'm at a loss here, folks..

YellowRose,

About the abuse, if it is physical you should consider leaving. If it is him blowing off steam, then you need to set boundaries. Yup, Plan A allows and encourages boundaries, the difference is that they should be discussed and set in as non-LB way as possible. Nevertheless, they need to be set and clearly.

I can offer just a suggestion, and hopefully you will be able to do much better than my suggestion. Let's say he is doing a lot of yelling and name calling.

At some point when things are calm, tell him:

"H I need to talk to you about something and I need you to simply listen to me."
"Your yelling at me is not making the fact that I had an A go away. However, it is making me feel like going away. I realize you are very hurt, but what you don't realize is that you are damaging my ability to make amends for what I did. You are damaging my ability to love you.

Now if you don't care if I make amends, and you don't care that I am sorry and will do all I can to help you, then you simply need to say so and we can discuss what needs to be done."

"If the abuse continues, then you are going to force to do something I don't want to do."

I would leave it at that. It is not a treat, there is no promise, but you are telling him you will react. I wouldn't say leave him unless you are willing to do that. But, you need to tell him calmly that you understand his hurt and anger, but you cannot function in this environment.

You see it makes no difference if you are the BS or the WS, little is accomplished by this type of interaction. If he still has anger, go buy him a punching bag and put it up outside or the garage, put a smiley face on it, and your name and tell him he can have at it, but not at you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

YellowRose, often these situations require resourcefullness and a sense of humor, although there is little funny about the situation. You have indeed hurt him deeply, as you know that is your fault. But the state of the marriage before your A, and the state of the marriage now are as much under his control as they are under yours. He needs to hear this, he needs to make decisions.

I don't mean to be heartless, but in setting your boundaries so things need to be clear (you won't tolerate it, you will do your best to help him are two key messages).

Hope something I said will be of help.

God Bless,

JL

JL - thanks for your suggestions...I really want to try them ASAP...

Regarding the abuse being physical...it just recently became physical last week. I was 1 1/2 hours late getting back from a business dinner. As soon as I walked in the door...he started raging at me. I left the room and went into the bathroom...more yelling ensued...I replied..and he came busting through the bathroom door..backed me up against the shower door and proceeded to continue yelling at me. I have told H before that he scares me when he rages and yells at me..and that I have always felt bullied by him when he does this. I have told him this for years and years...way before the A ever happened. He is almost 6'4"...I am 5'6"...he is very physically intimidating..but it is the look of utter hate and rage on his face that terrifies me the most...I absolutely lost it and started to panic. I grew up with 3 brothers and learned early on that if you are cornered...you fight back like a wild thing to get out of that corner. I struck out at him first...shoot, actually...I was more flailing around wildly in a desperate attempt to get him to back off...he backed off and then shoved me...so I struck out again...he smacked me across my head/face and knocked me to the ground. I just lay there with my face pressed against the floor...crying...wondering what in the hell am I doing in this M...with this H? I'm sorry...I know as a WS I should be more repentant...but it was hard to find anything inside myself that night about trying to be a better W or making amends...

He then threw the phone down next to me...and said 'go ahead, call the police..have them haul me off like I know you want to...'...he also told me he bet I was glad that I finally 'made him do that'...I guess he thinks I'm looking for some 'ammunition' for my side since after I confessed to my lies, etc....he kept threatening to divorce me..take the kids...and ask for extra child support and spousal support in order to punish me...This is not some sort of game that I'm playing!! I don't want to play..this is not about...let's see who can get the other....I'm sick of it...and just typing this....I am feeling sick to my stomach...

I'm at a loss here...I read all the posts from the BS...and I just cry....so many BS's are almost ready to break down because they want their WS even after knowing everything they have done...and are willing to love them...and treat them so well if only they will recommit..and ensure NC..and then we have some of us WS's...some of our BS's..not only will they not forgive...after we have met their conditions..and are truly remorseful..and willing to work on the M...they want to punish...and belittle...and generally..in my opinion...get even. What kind of life will that be for either of us? How bout for the kids?

I am willing to make additional changes...like ensuring I'm not late again if at all possible..making sure my cell phone is charged at all times...turning down business dinner invites..even though boss is female also...and calling if going to be late...but hard to hear the fears..and address them when I am condemned before I even walk in the door..and then everything that took place after...

Each time I get myself to a place where I can open my heart to H...and feel anything towards him...his abuse..and LB'ing just sap the life out of me...no, I don't want to immediately run to the OM's arms...I don't want anything to do with the OM EVER again..but that is a diff story...I don't want any man in my life ever again at this rate!! I feel myself giving up. I usually just walk around my house in a daze..I'm numb when Hhe is around. That is why I am looking at Plan A as a type of salvation for my sanity at least...and to refocus me...on me..

I'm sorry to ramble on...I'm just incredibly sad...and sometimes..like when I was laying on the floor the other night...it's like I hear a little voice that whispers that I deserve this for what I did..and I just grow cold inside.

God Bless,

YellowRose

OK YellowRose,

First, don't ever hit your H. You may be frightened but he apparently can control himself with regard to physical violence, breaking a door is not violence against you. But, when you strike him in that situation, you are getting yourself in big trouble.

If you cannot control your emotions how can he control his? I am not excusing him, but you cannot strike a very angry man and expect to not get a response.

Now I am going to tell you something and I hope it helps. I am your H's size (at least height wise), and probably a bit bigger. So listen to this carefully. He probably has no idea how much he intimidates you. Yes, you have told him, but he probably suspects that you are just trying to intimidate him. I can say this because I don't think of myself as a large man. My view of myself is pretty average. After all there surely were larger men around when I college football and basketball.

So when you approach him about his, you need to take into account that he may not really understand why and what you see, because he sees himself differently. I once had an employee, a male, who really screwed something up. I was really really mad at him and let him know in no uncertain terms. He was petrified. Let later I heard from another guy he was afraid I was going to hit him. It had never ever crossed my mind.

You and H need to talk about this. You made a bad mistake hitting him, but if you look at his response you will see something else. He feels powerless, that you are manipulating him, and that you really want him out of the picture. Hence the statement call the police. What you are hearing and seeing is his tremendous insecurity.

Talk with him. Tell him what your goals are. You want to rebuild the marriage. You want a marriage where you are not afraid of him, just as he wants a marriage where he isn't afraid of you.

He will probably bristle at that. If he does, then ask him why he gets so abusive? why he thinks you are out to get him? why he yells in anger when really he is in such pain?

You need to tell him that when he is done and the images are getting to him, he needs to come talk with you and you will do your best to be there for him.

Both of you need counseling badly, and none of us here are really qualified. But YR, you need to address both his behavior and yours with regard to the physical stuff. Further, don't run when he is mad. Sit down in a chair and just look at him and then ask him if you could help him. Defuse the situation don't pour gas on it.

He is going through a lot, but as I said in an earlier post you can and should set boundaries. If you don't feel safe leave and tell him why you are leaving. But, I suspect that perhaps if this is the one and only time for the physical stuff that it can be prevented if YOU don't lose your cool as well and become physical with him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You might want to consider apologizing to him for striking out. If you do, don't even think about using the "but" word in the apology. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just I am sorry for what I did.