I am sure most of you are loosing patience with me and my swing of emotions. I feel so dead inside. I have wiped the slate clean with my WH vowing never to talk of the A again only about our relationship or lack there of.

I wish he had not manipulated myself or my girls. I was so content when I finally had the guts to ask him to leave. The thought of being alone was so much better than the pain I had inside. But again, now I just feel dead inside. It really does not matter anymore if he is there or not. I won't beg for attention.

I kept waiting for WH to hit rock bottom so he would realize the hurt we all feel him, OW, Kids and myself. I am the one who hit rock bottom. I know now the only way he will leave is if I file for divorce which I am not ready for. I am stuck with no self respect or dignity left.

My S told me yesterday that he knew it was not my fault. I may have been a B**ch sometimes but dad is no angel. He said his dad had a choice. It was his choice not mine. He said forget about it and live your life. You can't fix it only dad can. Out of the mouth of babes...

RNRoscoe sorry to hear your pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It sounds like your LB$ are completely gone and therefore you aren't in any Plan A. Your emotional needs clearly aren't being met either.

It seems your H is in complete denial about the A and it's effect. You say you are not ready for divorce. So are you thinking about Plan B at all?

Its doubtful to me that you can sustain any long period of time as is? Have you been to MC at all?

Ben.

Yes, I see MC on Monday. If you haven't read my other post, Plan B was to begin Friday last week however, my D's begged me to give dad another chance. I caved. I want no guilt or regrets even though I know this will hurt in long run. He still has contact with OW saying that he need to support her through her D and then he will break it off in his own time other wise he will resent me for making him do something he is not ready for. He swears no sex since June and that his desire for her is not worth what he has to loose. He does not want to move out because he does not want to send a sign to OW that our M is over, like it is not, and he does not want OW to have unlimited access to him in an envirornment like a private apartment.

He has been trying to fill my LB but I am the problem. It is not enough. All the tender and sweet things he does I feel like he is paying me off so he can continue the "relationship" as he calls it. I can not make him understand that I cannot tolerate a friendship that was once sexual and passionate. He is guilty about OW's mess and his. I just think I am mentally spent and not able to make any kind of decission at all.

RNROSCOE

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish some men were stronger and able to resist temptation. I can empathize with your emotions. I too confronted my husband about his behavior but since he will not admit to anything but friendship for these women, he can still rationalize somewhere in his head that its okay. His relationships are all online but he doesnt seem to understand that when he types words of love to someone else, it also hurts. He does it and simultaneously looks at me and says he loves me. He comes over and gives me a kiss. I just sit here and think what is wrong with him?? I have only known for a little while and I can see how much it drains the life out of me to watch this. Just when I think its getting better, I snoop a little and see it hasn't stopped at all. It seems your husband is rationalizing too. It does seem hopeful that he doesnt want to leave you. Like you I find it hard to understand why he would persist when he knows it risks your love. I hope your day gets better and your husband has an epiphamy and starts to see through the fog. I hope the same for mine.

Luci

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RNROSCOE:
<strong>Yes, I see MC on Monday. If you haven't read my other post, Plan B was to begin Friday last week however, my D's begged me to give dad another chance. I caved.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well then that's sensible, perhaps you aren't ready yet for Plan B which is good. Hopefully some real benefit will come from MC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I want no guilt or regrets even though I know this will hurt in long run.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is also very sensible and important for your peace of mind in the long run. I had this view when my W left for a period.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He still has contact with OW saying that he need to support her through her D and then he will break it off in his own time other wise he will resent me for making him do something he is not ready for.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally I don't like the sound of this. It's a pretty feeble excuse imho. He is putting her before you and also threatening you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He swears no sex since June and that his desire for her is not worth what he has to loose.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like he wants his cake and ... Perhaps he is in withdrawal? The sentence seems to suggest he still has feelings for OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He has been trying to fill my LB but I am the problem. It is not enough.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would respectfully disagree. I think his continued contact is the problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>All the tender and sweet things he does I feel like he is paying me off so he can continue the "relationship" as he calls it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly, he should be in NO CONTACT if he is to make it work with you but he is not there yet.

Harley says that no contact is vital for recovery and this is what is missing for you. Clearly it will drain you both emotionally and physically.

Perhaps you could try and take some time out and do some things for yourself to help? I am sending you a {{{hug}}} and am thinking of you. I must dash to work now so don't get here as often as when I was on night's but will check in tomorrow morning.

Hopefully some more helpful MB'ers will also advise you. Take care and look after yourself because there's not a lot you can do to shift your H just yet. Ben.

He admits an attraction and feelings for OW that he can't explain. He doesn't know what it is. He cannot leave our life. He wants time to work it out but the pressure from me is less than OW at this point. As she nears her divorce date, I am sure things will heat up as far as her wanting him to commit. He says he doesn't want to leave his family for hers.

Thanks for the support. At least I don't feel so stupid for caving. I want resolve but it isn't coming fast enough. I have made myself believe it was over because things were good at home. Finding out there was still contact has burst my bubble. I can't feel anymore that is why no decission is a must for me. I need to keep busy until the strong feelings of wanting him or not return so that I can act this time with more strength. I think I felt like I would disappoint my kids too much to follow through. I am hoping my confidence and strength returns.

Hi again RNR,

You should not feel stupid for caving, it means that your heart is in the right place. You are taking care of those important to you, namely the kids right now.

How are they reacting to this situation? They are older than my own so I am wondering if they are aware of your situation? Are you able to get your EN's met in your own way? or are you feeling like your situation is getting worse? Perhaps if that happens you will want to move to a Plan B situation?

Could OW's D act as the start of this by bringing pressure to bear on your H?

Whatever happens don't blame yourself and try and take good care of yourself and your kids too.

Ben.

Ben
You are just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling so guilty about not sticking to my guns. I know in my heart this is best for me now because I just can't think or feel anymore. My WH and I have one thing in common. We care deeply about our children. The in and out is too hurtful for them. I need to sit tight and wait until there in no question in my mind what is best.

Unfortunately they know the mess. They suspected before I because OW was always around when I wasn't. They have always disliked the OW even before the was a A. They have all expressed that they know what dad is doing is not right or fair to anyone. However, the 2 girls are young enough to want their daddy in the house. My S is another story. He appears to be the recipient of all my WH anger. He was the first to confront him and really doesn't care if he stays or leaves. He said something very profound to me though. He has a learning disability and has had it rough. He said his whole life his dad has told him that he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He said that "dad must get his consequences." He then said he did not want me to make a decission I would regret, let WH make the decission. He also said "Live your Life mom. The rest will come."

What an inspiration he was to me! His name is Ben too.

I feel better. My EN are being met however, I miss the affection a married couple shares and the intimacy. If we are to survive I know that will not be restored with the flip of a swith. WH has been kind and attentive to me though. He is very thoughtful and felt awful when I discovered him with her which was the cause of the LB fest last Friday. I was so disappointed that I flipped probably setting us back months.

WH said he had to see her thru the D. I kind of think that that will be the straw that broke the camel's back. OW divorced her H to marry my WH. He has not even file yet and has no plan to. I think the pressure will be on bigtime. He tells me that's why he won't move out. He does not want to be accessible to OW night and day. I do believe he wants our marriage but, does not know how to get out of this mess in addition to not being able to shut of feeling for her just like he cannot shut off feelings for me. I hope she applies pressure.

I have vowed not to speak of A anymore only about our future, his needs and mine in present text. If I get that feeling I write it down and rip it up. Seems to be working so far.

Thanks for letting me vent. This place keeps me sane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Good for you RNR,

I doubt that there's much you can do above what you are doing now. I personally this the OW D will continue to bring pressure to your H and force him to move positively.

Keep at it and take joy from your kids, they can be so helpful sometimes and we can fail to see it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ben.

Thanks. I feel good today. Very resolute in my decission. I know you are right about the OW pressure.

I did snoop though and got caught. I was looking at my WH pay stub. I felt stupid but he kind of laughed it off. Then he told me he had a get-away weekend planned for us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey I need one with or without him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. it is in October!