My WW found out my other screen name yesterday. I foolishly posted too many specifics on neverthought's thread. (She follows neverthought.) She read some negative things I wrote about her in "Could have guessed it - Love Bank Empty". In this thread, as well as some other threads, I jotted down everything negative I could think about my WW.

I believe I was looking at our relationship through stained glasses. These glasses were stained by our current situation, and how low my love bank is. In ways, because of me venting and the way I was feeling that day, I painted a very negative and unfair picture of my WW and said some things that were not true:

When I said she regualarly flirts with men. This is not true. Her intentions are not to flirt. It is her personality that makes it appear to some that she is flirting. I only had three people tell me this before, not many of my friends.

She only hit me three or four times and the latest event was at least four years or so ago. She has never hit me in the face, and when she nocked me down it was because she pushed me real hard it was not a hit.

When I said she rarely has been my wife, I was venting. She has been a good wife up until the affair and I was concetrating only on the negatives and warping reality a bit. My feelings about the marriage is that it has been great at least 70% of the time including this year since D-day.

Please accept my apologies for warping the truth on occassion about my WW and about myself. I guess when I vent and write about myself I tend to warp reality sometimes. I am not that great a person, and my wife says that I portray myself as a saint here. I am far from being a saint. I have treated my WW poorly over the years even so much so that she says that she says I make her feel bad about herself all the time.

I guess I have quite a bit to learn about myself and my problems.

It does not seem I can come here and be unbaised of my views of my situation, so I must say goodbye to all of you here. I also need to say goodbye because I am addicted to the support here.

You guys have been really good to me, and have helped me so much. I really appreciate all the help I have received here.

I do not think I will post again on this thread, but if you care to email me my address is chameleon_1234@hotmail.com.

Thanks again for helping me.

Chameleon/Dreamland

May I suggest that this is not a sensible thing to do? You have apologized here and that should be enough. All our views are in part tainted by our own situations.

Perhaps you should just take a couple of days out and regroup. You may be "addicted" to the support here as probably many of us are but that's probably because you need it.

Ben.

Chameleon/dreamland
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all here are in pain and just like our WS's have a difficult time admitting our mistakes. It is painful to think we did deeds that lead our WS to the point of an A. We need you like you need us. I would hope that your WS just like mine knows that sometimes hurt and anger rules. It drives us to the things we do. It doesn't make it right it just happens. Take care of yourself. Let yourself take a breather. Bear your soul to your WS. It is quite a revelation.

Oh chameleon, I am so sorry! I think we all are a little biased in how we relate our situations and that is understandable. You have lent me such support and good advice. I hate to see you go! Take care of yourself...

chamelon/dreamland,
We have no idea who your wife IS so there is no harm done. It's not like you have to come forth and "clear" her name because we didn't KNOW her name in the first place. You were only venting, which is a good thing that you should definately continue.

Personally, I would have a huge problem with my spouse stalking me on here and reading my posts. This is my place of refuge and support and that is where I would draw the line.

My personal opinion would be if you've asked her to "please not read my posts" (i.e. not demanding that she not post herself or read others'), and yet she still does, she's showing disrespect that should mean something to you... So I'd say, don't hide behind a different screen name, just come right out and put it on the table: "If you read my posts, despite me asking you not to, you aren't going to like what you see - because it's venting, and I have a right to do so."

I'd say the fact that she's here, trying to figure you out (i.e. "what's going through his head") shows that she has enough concern to essentially snoop on you. Good sign in a way...

DL; your W ahould realize that your leaving this site is a disservice to her, to her marriage, and to her husband. Regardless of whether you were entirely truthful or candid, have her look and find ONE INSTANCE when this forum did not suggest positive, creative, beneficial things to you or her.

You see, even if you'd come in here and told us the most horrific story of abuse, neglect, and all kinds of other things, we would STILL have recommended positive things and would not have judged her. Have her think about that and then decide if this is positive or not for your M.

Best of luck.

Dreamland/chameleon,
Please don't leave, and don't be so hard on yourself.

I started a thread here a few months ago, I may bump it back up.... about posting "as if" our spouses are reading. We never know if they are reading or not, presently, or in the future, or even the OP may be reading.

You shouldn't discount your FEELINGS and perceptions of the situation. You should REALIZE that's JUST what they are. But they are YOURS, and something caused you to make assumptions and draw conclusions. Our imaginations can run away with us sometimes. So we can all learn from you, that we should really be careful what we post, and how we word things. We should be open and honest with our spouses about our feelings and perceptions, but the way we word things is very important. That's something we should all learn in Plan A. Saying things like "IMO", "From my perspective, I see..." , "I feel like...", etc.

If you were posting things with the intention of manipulating your W, I think we would all have a problem with that. MB is not about manipulation. But that's not what you wre doing.

THere's nothing wrong with venting, and trying to sort through all this stuff. But we should keep in mind that ANYONE can be reading. Effective communication and problem-solving is all in the best delivery of the truth, or of your opinions and feelings.

Please don't leave. And we welcome Mrs. Dreamland to share with us here as well. I hope she will forgive you for your mistakes here, and will continue posting and reading.

Dear Dreamland's WIFE,

If I were you, I'd be checking in to see what types of responses your H gets to this post. On the off chance of that, please let me take this opportunity to say I can understand your hurt and anger at your H's actions. Venting is one thing, making up stories about you is a whole other.

He was wrong. That type of "venting" isn't constructive. But BS's, like WS's, don't always have the best judgement. We have a very hard time trying to portray just how much pain we are feeling. Sometimes we just want to hurt back in retaliation for what our WS is putting us through. We are not right in this but in it's own way, it is constructive. It allows us to find a way to let some of those hurtful, hateful feelings out of our system and brings us one step closer to recovering our desire to recover our M.

I think your H now understands the difference between venting and constructive venting. I would like to extend a very heartfelt invitation for BOTH you and your H to continue to come here. This is a public forum and you have just as much right to come here for support as your H does.

I suggest that even if you don't care to post, lurking is very informative and helpful. I post here and my H lurks. Well, actually he comes regularly to see what I've posted. I like it because it is a form of clear and honest communication for us. Later, we'll talk about what I posted. It's actually been a wonderful tool for us. He has my blessings to post too but hasn't felt a desire to. I love that he cares enough to come and see what I'm feeling or what I have got to say that day. (Hi Honey, I love you!). Somedays I say hurtful (but true) things about him. Somedays loving ones.

Bottom line is, yes, your H made an unconstructive mistake but I don't think there's a single person on a board like this that can claim innocence to that one. We've all said or done things we've later regretted. It took a great amount of courage (and I suspect love for you) for him to come back and admit it. I honor his effort, even if it was at your 'urging'.

Don't tell anyone who you are (ie. Dreamland's W) if you don't want to. Just start posting. And encourage him to continue to do the same. I credit this site to playing a huge part in helping to save my M. It is my sincere wish that it could prove as valuable to you.

E_C

chameleon,

You don't owe us an apology---your wife, certainly---but not us.

One rule that tends to get lost around here is that participation on this board really should fall under the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Rule of Radical Honesty. You should not be participating on these boards without having come to an 'enthusiastic agreement' with your spouse. And you ought to let your spouse know what your user name is, so that if they want to read the posts, they are welcome to it.

The reasons for this are simple. You need to learn to effectively communicate with your spouse, and those rules 'enforce' this (or they can cause you to clam up...). These boards aren't for 'venting'---venting rarely does anyone lasting good. It's unproductive and a short-term release at best, and it can reinforce some very bad habits at worse. You ought to try to live your life as an open book with your spouse. That's where you want to be...

It's OK to have these negative feelings and thoughts about your marriage---I think most people do at times. But I'd encourage you to find a good marriage counselor who can help you take these feelings and find productive outlets for them that will help you rebuild love in your marriage. Do it together---it's a terrific project, and it's well worth the effort.