My WW found out my other screen name yesterday. I foolishly posted too many specifics on neverthought's thread. (She follows neverthought.) She read some negative things I wrote about her in "Could have guessed it - Love Bank Empty". In this thread, as well as some other threads, I jotted down everything negative I could think about my WW.

I believe I was looking at our relationship through stained glasses. These glasses were stained by our current situation, and how low my love bank is. In ways, because of me venting and the way I was feeling that day, I painted a very negative and unfair picture of my WW and said some things that were not true:

When I said she regualarly flirts with men. This is not true. Her intentions are not to flirt. It is her personality that makes it appear to some that she is flirting. I only had three people tell me this before, not many of my friends.

She only hit me three or four times and the latest event was at least four years or so ago. She has never hit me in the face, and when she nocked me down it was because she pushed me real hard it was not a hit.

When I said she rarely has been my wife, I was venting. She has been a good wife up until the affair and I was concetrating only on the negatives and warping reality a bit. My feelings about the marriage is that it has been great at least 70% of the time including this year since D-day.

Please accept my apologies for warping the truth on occassion about my WW and about myself. I guess when I vent and write about myself I tend to warp reality sometimes. I am not that great a person, and my wife says that I portray myself as a saint here. I am far from being a saint. I have treated my WW poorly over the years even so much so that she says that she says I make her feel bad about herself all the time.

I guess I have quite a bit to learn about myself and my problems.

It does not seem I can come here and be unbaised of my views of my situation, so I must say goodbye to all of you here. I also need to say goodbye because I am addicted to the support here.

You guys have been really good to me, and have helped me so much. I really appreciate all the help I have received here.

I do not think I will post again on this thread, but if you care to email me my address is chameleon_1234@hotmail.com.

Thanks again for helping me.

dreamland,

I think that what you are saying is that you came here wanting people to support your side of the story. Over time I have found that many people do that here. They do not tell the ‘whole truth’. I think that it is good that you got “caught”. Sometimes we all need reality to hit us square in the face.

But this is no reason to leave MB. Perhaps you could continue here. It would be a great opportunity for you to tell both, and all sides, of the story. An opportunity for you to come to some great realizations about yourself too.

One rule that I have always used here on MB is to never, ever say anything about my H here that I would not say to his face. Sometimes I have agonized for things I’ve said. It’s been a weird experience because this rule has always lead me to discussing with him what I have written, or was about to write about him. The exercise has led me, and us, to some of the greatest growth in our relationship and ourselves. Usually, by the time I post something, I’ve worked the issue out with him and have to change my original writing as I’ve had a great change in outlook. (I always write my posts in MSWord and then copy them into the MB screen. This way I can think about them and edit them.)

Loyalty to a spouse is an important rule in marriage. When we are loyal to someone we seek to not bash them. Take a look at the book “Building the House of Marriage”. This does not mean you cannot tell the truth, it means that you will search deeply within yourself to find the truth before writing it. Taking this approach will strengthen your marriage. When we marry we become as one… so when we bash our spouse our tell untruths about them we are really attacking ourselves.

I hope that you consider staying.

Hey DL. Well, I wondered how long that would work for you. As a sharp gal myself it was pretty easy to catch on. Hey, I'm GLAD your W is still reading. Atleast she's hopefully gaining some perspective of this situation from other peoples situations.

When H and I were going through our own personal hell I spent way too much time on boards too. I just wanted the pain to go away...and I kept hoping for an answer to fall in my lap. I learned that won't happen. Counseling and soul searching is the only thing that worked for me. Time spent alone, without message boards or other people to confuse my thoughts. I didn't even see my friends for almost 6 months. Just needed to get it together, and needed to do it myself (with the guidance of a counselor).

As far as what you said about your wife...you said yourself you were simply weighing out the other half of the picture. The less glorifying half. If I remember right I said that your W would most likely not agree with the picture you painted. It was OBVIOUS it was pure frustration and a vent...because it differed so completely from the picture you'd painted of her before. It was simply not possible, in my mind, for you to have had such devoted and unwavering love for your wife weeks ago if she were the wife you vented about.

Mrs. DL, if you're reading... I know DL may not be handling this the way you feel he should...heck, I myself have wanted to find that MB frying pan a few times to whack some sense in to him. But then I was reminded of my own emotional abuse to my H and how he was totally unprepared to deal with that. You may not have "intended" to put your H through hell, neither did I, but that's exactly what's happend. This is probably the most painful and confusing thing he'll ever have to endure...the only thing I can think of worse would be losing a child. It's unfair to expect him to deal with it "correctly". No one hands us a book of rules as to how to do what and what may lie ahead when we get married. It's not that he's unrealistic or inept. He simply has NO EXPERIENCE in what he's dealing with. He wanted the Disney fairytale just as much as you want it with OM. I hope you both wake up and make a real marriage out of what you have.

DL, feel free to email me if you'd like. parent_talk@hotmail.com. You know I won't commisserate with you or encourage you to do anything stupid. But if you need support, you got it. The same holds true for you Mrs DL. Anytime...anything you wonder about...I'm an open book. I hope you two get counseling. If you're worried about wasting money on one who might only do more damage (like our first one) then bite down and pay the fees the Harleys charge. They are really experts in this area.

Good luck!