Well, I just found this web site today. Been browsing around as I find the time. I'm still learning a lot of things. Maybe things I wish I didn't have to know.
Let me tell you my story. My wife and I just had our 14yr anniversary last monday. We have 5 kids, 4-13yrs old. Both of us are pretty passive-aggressive types (I think that's the correct terminology). We have never had any big huge yelling fights. Both of us tend to hold things in and not be confrontation at all.
Anyway, I realize now that I have probably not been meeting her EN for years. I'll probably mention why I think I didn't later.
About 3 years ago I started to play an MMORG. Ultima Online. I've always loved sci-fi and especially fantasy (huge Tolkien fan). I played for about 6 months and got my wife involved.
Let me say here that I've always thought it stupid to look for love on the internet. I have never been emotinally involved with anyone online. It seems that my wife became instantly attached to a certain peson. That eventually caused us a big problem. It was worked out. Unfortunatly, he was only the first in a long series. At one point we even moved to another server to start out new with all new people. It didn't help. Just the same thing over and over. At first it was just friendship for her. Nothing terribly innapropriate. It escalated though. Earlier this year she started to become involved in sex chat. That caused some major problems in our relationship. I thought we had things worked out a few times (once again) and she had stopped.
It seemed that she had become very attached to one person in particular. Fortunately he had moved and wasn't on-line at all for 3-4 months. When he left is when we had talked about the whole thing. Things were better for a while. No big problems really. Then he came back. She knew she should stay away, but couldn't. Sex chat became very hot and steamy. I had actually installed a spy-ware proggy on her computer to find these things out. As well as checking her ICQ history (my wife isn't terribly computer savvy).
Once again, about 6 weeks ago, we had a huge blowup. She actually left and spent the night at a friend's house here in the town we live in. I came and talked with her at work the next day and asked her to come back. She did. That was on Saturday. It took us untill Wednesday to actually talk about her leaving (that whole passive thing coming into the fray once again). She had talked to her sister. She talked to a good friend of ours. Both told her she should not leave her kids. We actually went and talked with our Bishop (we are LDS) and were getting some counseling. Things went well for 3 weeks or so. She had done some good things for the first couple of weeks. But it seemed to me that she still wasn't terribly affectionate with me. Sex was pretty boring. Seemed that I was the only one doing anything. I know now that she had become very depressed. I realize also that she has been grieving over this past relationship. As well as the fact that I was still neglecting her and not fulfilling those EN.
(some of the following are assumptions)
I also think that either she called the guy or he called her. Anyway, we went to bed last Wed night. I knew she was having a hard time, but didn't talk with her about it (more neglect, I guess). She has been walking in the mornings. So when I woke up she wasn't around. 9 am came along and she still wasn't around. I was a bit worried that something had happened. Went driving around where she walks but nothing there. Called her work, freinds from work, and friends from church. No one had seen her. I was very scared at this point. I actually called the Sherrif's office to file a missing persons report because I thought something had happened. Finally decided to check and see if anything was missing. Couldn't find her purse. Then I found the note.
She had left me. Ran off in the middle of the night. She told me that she needed time alone. Said that she was going to spend time with an old High School girlfriend of hers. Problem is, I think this had been a whole setup for a few months. She had told me that this friend had called. I think she had been planning on making a trip to supposedly see this friend and instead going to see this guy instead.
Took me two days to find this friend from High School's phone number. Couldn't get an answer though. Saturday I find out that she took over $700 out of our account (she had told me in her letter that she wouldn't touch it). She also called her mom and dad and said she was travelling the country. At this point I still thought she was with her friend.
I finally got a hold of her friend Sunday. She tells me that she hasnt' heard from my wife in years. Seems that the things my wife had been telling me about her friend were untrue. I could go on about this whole friend set-up, but it's too much.
She's not with her friend. She told no one where she was at. Told no one she was leaving. I can only assume (this is my assumption) that she is with this guy. He came and picked her up. I don't know that, but can't imagine where else she would be at this point. I also assume that she's consummated the relationship also.
That's very hard for me to take. We were both virgins when we were married. I always assumed that I would be the one to have the affair. I have had problems with Masturbation and Pornography for years. I started looking at dirty pictures before I even know what sex was. Have to give thanks to the neighborhood kids that left magazines in the bushes behind Safeway and my two older brothers who had their stash in the atik (attick?) This is where I think most of our problems stem from. Maybe anyway.
Back to my story. She called her mom again today. Says she's coming home, but won't say when. Won't say where she is or who she is with. Her mom doesnt press her at this point. We are just trying to get her home.
I know the guy used to live in Michigan, but had supposedly moved. My daughter remembers her mom talking about how nice it would be to visit Nebraska. I did a quick search tonight and found a phone number with his name attached to it. Not sure if it's his. Not sure if she's really there. Most likely. I'm trying to decide if it's a good idea for me to call that phone number at some point. Or if I should just wait. Probably wait at this point and hope she comes home. She's afraid to talk with me.
I told her one time that I didn't know if I could take her back if she had an affair. My oldest daughter knew something was going on so I told her some of the details. I also promised her that if my wife did come back that I'd take her back. My kids need thier mother. At this point I'm willing to take her back. I know it will be hard. At this point I've just told my other kids that she's visiting a friend. They keep asking me when she'll be back and the only thing I can say is "in a few days". I don't know how long I can keep it from them.
My main problem now is that I don't even know if she wants to come back.
I also keep thinking about her sleeping with another guy. It's just killing me. I have cried some of the most bitter tears in my life. I haven't cried this much since I was a little child. It just hurts so bad. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it, but I don't have any choice. Yes, I've been getting counseling. My parents are here. My kids are with me. I can hardly work. It's hard to sleep. I dont' have much of an appetite.
I just don't know what to do. It is incredibly hard for me to just sit here and wait. It's so hard for me to wait. I want to do something. I want to talk with her and beg her to come home. I want to drive out to wherever she is and get her.
I just want her back.
*cries a few more tears*
It just hurts so much. I never imagined I could ever feel this horrible. It's like someone took the most important thing and just ripped it out.
How do I ever get over this?
I'm sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading it if you've come this far. I've probably forgotten half the things I wanted to say. I'm not a terribly efficient writer. It's hard for me at times to put my thoughts down on paper.
Thanks
