well i know that i am the one who has had the A, and i am suffering from memories of child abuse, Which i do not use as an excuse but i am so suspicious. My H is brilliant and trying to do everything he can to help and it is as if i am in destructo mode.

I have becomr good friends with the old man who cuts the grass and there is nothing in it apart from that he wants to check that i am ok on a daily basis. He is 20 years older than me and there is no interest on either side but i am petrified that my h will think i am doing something wrong. We have alraedy had an argument about it, today,

Trouble is not hqving q dqd i can trust i am close to him amd want to talk to him( the grass man) and he is soo kind and is the first man i met who doesnt want to have sex with me he just treally cares in a genuine way, wants to see me happy and likes the kids but has not been sexual or any ything in two years and i respect him for that, we have been out to lunch a few times me and him and also his wife ( who is great). They are kid of parental. But if my H finds out i think he will assume that i am having another affair and make me stop contact with them. I especially enjoy the greass man contact because for a change it feels so safe unlike any friendshio beforw even the friendship with my h best friend turned out wierd.

The trouble is that i am trying to kind of keep it quiet although thereis nothing going on and i suspect my h thinkds that i am having affairs at every opportunity i keep drinking to oblivion and i am making a mess of everything. i have stoppped counselling as i cannot cope and o am desperate to know what to do i think my h is prying and he amyu or may nor be/ I really am at the end of the road here please help me.

I did have an affair 8 monthas ago i sometimes miss the om but would never do it again, Please reply some one

First, let me say that you seem to do fine and are well on the good track. If you read the threads here, you see many stories of unfaithful spouses who can't see what they possibly did wrong.
Anyway, I would argue that an 'affair' is one if understood as such by your partner. Now, he might of course be way off in this particular example - but he seems to be genuinly hurt. And rightly and understandably so, as he has very difficult memories to live with.
That doesn't mean that you should live under a Burka (you know, the Afgani bag they put over women's heads) for the rest of your life and never look at someone of the opposite sex anymore. But make sure that your husband agrees, that your husband is with you, and that your husband trusts you.

If it as innocent as you say, invite your husband to a lunch with this man and his wife.

Crip,

Sorry to see you struggling. I think you should discuss this with your H. Perhaps he's worried about male contact? Cwmac has a good suggestion. It may not be a big deal?

Keeping it quiet is not good from an honesty viewpoint, this is something my own W found out. You really should not stop IC if you can.

Ben.

Hello crip,

This is just my opinion.....

Considering your background with sexual abuse, I think it is dangerous to you to be all on your own with this. My first choice would be working with an excellent and experienced counselor and discussing every contact with this *parental figure*. An experienced counselor will be able to help you decipher if this is a good *adoptive* parental figure for you or if you are actually replaying an old situation with a new character without even realizing it.

I also vote for Honesty with your husband for two reasons. First, I believe that it is your responsibility to behave in ways that help build trust---so if you have nothing to hide, then there's no reason to hide it. Second, your husband may be able to see a "questionable problem" that you might not be able to see yet. If this were to happen, I would recommend taking your husband's *question* to your competent, experienced counselor for help and guidance in figuring it out.

Again, this is just my opinion.

Take care crip.