Hello.

I have the experience (several years ago) of seeing a marriage and a family (two sons) destroyed by the adulterous behavior of my wife and their mother. When it happened, it immediately signaled to me that our marriage was over; and, I worked to end the marriage as soon as possible. In post-9/11/01 language, I considered this an act of terrorism: Someone came into my home and destroyed my family; and, it was she herself who did this. This was my psychic experience; obviously, it was quite a shock for me: One day, I left home for work, living in the belief that I was in love and that I was loved, totally unaware that that was the last day that I would exist in that frame of mind. When I came home that day, I found that the person who I thought was my loving wife was in actuality someone who is worse than a murderess.

There are certain typical prescriptions for adultery by marriage counselors. One is: She must have been having a need met by her lover that I was not meeting. I agree with that. But that need, as I see it, was the sadistic need to hurt. Freud said there is one pleasure greater than sexual pleasure, and that is the pleasure of feeling the power of hurting another. She needed or wanted to feel the pleasure of seeing herself have the power to hurt me. She even admitted that she did not love her lover or enjoy having sex with him. She was not motivated by “love” to take a “lover.” She was motivated by “power” pleasures.

Another is: I should have sought to find those “love units” that had been missing and hoped that I could finally succeed in being the provider see needed. This is especially infuriating. She committed the most violent, horrifying act possible, and yet it is my responsibility to make it up to her? My advise would have been: Do not waste any more of your time and energy with this awful person. Get her out of your life. Move on.

Can anyone agree with me about the real evil that adultery represents? Can anyone speak about how malicious a person must be in order to perpetrate adultery? Can anyone speak about the real horror with which women, and not just men, do sometimes assail their loved one(s)?

Also, how might I process the "shock" of it all?

Or, am I being entirely too rigid?

Thanks for any help you may have to offer.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: smconsolatti ]</small>

I think your viewpoint is way to rigid, harsh and quite frankly not true at all.

To equate the act of adultery as "terrorist" is completely out of whack. Your wife didn't murder anyone ,the act wasn't violent and I suspect she didn't have an affair to deliberately hurt her family. I know my H didn't have his affair so he could see me suffer , he was searching for something in himself...he made the wrong choice...but his choice was driven by his perceived needs and not me.

Look through this site carefully. Read Dr. Harley's books and another one I recommend is "After the Affair" by J.A. Spring. Educate yourself a bit first before you get on your soapbox.

I understand your pain at your W's affair - anyone on here who has been betrayed does - but you are being completely unfair in your assessment of your Wife and her actions. I think they way to cope with shock is to do some reading, get some counselling and see beyond this mindset. The pain and anger are understandable, but staying in that state forever will only continue to hurt you.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Alberta ]</small>

I'd say that what you are feeling is all very real... and your anger is understandable. I do think that your line of thinking is a bit rigid.

I'm assuming from your post that you divorced your wife and that you are now asking "how do I get over the pain/shock" of what's happened to your family. Try to get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.... this book outlines the entire "affair" process and the 'normal' steps in recovering from them (even if you've already divorced).

I wish you well on your recovery.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Wow, I can see you are hurting and I am so sorry for that. But to call us terrorists for betraying our loved ones is a little harsh. I am the WS and I don't see what I did to my H as terrorism. When I look in the mirror I see a woman who made a huge mistake and has done everything in her power to right a wrong not a terrorist.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, hopefully with a lot of prayer and love you will come to see things a little differently. If not, God bless you anyway.

RW

I think most betrayed spouses on this site here see exactly where you are coming from, myself included. The feelings you describe are only all too familiar.
However, in terms of problem resolution plan most here take a different approach. The game plan of the whole Harley idea, as I understand, is twofold: a) to get back your strength, self-esteem, to become a better human being, either with or without your partner, and, b) to give your marriage one more and very real chance.

If you follow the threads here carefully, you'll see that - either way it goes - it works.

In your case, you decided to dump your wayward partner right away. As a result, your male pride might have been restored, but your heart and your feelings, very likely, are not. I don't know your WS of course, but I particularly doubt the explenations for her motives. I think you need to dig deeper there, do some introspection as well. Will you be better prepared for your next relationship?

smconsolatti,

Your marriage has been over for 'several years' now. Although there is no doubt that an affair is one of the 'cruelest self-indulgences' one spouse can inflict on the other, I doubt that your wife's intention was to destroy you, your sons, and the marriage. A terrorist plans destruction. Affairs aren't usually on that level.

One thing leaps out at me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, how might I process the "shock" of it all?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it's been several years and you haven't processed the shock of it all, then I'd suggest that your path to a quick divorce probably wasn't optimal in what you needed to do for yourself (notwithstanding what you should have done for your marriage). Marital vows come in "for better, for worse" flavors---it's extremely easy to love someone who is treating you well. It takes growth to continue to demonstrate love and commitment when someone hurts you in this way.

The book suggestions that other's have offered are great. I'd also suggest that you start to look at books about forgiveness, and perhaps approach a counselor to help you along that path of healing.

.."act of terrorism"
.."worse than a murderess"
.."sadistic need to hurt"
.."wanted to feel the pleasure of seeing herself have the power to hurt me"
.."she committed the most violent, horrifying act possible"
.."this awful person"
.."the real evil that adultery represents"
.."malicious a person must be"
.."the real horror"

~~~~~~~~

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This is THE MOTHER OF YOUR SONS you're talking about here !

~~~~~~~~

Where are your boys today? Who has custody? Is there shared custody? If she really is evil incarnate how can she be allowed to mother two sons? Are they in danger with her?

~~~~~~~~

What made you fall in love with and marry such a person in the first place? How could you have missed seeing her *true nature of wickedness and evil*? Are you not very perceptive about women perhaps????

~~~~~~~~

What success have you had with recovering from this terrible trauma so far?

~~~~~~~~

Here to listen and to help.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SMC;
I'm glad you came here. Obviously you are having second thoughts about what you did to "solve" your problem, and it is encouraging to see that.

If you truly wish to heal, and perhaps to understand and forgive your W (the mother of your children), read on, post here, ask questions.

Open your heart to a new point of view, and you will find what you have been unable to find on your own. Welcome to MB.

I'm having a pretty hard time believing you were married to the anti-Christ!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You obviously haven't resolved alot of your initial feelings. In my judgement you acted in haste and didn't take the time to think this through rationally. Everyone (including you) makes mistakes. Your WW A was a HUGE mistake, but your ongoing behaviour is a close second. It's unfortunate you haven't resolved this and your children are subjected to a father who is intolerant of their mother. What have you taught your kids??? You've taught them that being intolerant, judgemental and rigid are ok. You've taught them that it's ok to give up when things get too hard. Get some IC so you don't bring all your baggage into your next relationship!

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Just so you know...Freud may be the "Father of Psychoanalysis" but what is more relevant is that all his talk was theory and conjecture, nothing based on fact or scientific study. Most professionals recognize his contributions to the study of human behaviour, but admit he was a bit of a quack!

I believe that you are correct that a large part of the reason many of those who have affairs do so IS to hurt and punish their spouses for some perceived (either imaginary or actual) wrong. People who are depressed often blame others, especially their spouses, for the way they are feeling.

When my H had an affair, I did everything I could to preserve our marriage. I would have been more than willing to forgive him. My love for him is constant and has never diminished, in the 3.5 years since the day he did not come home from work but moved in with the OW, whom I had not known existed, instead.

I wish I could have felt hate for him. I wish I could have just dumped him. That would clearly have been the smart thing to do. Instead, I was royally scr*** by him and by the lawyers, and our six children and I have been left living just above the poverty line while he did not work for over two years, lives comfortably, drives a new 30+ grand car, and takes nice long vacations.

I do NOT think that your comparison to terrorism is unjustified. I agree that adultery is worse than murder.

Nellie1,

Can I ask you a question? I'm very serious when I ask this and mean no harm by my question. I also want to tell you that I do not know your story. Here's the question: Would you still feel adultry is worse than murder had your husband came home and your marriage was still intact today?

RW

Nellie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree that adultery is worse than murder.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe for you, but not for most of the universe. While dealing with adultery isn't any fun, I'm certainly glad that I'm still alive.

How to process the shock of it all?
I am a BS, so I really know where you are coming from. But it seems to be that thinking in terms of terrorists, evil, etc., is a good way to not process anything. Turning our emotions into world-views, or even moral views, can make them much more difficult to process. I think saying "she hurt me" is much more likely to lead beyond the pain (eventually) than saying "she is evil."
Just my opinion.

Rob's Wife,

I don't know. I suppose it would be similar to the difference between stabbing someone, feeling terrible about it, and then rushing them to medical care versus stabbing someone and continuing to twist the knife and kick them in the head for three and a half years.

K,

I'm not, if my life were my only concern. If we didn't have children, I would FAR rather that my H had killed me than have put me through this H***. However, losing a mother as well as a father would obviously have been even more horrible for my children. There is no way I would want the OW to ever have a chance to raise them - not that she would want to, since she rarely even allows them to visit their father.

smconsolatti,

Are you here reading this the responses? If you are please respond so that we know what’s up.

Comparing adultery to terrorism and murder is a little extreme I think. Murder is just too extreme since a person can continue to live after infidelity. They can even one day find some peace. Terrorism is an act of violence for the purpose of gaining attention and a political end.

I do agree with you that sometimes adultery is used by some WS’s as a form of power. Many BS’s actually verbalize that they feel that the WS has all the power now. And my BS’s enter into affairs on their own to equalize this power struggle.

I tend to compare it to mugging and robbery. These are intentional acts made with the intent to gain without consideration for anyone else. In these crimes a the perpetrator takes forcefully, and intentionally, takes away from their victim that which is not theirs to take. At the very least, the victim is left scared emotionally for life. Sometimes they are left with their entire life’s earning and family life taken from them and destroyed.

I’ve been mugged. The year I was 21 I worked as a waitress so I got home late. One night as I was getting into my car after work, a man a man grabbed me by my neck. He was strangling me and dragging me to an empty field across the street from where my car was parked. There is no doubt that his intentions were to rape and kill me. I only got away because he did not have a weapon and I was very athletic in those days. The emotional trauma I had from that innocent is similar to what I felt on D-day and since. Except that it is worse with the adultery. I think the reason is that the harm was done by the very person I trusted the most. He was the one who had promised to love, cherish and protect me till death do us part. Guess I was more then a little naive.

Those WS that say that they made a ‘mistake’ are down playing their actions to a point of being insulting to the BS. Adultery is no more a ‘mistake’ then mugging and robbery. In order to enter into an adulterous relationship a person must take intentional action. If a WS says that they made a mistake they are mistaken. If they say that they did something terrible they are right on.

While I don’t think that most WS enter into an affair to purposely hurt their spouse (some do but no all), I do believe that they do not give a hang about their spouse. How could they and do this? At the time of the affair a WS’s thoughts are only with themselves.

Not that I wish harm on anyone, but sometimes I wish WS could experience being BS’s for a while just so that they can comprehend what the issues are. But in his previous 2 marriages by H was the BS, so I guess that would not help either. When a person has their mind set on being selfish they are in a fog and are going to do what ever in the hey they want to do.

I think of WS’s as being in to categories. There are those who cheat as a sport. They feel entitled and will never stop. They are scumbags in my book. (My ex-h falls into this category). Then there are basically good people who, for one reason or another, make a choice to meet their needs without reguards to anyone else in their lives. I think of them as falling from grace with themselves. These people deserve a second chance. If a person is a good spouse for years, and then falls for say 2 years do we throw them out? I don’t think so. We give them a chance… maybe only one chance but we give it to them. Why? Because we love them. Because if it were us, we’d like to have be treated that way too. And because sometimes we learn things as a couple that make the rest of our married lives better and stronger.

David Viscott advises to always come from love. You will never fail if you do. You may give a few people more chances then they deserve, but you will not throw out the good ones.

You said: Another is: I should have sought to find those “love units” that had been missing and hoped that I could finally succeed in being the provider see needed. This is especially infuriating. She committed the most violent, horrifying act possible, and yet it is my responsibility to make it up to her? My advise would have been: Do not waste any more of your time and energy with this awful person. Get her out of your life. Move on.

I understand how this can make you angry. However there is a lot of truth to this. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It uses a case study of a marriage in which the husband had grossly neglected his wife for years. We have had people on this site whose spouse abused them emotionally and sometimes physically for years. They finally broke down and entered into an affair. I left my first husband because he was physically abusive. The last straw was when he tried to kill me with a straight razor. I figured it was time to leave. I was 26. I left him but did not divorce him for a year. But during the last 6 months I had was seeing a wonderful man (who I lost contact with because of a twist of fate… boo hoo). After all my involvement on MB I realized that it was technically an affair though I do not think of it as such to this day. Why? Because I owed nothing to a husband who beat me and then tried to kill me. You see, there are cases in which a BS has done an awful lot to destroy a marriage. In those cases the BS has a lot of Plan A’ing to do if they want to save their marriage and win their spouse back.

Obviously in cases where the BS was a much better spouse then the ones I described above, there is much less they will have to do in changing their behavior and perhaps the changes mostly fall onto the WS. This is the case in my current marriage. My H cheated on me while we dated, during our engagement and through the first 9 months of our marriage. If I was not meeting his needs then he had no business becoming engaged and marrying me. I did change quite a bit after d-day, but I did not Plan A him. He Plan A’d me. Why? Because he wanted the marriage at that point and I did not. He had to win me back.

There is no set formula here. It’s different by degrees for each couple. And there is nothing to say that the BS HAS to do anything to continue the marriage. A BS has the absolute right to end the marriage upon discovery of infidelity. But few do.

The marriages in which there is a strong recovery, both spouses look deep within and critically at their relationship, make the necessary changes and maintain them for life. (In MB jargon it’s “Plan A’ing or MB’ing for life”). That’s where my H and I are. We found the silver lining in our storm clouds.. it’s that we have learned so much about how to have a healthier marriage. Like most people we honestly did not know.
Mostly I am worried that you seem to have not healed after a very long time. What’s up with you these days?

Hmmmm....I'm getting the impression we didn't tell this person what they wanted to hear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> If his lack of response is deliberate, I can understand why his marriage failed.