As posted on another thread MM dropped back into my life over the weekend. Says he wants to be "friends". Well I shut that down immediately. I told him that the only was to go was NC.

In Dec 2001 I told his wife about the A and assured her that it was over (for my part at least). I meant it and it is.

I have it on good authority that he's letting me "cool down" before trying me again. Should I seek his w's assistance with NC? Should I call her and let her know that he's back in touch. I have no desire to be with him. He called me the other night a put his 8 year old son on the phone. I think it's disgusting that he's trying to drag the kids into this mess.

I just wonder at what point do I advise his wife (if at all)?

IMHO...as a FBS, I'd want to know. If he can't have you, maybe he'll move on. Why should she have to live like that...an illusion of recovery, a life of more lies? Give her all the pertinent details, so she can decide for herself what to do(including the fact MM used his son as a pawn). If you tell her it may also send MM the message, loud and clear, there is to be NC with you! I don't envy you this situation...but, I truly believe if you want to make amends, as you claim, then part of that would be keeping his W informed of his dealings with you.

KS; does your H know of the new approaches by the MM? He probably should be told, and let him see what you are doing to keep MM away. 2 reasons; he'll appreciate it, help build trust, and it'll help you with your resolve. IMHO, of course.

As for the OMW; definitely tell her. Especially if you've had contact with her before. She'll thank you, and it'll show him you are serious.

You've seen here at MB how easy it is to re-ignite that forbidden flame...stay away from it...it'll burn your wings!

Very proud of you KS! Stand firm, show what you're made of.

Katie,

Tell OMw ... tell her that you honor NC and you are happily moving on. How she will use this info it is up to her. This is just FYI for her to watch out ... my 2¢. -RH-

Scarlett,

I think you already know my take on this. Tell his wife. I'd write a letter to her and send a copy to him. There is nothing like radical honesty and putting things in the light of day. It helps end all sorts of games. In the letter, I'd tell of his coming to see you, the phone call in which he put his son on the phone. Say that you have established no contact and expect it to be maintained. And that if he ever contacts you again you will inform him wife each and every time.

Then if he does contact you again, sent a similar letter to his wife and get a restraining order.

You are doing so well, you do not need this.

He is giving you some time to cool down so he can approach you again? Arrogant of him thinking that he can play with your emotions as it suits him. Grrrrrr

Space,

I've told my BF EVERYTHING. Radical, radical honesty. People told me not to, but I layed it all on the line with him so he knows what's up.

Here's part 2 of this question-at what point to I tell his w? Should I tell her that he dropped by on Saturday or should I wait to see if he approaches again?

When we spoke on Saturday I told him that I meant what I wrote to W in that letter. I told him that as a living ammends to her and to myself that I was leaving him and all MM alone.

In my reguar life I can be a mean and demanding *****. The take to prisoners sort. But in my dealings with him i'm a powder puff. Historically I melt when it comes to him. This is the first time i've ever told him no and meant it. Often I'd reject him and then call him a week later to say "come and make love with me." I'd love to trick myself into thinking that that is a good idea, but I know that it's not.

Telling his w, to a certain degree is innoculating myself from further temptation.

The other issue is that IF I tell her, what do I say. Can someone make a suggestion. Everyone thought my first tell-all letter was harsh. But she's NYC gal, we tend not to be so fluffy.

Suggestions please.

I think you really have to get him COMPLETELY out of your system. Just ignore him. Forget about his Wife - none of your business. If he wins the lotterie, if he is sick, if he flies to the moon.... just ignore him. Over and out.
That's the only way forward, beleive me.

If you don't, he'll [censored]-u-me that you're still willing to protect his bad behavior toward his wife.

I'd be for letting her know IMMEDIATELY! Don't keep his secrets or do anything remotely that looks like protection!

My concern is that by telling I engage with him and this entire situation. You know, "bad breath is better than no breath."

By not telling i'm protecting him. I said something about calling her and he said "you wound't do that to me."

I'm strong today and am resolved to end this mess. But I know me. That won't always be the case. At some point i'll have a bad day with BF and MM will be all to happy to be my safety net.

I have cheated on every boyfriend i've ever had with this guy. We ALWAYS return to one another. Despite the odds, through many insane circumstances we ALWAYS end up back in a tangled mess together.

Today I want out and while i'm strong enough to do it I need to move to end this ASAP.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
My concern is that by telling I engage with him and this entire situation. You know, "bad breath is better than no breath."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How's that? You're already "engaged" because he simply had the nerve to show up on your doorstep. The only way to disengage is to send a very clear message that No Contact means NO CONTACT. And that you will not tolerate his intrusion into your life.

Otherwise, he will simply rope you into his situation through whatever means he can. You can not stop it if you keep his secret!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By not telling i'm protecting him. I said something about calling her and he said "you wound't do that to me."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is like so many crime shows that have the victim finally armed and able to defend herself; the perpetrator is in front of her, mocking her, saying, "You wouldn't shoot me. No matter how badly I've used you and abused you. You don't have the guts to pull the trigger." And he's expecting you to roll over. And if you do, he'll be back, armed with more means of sucking you back into his little secret world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm strong today and am resolved to end this mess. But I know me. That won't always be the case. At some point i'll have a bad day with BF and MM will be all to happy to be my safety net.

I have cheated on every boyfriend i've ever had with this guy. We ALWAYS return to one another. Despite the odds, through many insane circumstances we ALWAYS end up back in a tangled mess together.

Today I want out and while i'm strong enough to do it I need to move to end this ASAP.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Katie, at some point, we all grow up and stop repeating the mistakes of the past.

Truly, have you ever had a relationship with another man like your boyfriend? Have you ever TOLD him that your past has knocked on your door and threatened to pull you back in?

Consider this. You ARE doing lots of things differently. Like posting on this board. Getting support to change those old patterns.

The devil would like you to believe the worst about yourself - and that you are powerless to resist the devil himself. I think you're already seeing MM's horns and tail, just so you know who you're really dealing with here. Just another someone trying to defeat you, suck you back into a past you didn't enjoy and didn't feel safe with.

You can resist this man, KS. And you can take that first step to slamming the door on the jerk by telling his wife like you promised to do.

ok kayla, so what do I say to his W?

She's going out of town next week. He'll he home alone with the 2 year old. He's mad as hell about that so i'm sure that's when he'll reach out again.

This week is best. I think I should call, but i'm stumped as far as what do I say to this woman. She already knows who I am.

Katie,

My vote is to tell without fail and as immediately as you can.

It is crucial to not only your recovery but theirs (even if they have a "false" recovery). No, it may not help his M but at least it gives OM's W the opportunity to make a decision for herself and not have to live through added lies and deception!

I made a point of telling people that became aware of WW's A that you should please inform me or the OM's wife right away if they are seen together or know of other suspicious activities. I would want to know and so would OM's W! Thankfully I have received no information in the past year and neither has she as I ran into her several weeks ago (as a matter of fact, she says their recovery has been going great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Telling him in advance - I don't know about that one. That just gives him the opportunity to open up added dialogue w/ you to get you in another direction and gives him a chance to discredit you with his W before you talk with her. He may want to call afterwards and you can simply hang up sending him a very powerful messsage.

The conversation with her should obviously be "short and sweet." I'd start off by telling her that you've made great strides in your M recovery. You've made 0 attempts to contact him until he made contact... You just thought she should know as you just want him to GO AWAY!

Maybe some additional dialogue will occur and you can help her through the unsuspected shock. Maybe even tell her about MB where she can get some help???? (I know, it's far fetched but at least you can be ready).

I wish you luck and I'm glad to see that you came to see him and the A for what it was. Make the call. You know we're all here to help if we can...

MITT

Yup, the woman deserves to know, and it's the best thing for you AND for MM. In the end he'll either have to face his issues or run away again. Atleast this time he'll know not to run to you.

What do you say?

Dear Mrs MM,

I regret to tell you that MM recently contacted me. It was his desire to resume our past friendship. He assured me it was with your consent, however I highly doubt this is true. It is because of my deep regret for the pain our past relationship caused you and the vow I made to you not to do that again that I give you this information. I hope I made it clear to MM that I cannot and will not resume ANY contact with him again. I'm sorry for any pain this information has caused you. Thank you for your time, good luck.

KS

Something along those lines? Not too fluffy...but with remourse and thought for her feelings.

Thanks I kind of like that letter, but parts of it would be insincere.

The thing that is sometimes difficult for me aobut MB is that it is assumed that I identify with his BS. I really don't.

Lines like :It is because of my deep regret for the pain our past relationship caused you that I don't identify with.

I'm still selfish in many ways. I could give a flip about her feelings. I'm trying to save my a-s. Ok it's not entirely true that I don't care about her at all. She is afterall another human being. A child of God.

There is a part of me that really doesn't like her. In my heart she is the woman how hurts the man I love. I know, I know that's proof of his lies and manipulaiton. I have NO IDEA what kind of person she is or isn't. And it's really not my business.

What I want to say is:

"W, you need to keep your husband away from me. His dropping by my house on Saturday is 100% unacceptable behavior. I have told him this and I want to make sure that he gets the message. Coming to my house is NOT ok, calling me is not ok, involving the kids is NOT ok.

Nothing and him and me is ok and it ends here.

Then i'll answer any questions she has. That's more my style.

Too b-tchy?

I like your style, personally. It lets her know that you are not a threat. But it also gives her the information she needs to know that he is not above using HER children to further his straying from marital vows. She needs to know this for the sake of her children!!!!

It doesn't strike me as b!tchy at all. Forthright, maybe. Furious with her husband's slimy behavior with her son, definitely.

Then tell the doorman that MM doesn't get a pass card to your apartment and if he gets through anyway (bribery), you'll go to apartment superiors and let them know you're being stalked!

I'm not too worried about my doormen. They are very protective of me.

Maybe I'm in the minority here but, I feel your letter to MM's W was a little to 'edgy', it bordered on rude. I'd go with H4F's letter. to be honest, his W already knows you don't care about her. If you did, you wouldn't have become involved with her H! I think the letter should contain a sentence about MM involving his kids. Send the letter today! Phone her today! Inform her ASAP. I too, can be a 'super b*tch' so from one to another <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I feel I can be blunt with you.
No need to hurt her, just give her the facts in a polite way. Get off your butt and tell her now!!

I just got off the phone with a good girlfriend of mine. She gave me inportant advice as well.

She suggested that I think about it in terms of dealing woman to woman. She suggested that I eliminate the "tame your name" feel and just say to her "listen, I don't appreciate his intrusion into my life and I thought you should know. I am particularly offended my his involving J (middle son). I don't want any further contact with him and will not stand for it."

I think I can live with that.

mgm - point taken.

The problem is that this woman is being hurt by her husband, NOT by what Katie Scarlett is going to say to her. No matter how "nice" you say it, you're still going to crash her world - and sometimes it's just better to be forthright and blunt about it, rather than dance around the issue with niceties.

KS, I like the advice your friend gave you. I'd call her - rather than wait for the mail to get it to her. Call and get it over with.

When you're stepping into a new life, it's time to burn all bridges to the past. This is definitely bridge burning time!