I posted something similar on another thread, but decided to ask here as well hoping to get some more replies. Our sex life has really improved since H's A....sort of. He is very good at pleasing me and we have sex often. But he has been having problems maintaining erections and climaxing during intercourse. Most of the time I have to help him climax afterward. He told me that he only had an EA with the OW and did nothing but kiss her and tell her he loved her. He did admit to discussing and planning sex with her, but it never happened because I found out about the A. He has never, ever had this kind of problem before his A. Is it guilt? I have always suspected that he had a PA and is just not willing to admit it. I can see where that would cause this kind of problem...because he is keeping a secret from me. Not a good thing for recovery or for our sex life. The A was a year ago. We just went through our first d-day anniversary. We love each other, things are pretty good. But I am concerned about this sexual problem, and concerned that I don't know everything. If he had a PA, fine. I can deal with it..and I have told him that. But still he denies...he just needs to tell me and I don't know how to get him to open up. I don't want our recovery to be based on a lie. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I am bumping this up...help please. Thanks.

Bump....I really need some replies. Please help me....

Believe me....it IS guilt.

Hopeful,
I wouldn't be quick to assume that guilt is the reason. What if it is simply that time is beginning to show its sometimes ugly head? I work in a doctor's office and you should see the age range of men that come in asking for help with ED (erectile dysfunction). Perhaps your H can talk to his dr about using Viagra? There are a few medical conditions that may prevent a man from using it, but it is worth the time to find out...don't you think?
Something else that your post impressed upon me.... I'm not sure you WOULD be ok if he admitted to you that is was a PA. The impression I have from you is that you believe he is guilty anyway. He has assured you that is was only EA. Yet you say that he only has to tell you, that you would be able to handle it. You don't want recovery to be based on a lie.
Well what about being based on trust? When H and I entered our recovery, he had little trust in me. I in turn had little in him. Little that I COULD be honest with him and tell him my needs. Trust is also about being there when your spouse needs you. Fulfilling all those EN's that we have. If those needs aren't being met by my H then I can't trust that he can fulfill them. We rebuilt our trust in each other slowly, but TOGETHER. He would listen when I told him something that would hurt him. He understood why I told him and instead of yelling and getting angry, he gave me a safe place to be able to be honest. I in turn thanked him and pointed out that I'm sure it wasn't easy to do, but that but doing that, MY trust in him was growing.
So instead of bringing each other down, we only kept growing our trust together. Now I know that if I have something unpleasant to tell him, regardless of the subject, I can tell him.
By the sound of your post, you still don't trust him. So what if he did have a PA? What difference would it make? Would you be able to put it all finally behind you? I don't think so. I think that you would be hurt all over again and that your recovery would backslide a bit. Is that what you want?
I am sorry if I am sounding harsh. I don't mean to be. I must tell you that this is the first post I have read of yours, and I don't know your story...but I always follow my gut when posting here and your post called to me. Your H has told you that he loves you, the EA ended and you are in recovery. Sounds to me like perhaps you should let this one go....

Hopeful,

Just to add a little to my lovely wife's reply. I agree that, in the end, weather he did or didn't may not matter at this point. What does matter, and in a big way, is that there's still doubt in your mind. The two of you need to work that one out. You don't entirely trust him. He needs to understand that, AND EXCEPT IT!!!! He betrayed you. Trust comes hard after that. But he can't rebuild the trust alone. He can't start to fix it unless first you tell him it's a problem (in a loving manner) and second, you (both of you) figure out what you can do to make you feel more at ease about it. Your lives need to be totally open to eachother. NO SECRETS! In the end, it may have to be just a life long understanding that his EA vs. PA will never be totally resolved in your head. It may just be one of the consequences of the affair. Then again, maybe y'all will find a way to resolve it. Either way, you need to address it, together.