I haven't posted or lurked for awhile, but for my many friends here I want to share the latest news from LaLa Land because of its relevance in studying the pathology of infidelity.

As expected, the WSs recently married. The WSs being my XW and OM (my former friend and the XH of my X's former best friend). Apparently they were married on Aug. 3. Our respective divorces were finalized in March and April of this year. OM's XW told me about this about a week ago and I finally got an e-mail from my XW yesterday informing me of this with her new address, etc. (with a warning NOT to give out any of this information and NOT to ask our son about it. Hmm, proud of what you've done?)

I'd be lying if I claimed this hasn't bothered me, but it doesn't bother me too much. Each time I think about it, it hurts, but then the more I think about it, it becomes hysterically funny and then very, very sad. As many have said here before, it's like watching a slow train wreck. My concern, of course, is that my son, now 14, is a passenger on this train. At least he's not younger and he gets to be with me half the time.

BTW, why get married when marriage clearly had no meaning before? Ooops, sorry, I momentarily lapsed into rational thought.

OM's XW also told me that her two college age children refused to attend the wedding and have informed their Dad that he may have gained a bride and a "new life", but lost two kids. His youngest child and my son accompanied the "happy couple" on a week trip to Colorado - apparently their honeymoon. I wonder if the Mothership just beamed them over there? (Their daughter is getting married later this month, I think, and she will have someone else walk her down the aisle. She hasn't followed up on her previous query to me to be the "real Dad".)

My XW had previously arranged to have my son for "vacation" during the early August period, but he apparently never knew of the travel plans - at least he claimed to not know if they planned on going anywhere - and he didn't mention the wedding either before or since. I mention this only because he never mentions anything about what goes on when he's with his Mom and I don't pry. I do ask him casual questions, but he never volunteers info. I would have thought that his Mom getting married would have generated some conversation, but apparently he feels he needs to "protect" me or is embarrassed or perplexed about the whole sordid situation and when he's with me, life makes more sense and why bring up this crap? In this regard, I've consulted with his counselor and we have an appointment this afternoon with her. She has assured me that I'm doing the right things so far.

Regarding the infidels, this step just provides more confirmation to me that they are fogged-in nutcases. I just shake my head in amazement each time I step back and look at what has transpired from a distance. I speculate that they reason that getting married "proves" that this was right all along, or somehow legitimizes what they did up to this point. Two wrecked families, children harmed and "alienated", retirement and college finances destroyed, reputations soiled, and friendships cast aside. Very, very sad. But this makes it all OK, right?

In the "This is a Real Pi$$er" department, I consulted with my attorney regarding how my child support payment to my XW is affected by the marriage. My logic was that in Maryland, child support is determined solely by the incomes of the parents with the percentage magnitude of the difference being the determining factor. For example, if each parent makes the same amount of money, no child support is authorized. Tip the scale either way, and the higher income pays. In this case, OM makes way more than I do and their combined household income would be way more than twice my income. Ah-ha!, I thought, at least I should be able to eliminate my $171.60/month - if not reverse the flow! Alas, I also got an e-mail from my attorney yesterday that says that the State of Maryland does not consider the income of the new spouse because "he has no obligation to support the kids, and therefore his income is irrelevant."

Irrelevant?

Suppose his income was $1 million? Is that irrelevant? He and my XW together are making over $250,000 and that's irrelevant? Am I supposed to believe she doesn't benefit from his income? F**k.

Oh well, at least I get to now legally deny her of her survivor benefit rights portion of my retirement benefits since she remarried before age 55. Too bad.

Thanks for reading and I really am doing pretty good. My son starts fall baseball soon, the tides still come and go twice a day (at least around here), and I'm gonna get back into boat racing soon. All in all, life is pretty good.

Oh yea, place yer bets on the durability of this new union.

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hey WAT,

Good to see you alive and sane. Durability of the new union---I hope that it lasts longer than I expect it will---I think they need to torture each other a good long while for penance...

It is funny and very, very sad---all at once.

God Bless.

Hey WAT,

Good to hear from you, sounds like you are doing okay.

What's your over/under for length of the marriage. My x's lasted about 16 months( not sure if they are officially divorced yet or not as she hasn't said anything.) I know all his stuff is out of their(her?) house.

My d (15 yo) doesn't say anything about what goes over at her mother's. My son (11 yo) says more. Its funny I notice my son sometimes talks like I don't know his mother(not sure I do) in that he will say something like, "While at my mother's house I did whatever," like I didn't know where he was at.

Hang in!

Bob

Hi Dave,

It's good to see you post again.

I'm not terribly surprised by the turn of events...
...this kind of behavior is quite typical for the lost WAW.

Hang tough.

I'll have my own... unfortunate post... to add later this week... or whenever going back to court happens.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Only thing I have to add is your attorney is correct. I work in child support enforcement. The new spouse has no obligation to care for your child financially. He would have to adopt your son, and you terminate your rights, to end CS. If you are on decent terms with your exW, you could try seeing if she is willing to put the money into something for your son when he graduates. Bottom line, unless you take her back to court to get the order modified, you are stuck paying.

Is your exW's new H paying CS for his children? Or are they already grown?

Guys - thanks for the supporting replies. RWD, I'll put the over/under at three years. She's VERY stubborn and won't easily admit failure. In fact, it may be three years after it actually breaks up before I find out.

finding - thanks for the info. Yes, OM has CS (for one child) and alimony, I think. My logic wasn't so much focused on either of them providing CS to the other's kids, but just the no-brainer that they've pooled their incomes and living expenses and effectively have more disposable income such that CS is hard to justify, all things considered. The law doesn't make sense to me - oops, there I go again.................

On good terms with XW? Yea, sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But, your suggestion is a good one. I can offer to put that money into college savings. But remember, I'm dealing with an alien abductee and what makes sense to you and me sounds like blabber from a Tickle Me Elmo to her.

WAT

WAT - I think you are right not to question your son about what goes on. At least, that's the approach I take with my own kids, and I know WW grills them about what they do when they're with me. Your son saw the new marriage and all the other stuff that goes on, and certainly he is old enough to figure out what it means. But maybe he needs a break from it, a safe haven with no pressure, and that's what you offer by not prying.

- Tom

WAT,
My x's affair lasted pretty much 3 years to the day from when it started, as far as I can tell.

A friend of mine whose wife left him and married an airline pilot and lived in a $1 million home had to pay her CS and he was a school teacher.

When his oldest son reached collge age, my friend gave him money he had been saving. The x took him to court because he was supposed to give her the money. The judge found in favor of the x and my friend had to give her the same amount of money. The judge didn't care that he had already paid. She, the judge, said he was free to give gifts to his kids, but he had to follow the judgement.

I'm wondering if my x is paying me CS and her new x, alimony as he had a hard time holding a job.

{{{{{Dave}}}}}

I just don't get it. How many people can you vow "til death do us part"? For infidels remarrying maybe that vow should be changed to "until I ravage you emotionally and split". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Wouldn't that sound lovely on the altar? I just don't think someone should get the chance to vow that twice, unless of course their first spouse has died.

It is absurdity at it's best. God doesn't bless this kind of marriage. All I have to say is good luck to them without Him.

You on the other hand will be blessed for your faithfulness and efforts to preserve your family. Good things are to come for you Dave, I just know it. God bless you!

Dave---

Hmmmmmm...this is the same woman who completely denied any affair or attachment to OM, right?

Well, at least it sounds like you are doing OK---maybe not great but OK, and that in itself is inspiration to others of us still hanging in there.

BTW---that Maryland law...state legislators obviously have been spending too much time with some of the idiots making federal laws in the District...so much for common sense.

Take care

E

WAT-
I don't know if you remember me. You posted advice to me when I first started here. Thank you.
I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and glad you are keeping a sense of humor about the M. I think it sounds like a diaster waiting to happen.
Take care,
CS

Dave,

I feel for you!!! I really do, you tried so hard, it just seems so very final after their marriage.

I will be there shortly I think, DV is not signed yet, soon!!! STBX has told me and his boss that he planned on marrying OW ASAP. Only 6 Hours from Vegas.

THEN he told OD while she was visiting that he didn't want to marry her yet, just live with her to see if it was going to workout!! Duh!!! He tells this to a impressionable 17 yo, as he is sitting in apartment filled with her stuff but no her as she had to move out while girls visited as there was an agreement of co-habitation.

And yes the EA has been almost 3 years, have lived 1300 miles apart or better till the 1st of July. And her sister and baby move with her!!!!What a houseful!!!

I am glad that you are moving on with your life, and you are right for not asking any info. I too would be a little worried about your son not even mentioning the wedding. Good thing that you are going to the counselor today.

Best wishes to you in your recovery of you and to your future. We do miss you around here, so please drop by from time to time!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oops double post!!! slow computer!

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

WAT
I just think you are the coolest guy! (okay, my H is pretty cool) but you are holding your head high while keeping your feet firmly planted on the earth! Only good things can come your way from now on...

(((WAT)))

On the old Redbook board I used to frequent, there was a cool lady "Pebbles". Pebbles' WH had an A with a MW. The infidels both divorced their faithful spouses and immediately married each other ... ie; soulmates-ville <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> {WHATEVER) ... Then, (here comes the different part) ... during their recovery, the faithful spouses became each other's support ... and, after more than a year THEY married each other!

So with the visitation of both families' children going back and forth from infidel's M back to faithful's M .... there was lots of viewing into the infidel soulmate marriage. NOT a pretty picture <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... Pebbles' X-H made it known to Pebbles more than once that he'd gotten in waaaay over his head ... and he felt trapped with this soulmate ... and now what????

Pebbles and her new hubby "BAM-BAM" have a good relationship and one without the stigma and moral baggage the other couple feels.

I have no idea if this is at all relevant to ANYTHING ... but, it was always so interesting to speak with Pebbles and hear her stories of what the kids reported going on within the infidel marriage.

Wouldn't want to be in that M .... yuck!

Peace and happiness to you ... one of THE GOOD GUYS of this world.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dave,
Just wanted to jump in and offer my support and care to ya. You sound good, and of course, this new turn of events doesn't come as a total surprise....

Pepper, what a story!!! It really does show, too, how much baggage is attached to an A, doesn't it? Verrry interesting story!!!

God Bless you, Dave. YOu truly are one of the good guys, and God DOES know it!!! Your blessing is on the way!!!!!!

Well Dave, here's the thing...

Second marriages are hard enough without adding the wayward spouse spin to it.

Pepperband has quite the story there, and I would betcha that a HUGE percentage of marriages like the one she describes exist - or maybe I should say, NO LONGER EXIST, because let's face it... divorce is inevitable, wouldn't you think?

I don't find your ex's situation especially funny. I find it sad. REALLY REALLY SAD. But then again, she didn't put ME through hell.

Dave, get out the lawn chair man... grab a beer... and sit down for a few months of entertainment, if you like to see train wrecks and that sort of thing...

<shaking head sadly>

Platonic hugs my friend!

DAve,

I feel sorry that this has happened. I can understand how you feel. A little part of you feels like the WS must have cared so very little about you to be able to get married so quickly. That is just one more hurt to have to get over. Heck, she waited longer than my exH who got married scarcely 3 months after the D.

But, you know what....you will survive through all of this ordeal. You are a good man and a person of strong character. Don't think too much about the money she has now. Just be glad there are more resources for any needs your son may have.

My experience with the teens is this: they aren't going to say much of anything about the WS. My sons have told me much later that the affair and divorce really put them in such a bad spot. They try not to take sides and don't like any questioning, which only makes them feel guilty for telling or not telling you something. Your son is a bright guy. When he is grown and more able to better process all of this, he will sort it all for himself. He doesn't need anyone to point it out to him now. I will wager his biggest concern and fear is "loss" of his mother and his mother's love. I truly believe abandonment is a real fear for him, although he would likely never tell that to you.

I'll predict he will try awful hard to "fit" into the new family. He will need that to feel secure. Of course he wants to protect you from further hurt, so I am sure that is why he has shared little to nothing with you.

In the wash, you are the parent that never left him or the family. He is secure in your love. You are being the greatest Dad in the world to him.
Lay your head down each night and reflect that you have been a stable and responsible parent to your son. Know that this is the greatest legacy you could possibly leave to your child.

Prayers for peace.....RMA

Hi WAT old matey, the way I see it they're either a few sandwiches short of a picnic or have a few 'roos loose in the top paddock, either way it means they're both mad.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dave!

They're lost... you can bet their happiness level will decline quickly as reality continues to intrude... they have definitely not processed their feelings enough to have a chance.

I wish I had a great update, but things are pretty much status quo... We shall see.