I'll try to be brief. My mother in-law has been a pain since FWH and I started dating. Everything came to a head with MIL just after d-day last year when she phoned my FWH at work, asking what the OW was like and would MIL like her better than me, what was OW star sign so that she could do their charts, suggested that maybe FWH should leave me for OW. It was that incident that was the final straw for us. My FWH told her NC with us, her kind of love is too destuctive. Since then she has rallied the family around her and played martyr to the hilt. My FIL had a heart attack last week and no one phoned us! A distant uncle phoned my H to tell him! We only wanted NC with her, not the rest of the family! Idealistic? Perhaps.

Anyway, my problem is I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm so tired of being the 'bad guy' who led their poor son away from them. The 'evil manipulator' who has made them miserable. I'm not perfect and I have made mistakes, which I've owned up to but, I'm not a monster. My question is: How can I not let this get to me anymore?

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

ooohhhhh, I could tell you horror stories,but I won't go there.

All I can say, is rise above all of them, "TRY" to act like nothing happened, be so sweet it's pathetic, then they'll wonder what bit them in the A**! As, I always say, put a bandaid on that tongue, you will need it.

Do they make band-aids that big? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It's so hard and it hurts so much when everyone is so willing to believe the worst in me and I don't have the opportunity to defend myself. I hate that they all seem to ready to believe her story is the gospel truth and they don't even entertain the possibility there is another side to this.

BTW...have to add this. After encouraging H to leave me. She had the audacity to deny she'd ever said those things.

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

---->>totally shameless bump!

Oh of course they will deny it, I haven't had any contact with my MIL since the beginning and she lied to me on the phone, she that WH just wasn't happy and we should get out of it while we can because no kids, she knew that WH was living with OW. She even invited them to her home for 10 days of vacation, much more stuff. Youre lucky both of you said NC, because My MIL doesn't think it will work, but guess whos advice my WH seems is the above the rest, you got it MIL.

Show that you are a good person, don't LB them and prove them right.

BTW, I was thinking of those big bandaids made for knees, maybe put some extra cotton balls in there so it doesnt hurt

Someone tell me again why I bother to stay in this marriage. My in-laws are insane and they never really go away. My H would just as soon not do anything in the hopes it will all go away. The cycle continues with me being the ultimate bad person who leads their poor son around by a nose ring and makes him do terrible things to his family. I'm so frustrated and sick of this. I can't stand it anymore!!

mgm

I don't know the whole history of your story (is there a thread I can read?) so I can't say why you should or shouldn't stay in your M.

But I can say this one thing - from reading what you've told me, you appear to be a kind, fair, strong, and decent person. You told me that I shouldn't overly concern myself with what others think or say about me - whether or not they think I am the kind of person I wish they would know that I am. You've said I need to know what makes me happy and focus on that.

It is clear that your MIL thinks very badly of you - and it seems to be unfair of her to think that way about you - and she has apparently infected many of the other family members with this opinion....

My advice, always be nice, accomodating and pleasant, but stay strong and don't lose your boundaries - but don't ram them down their throats either - you attract bees with honey better than vinegar. Give them no reason to "hate" you whenever you do deal with them - in other words - be yourself - the person you know to be exactly what I described - they will eventually get it - or at least cut back on the venom - it's no fun to rant and rave about someone who doesn't respond in kind. - She'll find another target, count on it. Maybe if you went to her in an attempt (one-sided, I know) to reconcile - tell her you want contact and tell her you know she is important to her son, your H, and you want to make ammends, apologize - not for doing anything, but for allowing the relationship to deteriorate between you and her - tell her she matters to you and her son - in essence - kill her with kindness.

I know this is a bitter pill, but consider the alternative (maybe that seems better right now - to have her completely out of your lives forever - but you know it isn't in the long run). It may be that right now isn't the time for a move like this on your part - but eventually it will take a completely unilateral, self-effacing, humble move - and you are the bigger person, so you will have to make that move.

Thanks for the support and kind words. I'm not sure I can be as sweet as was suggested. Experience tells me if I did that and was nice all the time, they'd wait for me to screw up and then jump all over me for that one 'bad' thing, totally forgetting any good I've done. I'm at the point where I can be civil and polite but, I can't be emotionally available to any of them. I won't expose myself to that again.

Suggestions I can live with...
-I'll try not to give them anymore reasons to hate me.
-I'll maintain my boundaries and principles.
-I'll be my usual lovable self <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
-I'll be polite and courteous but, there is just no way I'll "kill them with kindness" (I'd rather slide bamboo shoots under my own fingernails).
-I'll give all my friends cash to phone MIL and tell her how wonderful I am!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...joking
-I'll stop trying to sell my MIL on the internet!...no one seems interested in buying her anyway.
-I'll try to camoflage the bullseye they've painted on my butt.

MGM,
I hardly ever say this but I really KNOW how you feel!I Don't think that there are enough books out for this subject!
My first MIL was very wealthy and held our mortgage, gave us company cars, and was my exhusbands employer with promise to take over the $100 million plus business. Sounds nice hugh? It would have been if our marriage was respected by her and I could have my own opinion. She even PAID him to leave me (pregnant with our third child) and tried to set him up with her hairdresser! The only thing that she didn't seem to like about me was that I said her son was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking. I took him back after he went against her wishes and came home and BIT MY TONGUE FOR YEARS until the resentments grew and I left him-and never regreted it. She has since put him in de-tox several times and we are now cordial to each other.
Thats my FIRST MIL nightmare.
One week after my present husband and I got married, my new MIL comes for a two week visit and brings my husbands ex-wife over to our house for coffee, and to dinner with us. My husband wasn,t thrilled anymore than I was but I thought that maybe my ideas were old fashioned so we didn't say anything about it.
Then my husband's business started having difficulties and my mother died suddenly. Two days after my mothers death, my MIL calls and offers no condolences, but states that her son should divorce me and asks me what I did with his money. (I had my own money and have helped him in his business when I can!)
I start the tongue biting again and feel it's the christian thing to do. Then the resentments started up and it began to really put a wall between me and my husband and started affecting
our marriage ect.. This went on for almost a year until my father was dying of cancer and again his whole family was soooo mean I couldn't believe it! ( to this day do not know why they were so rude )
Then I spoke to a pastor about it and he stated that I wasn't wrong for feeling this way that my husband needed to stand by me and that a husband
is to cleave to his wife and that a grown man could honor his mother better by being a good husband even if it ment cutting off all ties to his mom.Some MIL's make themselves to be as threatening as another woman if it causes division of a marriage.

Well, we did cut off ties for about three years until recently. We are taking it slow and there are DEFINATE BOUNDARIES.They know if they are to have a relationship with my husband that the marriage is to be respected. I am very glad that we did not speak for those years as our marriage bond is stonger, and if his family interferes with our happiness to that degree again, we will stop seeing them again-simple as that.
I atleast know through all fo this that when my sons marry, I will want them to put their marriages first. Its best for them, their wives and the example they will be setting for their children, AND THEY WILL HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT STAYING MARRIED! I don't want my sons to be "mama's boys".
I spent years in my first marriage being stepped on and it did no one any good. It sounds like you are as frusterated as I was. If you choose to change it, you don't really need to say too much. Just firmly and politely. Something like "If you respect the both of us and our marrige, we will continue to be a part of your lives, otherwise we will not be seeing or speaking to you any longer".

Sorry this was so long. Good luck!

MGM,

you will definitely have to let us know how this goes, I know it is so much easier for us to say be nice and bite your tongue when you really want to bite their head off.

If me and WH get back together, I will be feeling the same emotions you do. I don't know if I can have the same feelings for MIL again when I know she lied about OW and seemed to "support the affair".

Today, I'm feeling much better. In regards to them, my old 'whatever' attitude is back. H has decided to stop chasing his tail on this and Finally deal with it!!! Yippeeee!!! Me? I'm relieved that he is finally setting boundaries of his own with them.(Besides the NC). Will keep everyone posted to the ongoing saga.