I've been reading these boards like a mad woman for weeks, and have questions about my situation for anyone who'd like to chime in.
My H lost his father last year, and then very suddenly and shockingly lost a good friend earlier this year. After this, he started contacting all his old friends, people he went to school with, etc. One of the people he contacted was his ex-fiance. They started emailing each other and then it progressed to phone calls and this story is about to get very familiar to a lot of people here.
He hid the contact from me, only once even mentioning that he was talking to her at all. The OW, BTW, is also married, and she also hid the contact from her H. She'd tell my H to call her at night after 11pm, because her H apparently works nights.
I knew something was up, but not what for a while, until I caught him emailing her from his brother's house while we were there for a weekend visit. He knew I saw the email (and the 'I love you and miss you' at the end), but still made no effort to say anything to me, until I confronted him.
This was in early May. He's actually said he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and for a while, it was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. I never knew which one I'd be talking to.
At one point, OW found out that I had the password to his email account and got all upset. H changed the password and notified me of this. Previous to this, he'd told me that I was welcome to read all the email, but I declined.
In June, we went on a "vacation" to help his mother move into a new apartment -- and for him to see the OW. Twice. On one of these occasions, they went to see a psychic together to be told that they were soulmates and destined to be together. blah, blah, blah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
After we got back, we talked a lot about the problems we were having in our marriage -- what needs weren't being met and why. We decided to work on the marriage -- but he would only do this as long as I didn't demand that he give up his contact with the OW, even though he has admitted that he can't committ to working on our marriage 100% as long as she's in the picture.
I've basically been plan A'ing it for the last 4-6 weeks. H is very comfortable with this. He's affectionate, attentive, and there's been lots of SF in the last few weeks. If she weren't in the picture, I'd be very happy with the progress we've made and be looking forward to more. But she *is* still in the picture, and the reason I think he was willing to work on the marriage at all was that she, the OW, is now also looking to reconcile with her own H -- and while she has said that she thinks they should tone down their contact, she's still using him for emotional support and to meet her own needs, while still meeting his (a big one for him is communication).
I can't do this indefinitely. I'm on Xanax now because the stress got so bad that it was aggravating a heart condition I have (It's not serious, just really annoying and kind of scary). He's still hoping to have that perfect relationship with her, and he uses me to get her attention. He learned early on that any mention of me made her sit up and take notice. If he said anything that sounded positive, she got upset -- even crying at him on the phone and saying that she didn't want us to reconcile. But if he says something bad about me, she comes running to validate his feelings and go off about how I'm the bad one. He's learned this lesson so well, that any time he starts feeling any distance from her, he'll trot me out to say that I said this or did that and god, why does he even bother trying to save his marriage -- even lying to her and creating whole scenarios that never occured just to get her attention.
I guess the point to this is:
1) How do I make it clear that any longterm relationship between us cannot involve the OW -- AT ALL -- without LB'ing?
2) After we got back from our "vacation", I finally got into his email (I got tired of the man lying to me; I wanted proof), and I now have copies of everything. I want this woman gone, and I'm fast reaching the point of using them to do it, repercussion from my H, notwithstanding.
Do I send them to the OW's H? I really think he deserves the right to know what he's getting into if he wants to stay with her.
Do I write the OW and tell her that if she doesn't absent herself from this situation immediately, her husband gets a nice, large package of love letters that she's written and received?
Or do I just sit on the knowledge and let things go on or stop on their own, with me either plan A'ing or plan B'ing?
I don't know what to do with this. My H is just too comfortable with the things I do for him and the things he's getting from her to make a decison one way or the other.
I think we could deal with the issues we both have in our marriage, but not with this going on. We've been married for 16 years and have 4 kids. It's a lot to throw away. He calls me his best friend, but no one would treat their best friend this way and expect them to stay a friend.
<small>[ August 15, 2002, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Merentha ]</small>
