I am new to this so bear with me. I have spent the last 45 minutes trying to set up my profile. I keep finding interesting pages to read on this site. I could not wait any longer and decided to post this.

I am troubled. Extremely troubled. I married my husband three years ago. I found out he cheated on me about a little over a year ago. He only had sex with her twice. He never really gave me a clue things were as bad as they were. Or I was ignoring the true signs. I knew we had problems. But I believed him when he always told me that the marriage meant more than some affair. I found out right after the second time.

We unraveled at the seams and we spent all of last year just trying to figure out where we were at. I have not gotten over it. I constantly think about doing the same thing he did. Even the score and maybe I will get over it. I tried to get over it intially by saying to myself "He wasn't a virgin when I met him." But that doesn't work. I have told him that I am still angry that he has had the chance to have sex with someone outside our marriage...I didn't get that opportunity. I know he could not take it if he found out I cheated on him. I am told men are like that. Double standards. But sometimes I think that is the only way I can really get past it.

Then there are my constant worries that he will do it again. But that is a whole different topic. I have many topics.

SOMEONE LET ME KNOW THEIR THOUGHTS! I am stressing everyday and trying to figure out what to do. Sometimes I think that I should just get it over with and get a divorce if I cannot forgive him and stay faithful. Then I think about doing it and never telling and getting on with life. But I know it isn't that easy. Never that easy. Wasn't that easy for him. I even thought about telling him my thoughts just to discuss it and be open with him. Not that I expect him to say "go ahead and find someone." I just want to be honest. I never got that honesty when he cheated and I told him I would have at least appreciated him being honest.

NEED HELP!

Face,
We're sorry you find yourself in this dilemma, but you've come to the right place. Here you will find a lot of information, support, and feedback for your thoughts.

First of all, your having an affair "to get even so you can get over it" will NOT work. This is not about getting even, and even if it was, that would not help you get over it; it would make the problem even worse.

Read about Infidelity and how to overcome it in the Articles section, and in the Q&A section. You will begin to get an idea of what you should do to "get over it". It would be great if your H also learned, and desired to work with you to get over it. Do you think he will?

Read, get some ideas, come back and post some more. We'll be here to help you!

Hi, Face.

I'm so sorry you have to find yourself here on this board...but I think you'll find MB to be SO much help.

When I found out my FWH was having a long EA/PA it began the most devastating time of my life. There were times I honestly didn't know how I was going to survive the pain. H stopped the affair (I still don't know if it was immediate or if it went on a little longer) and was very remorseful. But the damage was done.

I actually did what you've thought about doing. H's A totally changed my life. I lost 45 lbs. and went from a sweet, naive Sunday School teacher (literally), to dressing like a tramp and flirting with other guys. Of course I ended up having an affair of my own. I became a totally different person over night. Everyone who knew me was shocked by the transformation. To be honest, I wanted my H to feel just SOME of the pain I felt. I felt he wouldn't be devastated, tho, because he obviously didn't really love me anyway (he rejected me and had an intense affair!).

Actually, H wasn't devastated by my A. He was angry and hurt, but I think in a weird way he was glad I did it. Some how made his affair not quite so bad...he thought it put us on even footing, I guess. As I was conducting my affair, I was doing to him exactly what he'd done to me: totally ignoring most of his EN's. He, in turn, started yet another affair before mine was even over. His 2nd A was intense EA that lasted over 2 years. She even left her H because of it. That time of our lives took YEARS to get over, but we did it.

Do I think having an affair of my own helped? No. Spacecase is right; it only caused more problems and pain. To be completely honest, tho it makes me sound like a slut, it did give me a little satisfaction to say to H "So there! Someone else wanted me even if you didn't!" Having an affair temporarily helped boost my self-esteem about my physical appearance and desirability...but that doesn't compare to the damage it did to me emotionally and spiritually.

I was looking for something or someone to make me feel better and to make the pain go away. But there is no quick fix. Instead of giving my pain to God, I gave it to some self-serving oportunist. That only prolonged the pain and put recovery off for YEARS. Don't do that.

My FWH and I are in very good recovery now. When I stopped the affair (8 years ago) I did a 180 degree turn...sold my sports car, gained a healthy 20 lbs., lowered my hems and heels, and got myself back into church. I've NEVER looked back. H looked back a bit last spring, so we had another "bump" to get over, but we did it, and we're MUCH stronger now because of it.

This has been very long, and I'm sorry. But keep posting here...we care and we've been where you are now. Don't add fuel to the fire of despair.

I wish you peace in your heart and in your home.

Lori