Good for you, Katie. I know it was hard. Don't focus on W's reaction. Remember, you weren't telling her for her per se, but to bring honesty back into your life. To eliminate the secrets and deception that had permeated your life during the relationship with MM.

W is right that she can't control what he does. She can not make him stop bothering you. The reason for telling her is to change the nature of the relationship with HIM. You are saying in effect, "you are a married man, and I won't carry on a relationship with you that is secret from your wife. I will include your wife in any interactions between us." Just as your boyfriend as well should be informed of what is going on.

Don't take her cool attitude personally. She will not lay her heart bare to you and she may be suspicious of your motives. Your purpose was to inform her, that's all, not get validation or approval from her. She was polite and that was enough.

<strong>And nah, you didn't turn his world upside down, only he can do that to himself. His pain is completely self-inflicted. He could change his attitude toward his wife, if he wanted to. It's all about one's individual perspective. He could work on his marriage, work on filling his wife's emotional needs, educate himself on being a better husband, but NO, he decides to go outside of his marriage looking for thrills.</strong>
BTDT makes a good point here. The other point is that, if his marriage is so bad, he can divorce his wife and look for a new relationship. He had the option to be calling to say, "Katie, I am a free man. I've divorced my hurtful wife. I would like to start a new relationship with you based on honesty and trust." But NO notice that is NOT what happened. Why?

Instead he tries to engage you again in a secretive illicit "friendship" which he knows, given your history, will lead to a love affair. Is that all you are worth, Katie? Don't you deserve more? You may have felt like you were his "second wife". No, this is not an Islamic country. You were his concubine or his mistress. You did not have the rights or recognition in the relationship a wife would have. The right to bear his legitimate children. The right to be at his side in the hospital if he were deathly ill, and make decisions about his medical care. The right to his pension when you are old and infirm. The recognition of society- the right to be at his side at a company dinner, the right to celebrate Christmas with him and his family. He could have given you that right but he didn't. And had you won the right, both you and he would be saddled with guilt and problems. The fantasy would end as you would have to grapple with forging a life with this man, who is haunted by addictions and an inability to face reality.
Is that all you're worth, Katie? Is that all you'll settle for? Is that all you want out of life and love?

<strong>he went on and on about what an honest person he was (on Saturday). I guess if he were really being honest this would not have been a big deal. </strong>
Honest? Give me a break. This man has been lying for years- to you and his wife.

Let BF know what's going on. Maybe a call from him to MM would shut MM up quick.

My best friend and I spent the better part of the late night turning these questions over and over. I am sad for the Katie Scarlett that believed all of his Bull for so very long. Certainly it was a process. Certainly I slayed some of my personal dragons through the years, but dang! What a hard way to learn.

He reminds me very much of my family of origin. It's so strange to stand back now and see that. My best friend and I were laughing last night about the lies. How in 10 years the only thing that changed on some of them was the date. In 1997 "she's moving out in June." In 1998 "She's moving out in June." In 2000, "she's moving before the summer is out." Geeze at least be creative. Then again he used what worked. For a long time I believed it. And then after I stopped believing it I stopped caring weather she moved or not. As long as I got my financial needs met they she could live at my place. I really didn't care.

I used to think that I got far more than I gave. Truth be told I got more material goods than I ever gave. but I was emotionally vampired over and over and over again. I loved loving him even if it was exhausting. He's a 43 year old baby. The same baby he was at 33. It's ridiculous.

In the end I think I gave far more than I got because the money meant nothing to him and my emotional resources meant everything to me.

My sincerest prayer is that he hates my guts and wants nothing further to do with me. I'm not that crazy though. He's just as addicted to me as I was to him. I honestly predict that he'll give it a year. Maybe 18 months then he'll come back just like nothing happened. I can hear it now "she's moving out in June 2004." LOL!

The other side of this for me is that cheating is all i've ever known. My father cheated on all of his wives. My uncles have cheated. My grandmother cheated. Pratically everyone i've ever known has cheated. I have no reason to believe that BF is cheating or would cheat. But I have a lot of trouble really truely believing that he really loves me. And that he's not going to cheat too.

I'm not the kind to be "destroyed" by infidelity. I don't really understand folks who are. I just think that it would be a sad thing. I love my BF and on some levels I have no doubt that he loves me. But I have no idea how to do this relationship without sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It's sad when all you've known in your past is infidelity. When that is your only measure of relationships I can understand how your thinking on the subject may be a little different than everyone else's. Monogomous relationships are different in that the spouse is your best friend. It's your spouse you tell your secrets to, tell your dreams and fears to and the person who accepts your flaws and imperfections. You have found something new and wonderful in your BF. You've already proven to yourself that your old style of relating don't work. Trying something new is scary (as you know when you said 'no' to MM), but personal growth doesn't occur from status quo it occurs from change.

LOL!

I pray he hates your guts too!

That is a great insurance policy for NC.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

you know pepper. Maybe i'm better off praying for apathy. Hate is still passion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

soooooo true sweetie!

Hey Spacecase:

I never answered your question the other day. I wanted you to know that over breakfast BF and I had a long talk about everything that happened. He knew that MM had returned but he had no idea that I told his wife.

I gave him the complete update so that he knows we're on the same team here.

Additionally, we agreed that if MM comes back BF will handle the situation.

Katie Scarlett:
Better than hating your or feeling apathetic about you: being grossed out by you.
Of course it's hard to accomplish while in NC, and I'm not recommending establishing contact in order to gross him out.
But if it ever happens that you're in the same room with him and can't get away: pick your nose, eat it, fart, scratch, hork loogies . . . Whatever gross stuff you can come up with.
I mostly kidding because I know you're better off if you just never have to deal with him again. But I thought it would be good for a laugh.

Curious53 ... LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I once took a rape/assault prevention class ... a loooong time ago.

ONE of the "ideas" they suggested is to act really insane! ... like speak all garbled and shout about things that aren't there ... like you're hallucinating.

And another idea was to barf! Or pretend like you're going to barf ... so very NOT sexy!

There were other less gross-out ideas as well ... but these always struck me as funny ... and probably would work too!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Clearly you guys have not met me xMM. He thinks of my farting as a sign on intimacy. He's got it BAD!!!!

I could puke on him and he'd say thank you.

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

Well ... obviously Miss KS ... the only option left to you is to go completely bonkers!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There's a comment I want to add, but I cna't think of a polite way to say it.

Hmmmm...

I'll try it this way:

HE likes is auxillary lovin nice and easy. So crazy won't work for him.

Going bonkers is a good idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hmmmm....lots of thing I want to add, but won't in polite company! If the freak(MM) just won't go away after being repeatedly told to do so, then he is a stalker. It's time for a restraining order. If you haven't heard from him in the last 48 hours or so, maybe it's time to relax a bit and try not to stress to much about this anymore.

There was a suspicious call to my house this morning, but i'm assuming that itwas nothing. My 4 year old got the phone so who knows.

I have not heard from him and i'm glad. I'm feeling MUCH more relaxed and happy. BF and I both know what page we're on on this one so it's a dead issue.

Katie,

I only have one thing to add...CHANGE your phone number!!

Best Regards,

YellowRose