Hi,

I have been reading here for about a month, but this is my first post. For some reason I am really nervous.

Anyway, my H and I were married for 18 years before his affair. He started an affair with a co-worker, and within two months told me he wanted out of the marriage. I realized something was seriously wrong (I thought we had a happy marriage) and told him he couldn't just leave like that. Friends and family told him the same thing. We started counseling and he admitted to the affair.

It was all awful, as you all know, but he said he stopped the affair, and I believe he did for a while. And I could tell he was really trying in therapy and in our marriage.

Then, in May of 2001 (about a year and a half after Dday), I thought we were ready for a re-committment ceremony. He was reluctant to set a date, so we sat down to talk about it. Instead of setting a date, he told me he was sure he wanted out of the marriage. He also told me that he had still been "talking" to his OW on and off, and that he was going to pursue a relationship with her.

He moved out to his own apartment and last spring we were divorced. I just didn't see any purpose in fighting it any longer.

I just can't accept what has happened. I don't know what went wrong. I saw him at a local bookstore a few weeks ago. He was sitting drinking coffee. He was alone. I went to talk to him and told him I didn't understand what went wrong. I really thought we had a happy marriage.

I don't think he is with his OW anymore. At least, I know he is still living in his own apartment, which is in our town, not her's. And I know he went on vacation to visit family this summer, and he went alone. And I know he was alone at the bookstore.

I kept our home and I have a good job. I stay busy. I've even tried dating. But I miss him everyday. All the time. I can't accept that our marriage is over.

What can I do? Do you think there is any hope?

I am so sorry that you are hurting and that you are in this situation. If your ExH is no longer with the OW, I am sure that reality hit them and he was miserable. Unfortunately, alot of people give up on their marriages too soon when affairs occur and the divorce happens before the WS gets out of the fog.

How did the conversation with your husband go?? Do you two have children together?

I never say never, there are some posters here on this site that have been divorced and remarried to the same spouse. The WS "wakes" up and realizes that the grass is not much greener on the other side. Any issues that he may have had in your marriage most likely resurfaced with the OW, they never go away until the WS chooses to resolve them, but get covered up in the excitement of the affair.

Have you had a chance to look at all the articles on this website, learning about "Emotional Needs" and "Love Busters". I too, thought my WH and I had a happy marriage, but now realize that it was barely surviving.

Another good website you may want to check out is called www.rejoiceministries.org

click on the Charlene Cares link and sign up for her daily devotional. Read the articles on that website. Charlene and her husband divorced and then remarried and have committed their lives to help repair marriages.

To catch the eye of those on this website that have divorced and remarried the same spouse, you may want to change the title of this topic. (This can be done by clicking on the "Edit Post" icon on your first message).
You may want to change it to something like:
"New here, reconciliation to ExSpouse possible?" or something to that effect.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain, its obvious you still love your ex a great deal.

You sound like you need to do more healing. I'm sorry for your pain, and yet we can all empathize with it. ((((( needingfaith )))))

I've found, that the main purpose we have at MB, is to work hard at assuring ourselves that we have done everything possible to save our M. No matter what the outcome of our M is, we will be confident in our abilities to be better persons.

I can tell you the very basics of what went wrong in your M (more likely than not). You weren't meeting your H's EN's (emotional needs), and he sought them from an OW. It doesn't mean it was your fault. After all, there are probably some EN's that your H wasn't meeting for you too. And I would bet that neither of you talked much about it - probably because you didn't understand what it was that was wrong.

If you can't accept that your M is over, and would like to try for reconciliation... then your best chance of that is to plan A your heart out. Read up on plan A (it's all about you being the best you you can be! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), EN's (emotional needs), and LB's (love busters - and avoid them at all costs).

It's a slow process for most of us... but the MarriageBuilders concepts are worth the time involved. And of course... we're here to help you heal. Please don't feel nervous. The more you share, and the more posts you comment to, the more people will recognize you and support you.

Take care, and welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen