Ok, here is something I thought I could just let go of, but I need some insights from all you great people.

DH birthday was on Saturday. At one point in the day I thought of this woman he had been "friends" with whom he talked to about the affair and whom sent him a CD for his birthday last year. He has in the past explained that she was a friend, that she was someone he could talk to (i.e. about the affair) who wouldn't judge, that she is nice and they have a lot in common. They have never met, have never tried to meet, and don't talk frequently.

Now, DH has made efforts to not contact her for reasons outside of work issues (which is pretty easy). He has mentioned e-mailing her to say hi how are you, but since it bothers me he hasn't. I know I shouldn't let this woman bother me; I honestly believe my DH would never do anything to hurt me and that there has not been, is not, nor ever will be anything between them, but she is a threat to me right now.

Ok, so at one point Sat. I thought of this. I asked if she contacted him to wish him a happy birthday. He said she e-mailed him and he called her to thank her. That it was a short couple minute phone call. He's just nice like that. Shouldn't think anything of it, I know, but it just boils my blood that another woman remembers and e-mails my husband on his birthday. If she is such a "friend" can't she possibly see that her contact with him could be damaging in our rebuilding? She knows of the affair, she knows we are working on our marriage, and according to DH she has been a good support to him in that effort in the beginning.

So, I guess I am looking to all of you to slap me straight. Why does this bother me so much? DH got upset that I bothered to ask about it and that it bothered me. I didn't get mad at him, but it did bother me. He doesn't feel that he should just shut out a friend, since he doesn't have that many and noone else thought to call him for his birthday. I understand this point, and I know the value of a true friend, but why is it so wrong for it to bother me? Is it so wrong for me to feel threatened by this woman? Is it wrong for me to require more time to accept this?

I know that there will never be a reason for them to meet, but it's only natural to feel this way, isn't it? Am I totally wrong? I don't want proof that DH is wrong, I don't believe he is, but does that mean I am? Can we both be right? If we can, how do we discuss it without tension and come to an amicable solution?

Thank you for reading and humoring me with any insights you may have to offer.

Love him without stressing yourself out.

Ask yourself ... "What is important here?"

Your relationship, right? Or is an e-mail and a phonecall more important?

You are entitled to ask any question your heart desires ... and if you can ask without accusing, and maybe with some wry self humor thrown in ... then your curiosity about her is a non threat to your M.

These issues will come up. How you manage your internal response and attitudes is your responsibility.

You are feeling territorial of your H ... ? Yes? If you are ... just come out and plainly admit that fact to him, and then discuss it. It can be discussed non-emotionally .... AND with humor! You do not have to be led around by your emotions all the time Tutter. You do have a choice.

Take care

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you Pepper. As always, your advice is well taken.

Also, thank you for helping me to see that I am not bad for feeling these things. I will put this aside for now, practice the things you suggest, and put it into play if it comes up again (as I'm sure it will in due time). Maybe then I will feel more secure and less vulnerable at the thought of him talking to another woman.

Territorial. . . Isn't it bad to be that way? Or, is it normal at this stage in recovery? I would have to say that I am feeling a bit like that, and I guess I just need to know that it's ok as long as I don't allow it to overpower our progress. I think I am doing well, and it hasn't seemed to cause us any real big problems either. We did at least talk through the whole e-mail/phone call thing. That is good in itself.

Again, thank you for your time and insights. They are truly appreciated.

Tut ... I am territotial <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> about Mr. Pepper! (You better believe it)... I did not say feeling territorial was a bad thing ... but you can express that feeling in humerous or loving ways that do not escalate your anxiety.

Whisper into his ear that "My man is so special to me ... that just thinking about you getting attention (however innocent) from someone else mmakes me want to _______!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> (insert favorite sexual act your H enjoys the most)

Have some fun with your anxieties ... turn them into positives.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thank you Pepper. You are truly a wonderful woman. Glad to hear I am still somewhat normal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thanks again.

Tutter,

There is "a little right and a little wrong" in the whole thing.

There is nothing wrong in having opposite sex "distant" friends as long as the spouse knows almost everything that is going on. In this case, it sounds like your H did not mention anything of the e-mail & call until you mentioned it. "In MY book," that would be WRONG! He should have been able to come to you right away and tell you the events in an effort to fend any fears or concerns you would have.

Email and phone relationships are a little harder and different for you to participate in. By that I mean, if they were friends and had gotten together (assuming you were given the choice by your H), it is possible you could be there and be a part of that friendship, conversation, etc.. In the way it is now, you're on the outside - unable to participate or "judge" the friendship. I'm rusty on Harley's advice, but I think he says EVERYTHING should be shared or participated in with opposite sex friends.

All in all, it bothers you I'm sure only because your not involved and are unsure of the motives. From the way it sounds, it is nothing to be concerned about (YET) but definitely needs to be discussed further with you and your H to prevent further problems or advancement of that friendship.

I'm w/ Pepper, keep it light, but with concern and I'm sure you'll "let go."

I hope this helps...

MITT

tutter - I can't add much to the responses above, but I did want to echo that I don't think you're "wrong" for having these feelings or doubt. I suspect you're in "heightened awareness" mode and if the roles were reversed, your H would likely feel the same, if not more justified.

I suggest you communicate your feelings to your H with the same candor you used to communicate them to us: you have these feelings, you suspect your threshold may be too low, and ask for his validation. Honest communication should never be bad for you.

WAT

MITT and WAT - Thank you both for your validation of my feelings. It's good to hear. Right now I see no sense in bringing this up again. It's water under the bridge, but I did need to run it through here for insights.

After his offense to my questions on his birthday he was able to admit that he understands my feelings etc. That's definately good, but I still felt bad.

It's not like they communicate a lot. She doesn't even have to contact him for work related things all that much (she is a customer of the company, and he is tech support). Anyhow, they used to "chat" when she'd call for work things. It was just the whole birthday thing that bothered me. Also, I just want it to lie low for awhile still - no "efforts" to chat. He has indeed been respecting that, but felt it would be rude not to respond.

I have no reason to believe the "friendship" was progress into anything further. It's just my gut feeling.

MITT you are right, I am on the outside and cannot judge or sense motives. I know my DH's motives are innocent and completely sincere to me, but I don't know her's.

WAT, it's true my DH would feel the same way, but he has every right and reason to. I have to say that I do not. I don't really have grounds to feel this way, except my own inflicted insecuritites.

Anyhow, in my DH's defense, I can say there are two reasons he didn't say anything - 1) he didn't think much of it and hence forgot about it till I mentioned it (completely believeable); and/or 2) he was afraid of my reaction. I have a hard time with handleing things sometimes. This is something I am working hard on, but I don't cope well sometimes and anxiety takes over hard and I overreact. I can excuse this.

Thank you again for your replies, they are truly appreciated. My only other problem is that he felt a need to call her back and respond to her e-mail, but my e-mails he tends to not even make mention of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This bothers me some too. Oh well, something to continue to work on I guess. Thanks to all of you.